All over the place in Diary

For a long time I’ve been hiding away in my own head, ignoring my thoughts, desires, responsibilities, everything, numbing myself with alcohol and distracting myself with my computer. That’s why I am so spotty with my writing here. That’s why I don’t leave notes, why my presence here is almost nonexistent. I feel badly for it. My life is a bit chaotic these days. Maybe that is an excuse for my behavior, but it feels true to me. At some point (in the not too distant future) I’m going to move to Salt Lake. Right now I’m in Bountiful. Almost everything has been moved out of the house where I’m currently living, only the small stuff remains (although there’s a lot of it).

I’m embarrassed to go into details regarding my living situation (present and future, really) so forgive me if I’m a little vague. It shouldn’t bother me what other people think about me. I know that. But it does. Especially my friends. And I consider people I have met here and on OD as friends. I know you, and you know me, in a unique way. A window into my soul.

People came and moved the piano yesterday. I don’t know who because I stayed holed up in my room until after they left. I spend way too much time down here.

I feel strongly that I need to clean up my life. Get a steady job again. Stop hiding from the world. I looked in the mirror and was a bit taken aback by how big I am these days. I wouldn’t call myself fat (I still fit into my pants) but I’m definitely bigger than I’m comfortable being. The seven hours of shoveling I did the other day and the two miles of walking while shoveling were no doubt good for me, a step in the right direction. Exercise and especially diet make all the difference when it comes to getting in shape. For me, that’s definitely the case. My diet sucks right now. It could be worse, but I consume way too much sugar and alcohol. That’s the biggest reason why I’m out of shape.

I did use the crock pot again just before the big storm hit, though, and I made a version of skiers stew. It consisted of 2 pounds of beef chunks, 5 small carrots, a shallot, two big potatoes, half a pound of sliced mushrooms, cream of mushroom soup, cream of celery soup, tomato sauce, and a glass of merlot. I wanted to add celery to the mix as well, but I ran out of room. The way my mom made it when I was younger was basically the same except she used tomato soup instead of tomato sauce, and she never put in wine or mushrooms. I think I’ll make it again her way sometime this week, but with the mushrooms and without the wine. The wine made it taste great, though, so we’ll see.

This entry is all over the place, as my entries usually are. Sorry if that makes this obnoxious to read. Either way, if you’ve read this far, thanks. I have to wrap this one up since my dad is coming over to make pizza and watch the last couple episodes of Agents of Shield. My mom and her grey parrot will probably come over, too. Anyway, take care everyone. I hope you are all doing well. And I will try to be better about writing and being present here. I need to make writing a habit again. Bye for now.