i'm beyond repair. in Musings

welcome to the Andy motel.

you will be appreciated.
you will be welcomed, loved and held.
you will be ripped off of your comfort and thrown out when i feel like you are getting too close.

I know i’m not destroyed.
i know i’m not un-loved.
but everyone, down to my own mother, loves me at a distance. I’m pretty, I’m lovable, I’m whoever you want me to be… but get too close and I will be a venus fly trap…

I feel terrible for luiz.

he tries so much. and every time he continually realizes how inept I am to any sort of human emotion.

yet he continues to be tortured by me… “Andy I love you” “And?” I said. “You want a medal?” “You’re such a bitch” he said holding me in his arms, wiping my forehead. “You don’t fucking know me, to love me Luiz” I said as my eyelids became heavy. “I know enough!” he said as he pressed his arms around my head.

in my mind. i want him to leave.
just like every man i’ve ever known.
i know, i will never be unattractive (it’s not a vain, conceitedness).
it’s a complete flaw of mine. I am perceived as weak, because I give off that “damsel in distress” vibe.

but what about that expensive dust that goes up my nose? what about how i have a death wish and i’m enough of a good person, who understands karma, i don’t want to drag anyone down with me. Stop fucking loving me! STOP FUCKING CARING for me!

Fucking shit. i know that I’m fucking handsome, and i am vulnerable. but don’t love me. i’m a paradox. a snake eating itself and regenerating from it’s own feeding.

yet, he still loves me.
i know i am worthy of love.
i’m not a cheap cokehead who is obsessed about the high and seeks it out, i am smart enough to understand that i’m too good for this world…i don’t seek to be anyone, because being someone doesn’t mean anything at all…

i’m a fucking conflicted, destroyed asshole.

love me at your own risk.

maybe even Luiz is just addicted to the pain and suffering I cause him.

I’m not an easy person to love. drunk. high. or sober. You can love me, but you can never, ever truly touch me. I’m just an enigma. an oddity. in a freak show—I’d be the most Lovable, UN-Lovable freak.

I can love you and make you feel love, but you will never truly love me because I will never allow you to touch me.

As I tried to explain my own self to Luiz, he looked at me and said “But everything you say just shows me how much I am so in-love with you!”

and i just looked at him and said “love me all you want, i might love you too, but I’m a destructive force” and i smiled and pulled myself off of the bed stumbling to the kitchen.

he stood up and ripped my hands off of the bottle of champagne. “but i’m inlove with you andy”

FUCK LOVE!

i love cigarettes.
i love cocaine.
i love weed.
i love alcohol.

don’t fucking say you love me.
because it only makes me want to live more for something that i don’t understand.

i’m also fucking crazy.
i’ve been diagnosed with severe depression.
i’ve been diagnosed with severe anxiety.

i wake up as a defective human.
abilify 15mg/a day.
risperidone 1.5mg
xanax.
ativan.
seroquel.
zyprexa.
name a fucking pill that i haven’t taken. i’m fucking insane. bi-polar. manic depressive.

i’m fucking destroyed.
i’m a walking pharmacy.

you love that?

you love that none of them work for me thinking i want to slice my wrists open?

i’m not happy.

i hate this body my soul inhabits.

i just try to live.

i’m too much of a catholic pussy to take my own life because i don’t want to live in hell, being ripped apart repeatedly by demons for committing the worst sin of all—suicide.

don’t love me. stay away.

you think i’m beautiful because you don’t understand me. you think you can save me because you’re a nice guy and want to save the day and that attracts you to me Luiz. you can’t fix me. you can’t. ever.

i’m a weird depressed, schizo, bi-polar asshole. i’m successful. i can afford luxurious things, but i’ve done that because i want to be normal—and none of it makes me feel normal or happy.

i don’t belong here—on this plane.

too wild to live, too beautiful to die.

and he sat there in front of me.

he ripped me by my shirt and said “fucking kill yourself!” he said shoving me against the wall of my bed “fucking kill yourself Andres and see that I will fucking torture you and haunt you and continue to say that I fucking LOVE YOU!” he said as he punched the wall, repeatedly. “You’re fucking awesome!” he said as I felt the wall crumble under his fist “FUCK YOU!”

and he let my shirt go. i felt a warmth dripping on my neck.

blood.
blood dripped down his fist onto my neck.
i tried to help him but he refused. “You’re a cold-hearted prick, you know that?!” he mumbled.

“No one told you to love me” I whispered “My own mother loves me from a distance, you’re too close” I said as I grabbed his fist and held it on the cloth of my shirt.

and we stood quiet.

a broken boy.
a bloody boy in love.
And i fell asleep with him.

don’t love me luiz.
save yourself. love someone that isn’t so fucked up.