not my monkeys in 2016

January 8, 2016
3:44pm

I just spent the last half hour [maybe 45 mins…eek] skimming through goodreads to see what kind of books are around. Lucky for me I have the kind of job where this isn’t a big deal. We aren’t very busy today and I’m stuck in the back corner where no one can see. :)

Of course my mom walked by and said that I told her not to let me buy any more books. I’m going to conveniently ignore that fact!

She’s right that I never read them though. I just don’t make the time. Honestly, it’s embarrassing to admit, but I only really ever read when I’m in the bathroom. hah. It used to be that I’d read in the car but lately I haven’t spent that much time just sitting around waiting. Plus I’ve chosen to sink into music instead and let my brain waves fade out.

Seriously, just a couple days ago I was contemplating where in the bathroom [at work] I could hide a book. It really is the only time I get reading done since I’m in a set location and the lights are on and there’s nothing better going on. haha. It’s how I finished my last book and how I started to make such great headway into Raising Cain although that got derailed when people started visiting the house.

I should really put that book back in there.

Anyway, I want to make it like a resolution to read more but I’m not sure I’d actually accomplish that in any sort of meaningful way. Maybe I’ll just resolve to try harder.

I’m not one to make resolutions anyway. They mostly dissolve over time and never get ticked off the list. I’m not a goal setting person in general, which [according to the internet] means I’ll be an unsuccessful human being. Oh well though. It’s not my thing. Setting goals almost makes me want to do them less, or jinxes them. Probably because I hate being told what to do. [like how I refused to do so much homework even though I knew the material. I hate having to prove myself to others. heh.] Yes, I realize that goals are basically telling myself what to do, but it still feels like some mean authority figure holding it over my head.
No thanks.

Other than wanting to try harder at reading, I also kind of want to try harder at living life. The death of my uncle has affected me a great deal and I want to make some life changes.

There’s this ideal I have in my head. The kind where I’d like to be a certain type of human. The carefree type. I already have this mindset where “I do what I want” but that’s mostly due to my extremely lucky work situation. Where I have the ability to actually do what I want, especially during the off season. I kind of live my life that way though. I only do what I really want to do.

It’s been about a year or two that I stopped saying yes to every single thing out of guilt. The guilt still exists but in much smaller doses now. It’s nice to realize that it won’t kill me or the other person to not agree to everything when I’m exhausted and/or needing space. I’ve fully accepted that I am an introvert and I do in fact need to be alone. It’s not just selfish laziness. And you can say what you want, but that’s just the way it is.

This year though I would like to also stop worrying so much! This is a constant thing with me. I worry about everything and everyone all the time. Just a couple months ago I started trying to live by the motto of, “Not my circus, not my monkeys.” Surprisingly, it’s helped quite a bit.

For example: I stopped worrying so dang much about JR and all his business stuff. Whether he does things or not literally has nothing to do with me. At least the repercussions have zero to do with me. I will not feel any positive or negative effects from it. So why worry?! Why stress myself out when he doesn’t? It’s stupid and there’s no point to it.

Sure, I want him to do better. I want to see him with an excellent life situation, because I care, but it really doesn’t make a difference for me. Other than the small amount of joy I might be able to share in the situation. That’s it. And that’s not enough to completely freak out over.

I need to remember that everyone else’s problems are not my own! I need to stop taking them all onto my shoulders as if I have some special ability to carry the weight of the world better than anyone else. Because I don’t! I’m just like everyone else [ if they could all match my witty sense of humor ;) ] and it weighs me down too.

The amount of stress that all this worrying has caused is beyond belief. I really do think that it’s to the point where I can’t even recognize how stressed out I am. I don’t recognize it as an issue, at least I haven’t in the past. I couldn’t see it. Or feel it. It was just so constant.

I’m noticing now though. How light it feels without those weights. So I’m resolving not to take everything on. To sit in the office during the season and not constantly worry or freak out that people are waiting, which is a big one for me. I hate waiting and I panic when other people have to. Mostly because of my empathetic side, but also because it freaks me out to have people sitting there staring with nothing better to do.

This year though, I’m going to try harder. I’m going to apologize for the wait in my most earnest way and that’s it. Maybe offer a beverage or something. But if there is literally nothing I can do to make it go faster, well, all I can do is say I’m sorry and hope for the best. Worrying and getting super stressed out is not going to help anybody involved [and neither will taking that stress out on Mom or anyone else around after work!!]

Speaking of Mom. I also want to resolve to stop being so mean to her! It’s so easy to take life out on those people that we’re closest to. We spend an insane amount of time together [living and working] and so I lash out. I snap, and flip, and boil over. Not necessarily because of anything she’s done but just because I reach my breaking point. And she’s the only one there.

She does drive me crazy sometimes, it’s true. That’s no reason to act the way that I do though. She’s my mom and if there’s any one in this entire world that I should respect, it should be her.

I want to be kindhearted and good-natured. And I’ll just roll my eyes if she’s driving me insane. Because surely that’s mature and respectful, right? I mean, I’ll do it when she can’t see, obviously! =P

So: be kind, stop freaking out, stop taking on the weight of the world, take time for yourself, clean your life up and just enjoy it [work on that damn bucketlist already!]

Because it’s just this one. I swear it will be gone a lot sooner than you think and there is no way you can ever change that. Don’t have any regrets.

Do not waste this.

rose.
5:30pm