Pink Mist in 2016

I’ve been chased out of bed by anxiety. I slept for a couple hours, but then the thoughts started rolling in.

Lately, it’s been about my ex. It’s hard not to feel like I’m regressing. A year ago I saw her regularly and we were on the way to a relationship. It’s just a cold bed with only me in it now. I don’t have faith that will change any time soon. Perhaps my efforts are half-hearted, as my feelings lie with someone that shares them but is unwilling to make the radical changes necessary to capitalize on them.

Tonight it’s been more about missed opportunities with lovers in general. The ones who were one night stands when they should have been more, or the ones who came short of that even. Honestly, I did fool around with someone on New Year’s Eve, kind of just to start the year off with momentum and because I knew I could. Sunday night/Monday morning I ended up responding to a craigslist post from someone who was stranded due to the icy weather and needed a place to crash for the night. She actually got back to me, so I went and got her and she stayed the night. We were intimate, and sleeping next to someone was nice. I dropped her off on Monday. I’d like to think I’d see her again, but the odds of that feel low. Even someone like her, who has a pretty fucked up past and has seen better days, may find a reason to ghost on me. I need to become better. It’s not ideal to find someone via that avenue, and sure, not exactly smart. There are risks, as there are with Lyft driving, as with anything in life. I don’t want to date donors, and that’s my whole social interaction right now, so I’m relying on shitty dating sites or Tinder or Craigslist to provide something. Yeah, the odds of anything really great coming from it are low, but you miss 100% of the dates you don’t go on or whatever the saying is.

I didn’t want this, these one night stands and cheap interactions. I didn’t want to be the person I’m needing to become to get things done either, but it happens. I would like to find someone to love, but, well, that hasn’t worked out well for me historically. I still would like it eventually. Until then, I’m just going to go for what I can get if the person meets my standards. No investments, just having fun safely and then good riddance. Whatever can raise my confidence and keep my skills sharp to land someone with a heart someday later. It feels realistic, like that’s all I can really expect for now. People are too dishonest with their intentions, too quick to make excuses and flee the scene instead of feeling something. At least until I become better and have more to offer, this will do. Someday, I would like to fall in love with someone sweet. The sweet ones are the ones who always burn me though. Maybe I should date someone with an edge next time. Kind of like Gracie, the sort of person I normally wouldn’t. In fact, I’m becoming a person who does things I normally wouldn’t, who takes chances and is slowly losing his inhibitions. Someone who enjoys the chaos of life a little more and feels to suffer from it a little less. It seems innocent enough, and perhaps it is. It will go further in time, and I’m fine with it.

Monday was kind of a wash because of the spontaneous lady interaction. No school due to the weather. I hung out with the roomie and got drunk off of the small amount of sake left from my Christmas gifts. Yesterday I ended up sleeping in a bunch, so no working out before work, just afterward. Today is a template of how things will be soon enough. Get up hella early(in about 75 minutes, no point in trying to go back to sleep now), eat a bit, work out, eat more, make sure I have lunch ready, shower and stuff, go to work, go to class, and then whatever after that. Normally on Wed and Thurs it would be wrestling training, but I’m going to wait at least a couple weeks to start that. I need to consistently work out and make sure I’m eating non-shit and drinking tons of water first. Also, for some reason my loans aren’t available and my Pell grant isn’t working, so I had to make a school payment I wasn’t expecting to make out of my own money. Going to need to Lyft for a bit to recover from that and have money for training+the gas to get there.

It’s a new year. The scars of the past are still there, and I still can’t sleep at night. In time, it will change. Already, things are somewhat different as I am doing things a little differently than before. I just want success, and to feel more capable. That’s what will help me sleep, not good intentions with no results.