Survey in For Public Consumption

Taken from Jane Lane, but it’s something to do instead of stewing about how work’s fucked me once again....

Will you agree to let a lover use your toothbrush?
My wife is an exception to a general “no.”

In your bad dreams do you ever throw the slow motion punch?
I’m not violent, even in my dreams.

Do you eat or give away pickles?
Noms.

Do you match and ball socks or just dump them, en masse, in the drawer?
Match.

Do you bisect your sevens with one of those squiggly hyphens?
I grew up in Germany, where it’s kinda the norm. Yes. I also make closed fours, and hooks on my nines.

When eating out, do you set your knife atop your plate and change hands?
See the Germany thing. I eat “European Style.”

Do you tear into wrapped presents or open them neatly with the spoken intent to save the paper?
No.

Would you rather drive or be driven?
Given what my condition’s done to my eyesight and ability to work a clutch, it’s better for everybody if I’m driven.

The last time I did drive, I was incredibly frightened because I couldn’t distinguish red lights against a green background

Do you engage strangers in conversations on airplanes?
I haven’t been on a plane in years. On the train or bus, I’m normally quiet.

Do you own a bathrobe?
Yes. They’re all too big nowadays

Are they still there, those ascending horizontal lines that marked your growth as a child up a wall or a door?
I was an Army brat; we didn’t live anywhere long enough to do that sort of thing.

Can you write at all with your opposite hand?
I have enough trouble with my normal hand. But I used to be okay printing on the sinister side. Especially on vertical surfaces.

Do audiences affect your attempts to urinate or parallel park?
The latter I don’t do anymore since I don’t drive. The former, well, bodily functions are going to happen regardless of my intentions or intimidation.

Do you bookmark or dog-ear your books?
No.

Do you mind fighting losing battles?
I do it every day.

Do you check the dates on coins?
I really can’t see them well anymore.

Do you like to be the one who holds the tickets (for airplanes, movies, etc.)?

I don’t care, really. But paper tickets are so 1990s.
Can you sleep with socks on?

I can fall asleep with all my clothes on, but I prefer to be in just underwear in bed.

Are you a sucker for foreign accents?
Not really.

Are you skilled at giving directions?
No. Even less so when someone asks me about exit numbers on the Interstate. I never pay attention to that. Route numbers, street names, yeah.

Is your name frequently mispronounced?
Last name, all the time. First name sometimes.
Do you attempt to pronounce foreign words correctly, such as calling a crescent-shaped roll a cwaSAHN?

Scheisse, nein. Although I can pronounce “feijoada.”

Do you think grades in school mattered?
I don’t know. I see a lot of people lately who only know how to take multiple-choice tests.

Can you tie a tie? What about a bowtie?.
The three most-popular knots (Windsor, half-Windsor, four-in-hand), yes. Bowtie, notsomuch.

Does making a good list ever feel like an accomplishment in itself?.
No.

Have you ever been on fire?.
Uhmmmm?

Are your faucets tricky to the point where were an out-of-towner to use your shower, you’d feel the need to give a tutorial?…
No. (And if they were, I’d be calling the management company to repair....)

Do you tend (or did you tend) to date people older or younger than yourself
Nope. When I was dating, I generally tired to stick to +/-2y. I married someone -6.5. Go figure.

When walking or driving with a companion in a place where your companion is familiar and you are not, do you tend not to pay any attention whatsoever?
I really can’t tell where I am anywhere anymore.

Do the number of beaches you’ve been on exceed your fingers?
Confused by this question. But if I had to assign a finger to Virginia Beach, I know which one it’d be....

Last updated December 24, 2015