Gone in 2016

I’m still really sick. I struggled through work without letting on. I’m doing my best to keep up appearances. A couple people asked me if I was okay, I lied of course. Although, that will be harder to do tomorrow…

…I just found out one of my best friends and her boyfriend died in a car accident. I don’t know when or the details, I can only assume it was earlier today. I found a couple texts about it when I woke up from a nap, and going onto Facebook for the first time in a few days confirmed it.

I don’t know what to think. I can’t, really, beyond having enough thought to type this. I met Cass a little over four years ago. We dated for a month or so, lost touch, and then she became a big part of my group of friends when we reconnected a year later. We had a falling out at one point, but then patched things up and were close since. I didn’t keep in touch as much as I would like, but I hung out with her every time I visited.

My last memories of her are playing Geek Battle with a couple other people and staying up late talking early New Year’s Day after the party. She was fired up about a few things. I couldn’t fully agree, but I always respected that intensity. She was confident she was moving on to better things, and I believed her.

…I’m not good at dealing with death. I just don’t do it, I don’t know how. The last death I encountered was my grandpa five years ago, and I honestly still haven’t processed it. After I moved from Michigan, several relatives died, as well as the wife of one of my best friends. Back then I was trying not to feel at all, so I never went through the normal stages of grief, if I went through any of them at all. I don’t feel sad or anything about Cass yet, just…hollow. Empty. I wish I could go back to sleep and wake up and have things be back to normal. How is this real and not some cruel dream? If anyone deserved to have a happy ending after struggling for so long and overcoming so much, it was her.

I just…can’t. Ugh.