We Can Rest Our Bones in 2016

It’s another lonely night parked on the side of the street, waiting for life to happen downown. Only one ride so far. I’ve only made 40 bucks in 4 or 5 hours this week. Seems the Lyft well is drying up quickly.

There is a dealership right near my house that does Uber inspections, but they seem to be closed on the weekends. Monday it is then.

I didn’t get my books. Not sure if there is a point to keeping the Japanese class. I’m a week behind. Worst case scenario I get my money back from the payment I made for the class and next term I’ll already have the books.

I need more money. The school stuff hitting me unexpectedly was rough but I also spent too much leading up to it. Just scraping by til payday. Since I don’t have the money and I’m not in the shape to head back to wrestling this month, this is the ideal time to do Lyft and Uber when I finish getting that set up. I don’t want to be in this vulnerable position anymore. It’s hard not to consider trying to find something higher-paying for a day job. I really like most of my co-workers and they tolerate my schedule and bad puns. If anything were to happen with Courtney I would consider leaving.

There’s a going away party for a co-worker tonight. I was going to go, but there’s a good chance Mayumi will be there. Probably the guy she was/is sleeping with too, since the person organizing it invited some donors on FB. I could see myself making a scene, which is not good. I’m losing my inhibitions and the ability to hold back a silver tongue. It’s better if I never see Mayumi again. I don’t plan on forgiving her, even if I did before. I have a permanent chip on my shoulder from what happened and it motivates me to better myself. She can exist in my memories as a burning wound, which is far more helpful than being a quiet nothing, if that makes any sense.

Had to interrupt this, as I got a few rides. Finally some redemption.

I had bugged Courtney to go, but since I decided not to, I texted asking what she was doing that night. She asked what I was doing instead and if it was hanging out with her. I said yeah, I’d like to and she seemed really happy. No confirmation yet though. Tonight would be a great night to hang out, plus she hasn’t gotten her birthday/Christmas gifts from Ella and I yet. And if somehow she came over and romance happened, the roomie is in Seattle until late Monday, so I have the apartment to myself…

I want to tell her how I feel. That happened already, but my feelings have escalated and I want to say it in person this time. I’m willing to step down as supervisor or find something else if it means dating her. She is married, but clearly unsatisfied and seemingly not even happy. I can give her something better. I know past relationships before her current one were at least emotionally abusive if not worse. Compared to that, what she has may seem good, but it’s not great. Only enough for so long. If it was enough, she wouldn’t have started flirting with me shortly after meeting me a year ago. She wouldn’t also have feelings for me. Her passions are not being fed, her husband doesn’t seem to push himself to be better, let alone her. The self-improvement I’ve seen her go through is similar to mine and it’s all been on her own. She is being held back. It happens. People outgrow one another, they start treading down differing paths. It happens. Not to justify what I want to do, as I can’t successfully beyond fulfilling my desires, but that is how the world works. I’ve suffered it myself. There are no guarantees.

I just have to try. I feel like I’m different from other people, even close friends. Cut from a different cloth, I think differently. I can never fully relate to anyone. She is the first person I feel 100% connected with. From the first time I saw her I felt drawn to her for some reason. The magnetism has increased exponentially the last several months and I know she feels it too. I have never felt such a sensation with any of my exes.

I don’t necessarily believe in soul mates. The notion of there being one perfect mate for each person feels absurd. I do think that finding someone who you connect with completely is very rare. She likely will not want to change her situation, but I will try. I don’t want to be old and regret never going for it. I’ve always wanted a relationship where the other person was my best friend. She’s already getting there, so if I do have a chance to have that, it’s with her and it’s now. Come what may, I don’t really care if I can be next to her. I’d accept the consequences happily. If not, I’ll keep living life as I have. I could probably be happy if I found someone half as awesome as her, but why settle before exhausting every option?