Scardust in 2016

Today was stressful. It was busy all day. I’m a supervisor, but lately all I do is do phlebotomy. Like, 100% of the time unless I’m doing closing management stuff. I feel like I should do other things, and that I’m also supposed to. Probably because that’s what I was told in the beginning. I brought this up fairly passively to one of the managers toward the end of the day and she just totally burnt me. Basically said that I’m not doing a good job, and she brought up good points and cited examples that I can’t refute. She commented on my frustration at always being out there, which, yeah, definitely exists, I didn’t think it was that noticeable though. She has a habit of not really hearing what people are saying and just saying the same thing over and over, but still. Apparently she’s not the only manager who has noticed. So I kind of feel like a pizza shit. Even with everything else, I thought I was doing well at work. It’s really all I have left after losing all else I had gained since moving to Portland. Whatever. I’ll do better. I’ll do exactly as I’m told, even if half the time I’m left in the dark and am given different expectations from different people. I’ll put on a fake smile, but I’m going to cut down on most of the joking around and bad puns. I just want to get in, do my job, and get out. That’s really all a job is supposed to be. It was inevitable that the way things were when the center opened would not last.

I’m just going to drop my class. I don’t know what else to do. It’s my own fault for not getting my books sooner. Maybe I can try again next term if they offer a 101 class for Spring. I did buy an Elementary Japanese Course on Udemy, so I can always start with that. Next term I’ll have figured out what I want to do, probably Computer Science, and start going down that route, as well as taking enough credits so I can get some loans, now that I know that’s a restriction. I feel like a failure, but it is what it is. I’ll have more time to do Lyft and try to get extra money.

I was supposed to hang out with Courtney, but she stood me up. She had said we’d hang out when I asked her at work. Something about stopping by the going away party for a bit and then coming over. I wasn’t in a great mood so I went home and slept for a while, waiting for a text or call. By 9 something I knew she wasn’t coming over, so I texted her, and she responded with such. This would have been the night, this would have been the moment for me to really lay it all on the line. And it didn’t happen. It’s not her fault, it’s mine for expecting so much. I don’t really understand why she decided to hang out with a bunch of people she didn’t seem to want to hang out with initially instead of me, but it’s whatever. I thought she was just like me, but she isn’t. If she was, if there was something meant to be, she would have made some effort. Something would have happened. Instead, I had to figure it out like with everyone else who doesn’t keep their word. I still think she is amazing, I’m just clearly not meant to benefit from that. And, yeah, literally every person who I mentioned it to told me to be careful(except Ella, who encouraged it, probably because she knows how much happier we would both be), and they were right. I take 100% blame for falling for someone who is taken and who doesn’t feel as strongly as me. I don’t regret trying.

This whole weekend has been more or less shit. Maybe I needed that to realize that things aren’t working. I’m broke, lonely, unfulfilled. I keep losing my motivation. I need to step up my game, or nothing will change, and I will die like this. I’ve spent too many years feeling like this and trying to follow fading ideals. I was kind of holding out hope with Courtney, it was the last hurrah in trying to do things by the book, but there’s really no reason to keep things as they are now. I know the changes I need to make with how I do things. I’m worse off in pretty much every way compared to a year ago, and it’s unacceptable. I’ll do whatever it takes to change it. I think I will start distancing myself from people a little, as well as her. People always come and go, leaving me in the dust. The things I’ve wanted in life haven’t changed, but I keep getting distracted by these passerbys. Even when I moved up here and left behind everything in Medford, I kept trying to make new friends and become distracted. It just doesn’t work. I never truly fit in. I always try to give people the benefit of the doubt and assume they’re genuine, and it blows up in my face. Maybe they are genuine, I just expect too much unrealistically. Regardless, I’m more productive when I’m bitter and alone. Once I was over sulking, I went and did an hour of cardio. I need to get back to what I had before. Work, exercise, music. Nothing else really matters, and nothing else is going to help me feel better about myself.

It’s not everyone else, it’s me. I’ve known that, but I kept thinking maybe each time would be different. I kept doing things the same way as them, having that same notion that things would work out at some point. Maybe they would, but I’m not willing to wait anymore. I can’t handle this year ending the way the last several months of 2015 did. I’m confident that I can get what I want if I follow the instincts I’ve been shying away from for years. The confidence, the assertiveness, the motivation is there, even if I have to give up some things in exchange for them. This is probably the only place where I’ll be honest and candid for a while, because I honestly don’t think people will understand me. They’ll give me the same tired advice while they themselves scratch and claw and struggle to stay afloat. I may not be right, but I need to know how things go when I tap into the other side of myself. If that doesn’t work, maybe I’ll come back to the normal way of things. Maybe.