A good close in 2015

November 15, 2015
9:57pm

Thank God for this rain we’ve been having. It feels like maybe this might finally be the season where we get plenty of water to fill our empty spaces. I’ve been waiting for this moment and this maybe feels like it’ll be the one. We’ll see how it goes. But we’ve probably already gotten more rain, in the few days it’s actually rained, than we had in the previous like five years, so we’ll see what happens.

I’d like to know why Eric Pasley thought it was a good idea to make this song. It’s too slow, it’s too beautiful, and it’s too pull at my heartstrings. Who does that?!

I’m all weird and feeling all the emotions these days. A little bit of everything going on, I guess.

I’ve been trying to figure out why I can’t let go of the whole ck thing. I know, it’s annoying even for me to keep bringing it up, but I can’t help myself. And maybe the problem is that I haven’t actually wanted to let go. As much as I beg and plead…I haven’t wanted to let go. Not in any serious kind of way.

I need some closure. That’s all.
I never seem to get that. Everything always ends out of nowhere. The conversations stop and the contact becomes nonexistent. Then years pass by and I have no idea why. I don’t want that. I want to know what’s going on. I want to know that I am not completely insane. I need to know that I didn’t imagine the whole damn thing. I’m desperate here. Desperate to know that I’m not crazy. That I didn’t read too much into it and become wrapped up in something that didn’t exist. That can’t be true. And I need confirmation of that.

But I’m not sure I’ll ever get it.

I’m going to feel let down if he doesn’t ever show back up, and still I cannot let go. I can’t convince myself that it isn’t real, that he’s not interested, that I don’t want him and I need to move on. I know most of these things to be the truth and yet I cannot let go.

Closure. That’s all I need.

I promise-----no, I’m not very good at making promises, but maybe someday I’ll come by here and I won’t rant and rave so much about this whole situation. Hopefully I’ll have exactly what I need and I’ll finally be able to move on and be able to sort this whole thing out.

It’s crazy to read back on the old entries and see how things progressed. Like I can clearly see how the moments changed and how I moved from one into the other.

I don’t know. Stuff’s all weird in my head right now. I think it’s mostly just the time of year and everything is drawing me back in. I’ll figure it out though.

rose.
10:33pm

Last updated January 12, 2016