Blindsided in 2016

Ugh. My brain is melting. I’m eating all the goddamn breakfast Hot Pockets and no one can stop me. I’m definitely getting sick. My throat hurt this morning and it’s only gotten worse. I have a massive headache and my head is like a boiled egg. I haven’t been sick yet this winter, so I’m due, though stress is also probably a big factor.

I went to work today with the intent of doing things differently after being told basically how shitty I was doing the other day. Only a few minutes into my shift, I was asked to come to the main manager’s office, where she and the other assistant manager also told me how shitty I’ve been doing. For months, apparently. Months. I have a negative attitude(yeah, true), I don’t seem like I want to be there(not true), I slack off whenever possible and do whatever I can to avoid being on the donor floor(only a little true). Apparently people all view me as a slacker and I’ve lost the trust of the production staff. Management said they still trust me, though they don’t want me covering breaks in other areas, so obviously not.

It’s…whatever. Mostly it’s the fact that I was completely blindsided by all of this. I don’t know when they were going to say something, I doubt something would have been said Sunday had I not went into the assistant managers’ office. Apparently I’ve been a problem for months, and not once did someone say something. Not the managers, not the group leads, not even the people like Courtney that I consider friends. Hell, I used to consider most of the people there friends. I can only imagine it started when the stuff happened with Mayumi. I know I was acting different for a little bit, it was hard to hide it, even if no one really knew. I do joke around a lot and am sarcastic sometimes. I feel like that’s been misconstrued as me not wanting to be there or do my job. I took breaks really early to get them out of the way so that I could cover other breaks, people bitch if they have to go to break early. And apparently that’s been viewed as me putting myself first and always taking care of my own breaks first. Which is not how I intended it at all.

It wasn’t a formal conversation in the sense of getting in trouble, but I do feel punished. I feel ostracized. I know that everything I do going forward from now on will be extremely scrutinized. To know that people have been talking about me, that they apparently don’t trust me, that no one had the consideration to say anything to me at any point in time…it makes me not want to be there. And I really did enjoy being there before. But why the fuck would I want to be there now? I’m just an outsider. My reputation is gone and I was given no real chance to defend myself. I didn’t say anything when I was talked to, I sheepishly acknowledged it all. And yeah, there are a lot of good points brought up. But I also know that it’s set in stone. I was given no chance to give my side of the story on anything that happened a while ago and I wouldn’t be able to remember now. I’m seen as negative and having no poor work ethic. If I fight it, being rebellious will be added to that list. I just took it so I didn’t dig myself a different hole. There was nothing about how hard I’ve been working or how my attendance is essentially flawless and that I am extremely flexible with scheduling. Just that I used to be great and I’m not now and it needs to be fixed. I definitely was told I was to supervise all the areas, to work on machines, to do training…that was what I was told in the beginning. I was never given any other expectations. Definitely was not told I need to be on the donor floor doing sticks 100% of the time. That’s clearly what they want from me for the rest of my time there. So that’s what I did today. I did nothing else but be out there the entire time, even when I wasn’t necessarily needed. When they left at the end of the night, then I did my management reports. This is how it will be from now on. I’m a supervisor but I just do phlebotomy work and get paid a little more. I didn’t talk much, but I realize I have to keep up a facade of happiness. That should become easier in time. It’s just…a job now. Like I probably should have always looked at it. Although it’s hard to even look at it like that, so many bad memories have become associated with it the last few months.

I’m not sure what to do. I will definitely keep an eye out for job opportunities. I didn’t even bother after I got supervisor, I had quite the sense of loyalty and gratitude. I had always said I’d stick around until I finished school. Things change. Survival is what counts, nothing is guaranteed. Even a job that I thought was rock solid. Before, it was always worth it to stay in Portland because of work and Mayumi and going back to wrestling. Then it was those things and the chance of getting Mayumi back. Then it was work and wrestling and the chance of dating Courtney. Now, what is left? Wrestling, but I’m sure they have that in Seattle. I’m sure I would get more business with Lyft and Uber in Seattle.

I talked with the roomie for a while when I got home. I skipped the gym due to being sick. She had wanted to move to Seattle when shit got rough for her a few months ago but I talked her out of it. I really have no reason to protest it now. It seems like something we might consider once our lease is up if things aren’t better here. Her best friend is there and there’s a bigger theater scene. As long as there is wrestling, that’s all I need, I can do Lyft and Uber and do music on the side as I would anyway.

Ugh. I didn’t do much yesterday. Slept in, then finally got up and around and went to get my Uber inspection taken care of. It was pretty quick and the office was MUCH nicer than Lyft. Like, it was an actual office, with a receptionist and everything. The inspection was also super quick. I passed, so within a week I should be driving.

After that I went and got a haircut and then the roomie dyed my hair blonde. It’d been a few years since I changed up my hair. It’s not super light, but it’s blonde enough. It was time for a change.

It’s time for a lot of changes. The way I was doing things just didn’t work. I’ve lost most of what I’ve gained since being up here. Maybe I’ll move, maybe I won’t, but it’d be naive not to expect the same results elsewhere. The problem is me, it always has been. Luckily, I don’t have to do things the same way again. There’s really nothing to hold me back anymore.