Out of the Black in 2015

Thanks for the support guys. I have a bunch of unanswered texts and facebook comments I haven’t looked at. I already feel self-conscious about being, well, honest about my feelings. Clearly the support is there, I just feel awkward. And I don’t really want to be calmed down, which everyone has tried to do so far and everyone else is probably going to try to. If I’m reasonable about things, I don’t believe anything will be different.

I put in a support ticket with Lyft before I left for work. There isn’t anything for items being taken from a driver so I put in a ticket for damage to my car and modified it the best I could. We’ll see what happens, I don’t really expect any progress until next week due to the holidays and then the weekend afterward. I’ve been told I can file a claim for the value of the items. I will do that if able, though it’s not what was lost as much as how it was lost for me. I went to the bank and cancelled my debit card on my lunch break as well as getting some cash from the ATM. I cancelled my plasma card too. Since my Michigan license is expiring within 3 months, they won’t let me order a replacement online. I’m hoping I can do whatever I need to do tomorrow at the DMV to get an Oregon one. It should just be the written test, since my license is still valid, but I can’t present it, so I may have to do the driving test, which probably wouldn’t be the same day.

I got maybe an hour of sleep after I wrote that last entry. I just existed there in bed, seething and fuming for hours, unable to sleep or shut off. I’ve never felt like this before, not such a concentrated feeling of frustration and anger. It was the only thing that carried me through the day, otherwise I would have probably collapsed from fatigue due to barely sleeping the last several days. It was a slow day at work, so I actually talked with a few people about it. I feel like the texts and facebook stuff will entail the same thoughts.

I’m surprised at the amount of faith that people in general seem to have in karma. As I referenced both the people that have hurt me personally and in general greedy CEOs and others who seem to never face consequence in life, my co-workers seemed so confident that those people will face comeuppance at some point down the line. How can they be so sure? The notion that being a good person is enough is hardly soothing for me, but it seems to ease their minds. Any time I’d bring up the people that get away with being selfish and greedy they would bring it back to those notions, or smooth it over by claiming those people still didn’t have nefarious intent. I don’t think that makes it much better than a person being consistently selfish and callous unknowingly. Just be a good person, do what you can, things will work out somehow. People talk about how they’ve essentially given up on dreams and compromised their lives over time as if it’s a good thing. Maybe it is, my desires are pretty unrealistic. Still, it doesn’t feel like a compelling argument. At the end of the day it’s not about the people who may or may not have hurt me, it’s about me. I’m confident that unless I change how I do things, I’m going to be in this position indefinitely. A place where people can betray me, hurt me, steal from me, and I’m powerless to stop them. A place where I am alone and unable to hold onto love or even appreciate the friendships I have. People say it’s all about meeting the right people, avoiding the bad ones. Yeah, those are just good ideas, but how do you ensure that? If you run into problems enough times, the problem must be with how you do things and not specifically the people you’ve encountered.

I think I’m just different from most people. In fact, I’m confident I am. Should I turn to my own dark side? Probably not, but I don’t feel any less inclined to. Even today, I was able to sleep for longer before waking up than I have in a while. I was playing bass, albeit quietly since it’s late, and would have kept doing it if not for deciding to stop to write this and study for the written driver’s test so I can take that in the morning. I could probably work out, even with being surely incredibly dehydrated and still exhausted. What would have happened before? I would have felt exhausted, tried to sleep, slept a little, and done nothing else. No bass, no working out, I would have just struggled to be. I need the energy and fire that comes from feeling like this. Even if it isn’t healthy. Even if what happened is just an excuse to finally blow the top off of the volcano of emotions I store inside. I may go overboard, it might be too much for a while, but I think I can learn to control it and master it in time. There’s no doing that without letting it take me over for a while.

Ella got me a bunch of stuff from Uwajimaya to cheer me up because she’s awesome. I’ve been texting Courtney a little bit too. I just don’t want to talk to anyone else yet, perhaps tomorrow. Courtney and I talked on Monday on the phone about everything, instead of talking about it in person like I’d hoped to. We have feelings for each other and like being around each other than anyone else, but she isn’t willing to give up on her marriage. Totally reasonable, I get it. I knew it would happen that way, but I still had to know. I know she isn’t happy, but she will stick with her choices and deal with it for years, maybe the rest of her life. The guilt of leaving someone who doesn’t make her happy and fear of the consequences it will bring is greater than the desire to be honest and happy. She will settle for a husband that is nice, but passionless, who does nothing but sit home and play video games instead of socializing, going to concerts with her, stoking her passion and creativity. It’s not bad, but it’s also not great, just good, quiet, stable. She is like all those other people that seem to give up on dreams through sighs and compromises. I find it heartbreaking, especially knowing what kind of person she is and the things that she would do in life if she could. All of these people, they are more realistic than me, but I don’t think they are happier. All the talk of karma and things working out, finding the right person to love and right people to be around in time feels like a placating facade. Maybe once all this anger has left me, if I haven’t gotten where I want to go in life, I will follow their example. I’m not there yet. I will fight to the last to keep that from happening.