Mini NOJOMO? in Regular Stuff

Last night as I was reading some of your entries, I got to thinking. I’m always saying my life is rather dull, pretty much the same very day. That’s my number 1 excuse for not writing here more often, I have nothing to write about.

And yet, here is NOJOMO, giving me 30 days of prompts! I don’t even have to come up with titles. And most of the prompts have been really interesting. I really enjoyed the entries for the yesterday’s prompt “What’s something you’ve done that made you feel really proud of yourself?”

So I decided to tackle it. Better late than never.

I’ve never been one to toot my own horn, so to speak. I’ve always shied away from recognition and compliments. A combination of shyness and low self esteem account for that. It took me years to make myself learnt to just say a simple thank you when receiving a compliment.

Like most people, I am very proud of my daughter and grandchildren. That’s not really some I did, but I did and continue to influence them in many ways. Whether they like it or not lol.

So something I am proud of is my sobriety. A lot of you know, I have struggled with addiction. I have 16 years clean.

My drug of choice was crack cocaine, although I partook of many different drugs in my teens. In my twenties and early thirties, the only thing I did was occasionally smoke a little weed and drink wine.

I was introduced to crack through a boyfriend when I was 35. There’s a lot more story to how it all came about but I’ll save that. Prior to this, I had never even seen crack. I was even naive enough to think you couldn’t get it in our town. Ha! Being just 15 minutes out of D.C. made that very possible.

This drug completely consumed me for more than 3 years. The money I spent is mind blowing. The things I did are shameful. The all nighters, the financial devastation, the trips to the ‘hoods’ in D.C., the danger, the guilt, the shame, the complete change in my personality, the time lost with my loved ones, the loss of trust and respect, the job losses, all of it was a horrible nightmare.

I never, ever, thought this could happen to me. I was a chubby white girl from the suburbs, almost middle aged. I was from a good Catholic family, I was raised right by loving parents. I always worked, paid my bills, took care of my daughter and my mother. I had never been in trouble.

I tried to quit many times. I can’t even explain the grip this drug had on me.

But with the help of AA (I also drank a lot to come down from the drugs), NA, and the saving grace of God, I did get clean.

I survived when so many I know didn’t. Just to give you an idea, these are people I know, friends I partied with, people I saw on a daily basis, who didn’t make it.
Rocky - shot himself
John - hung himself in a park in town
Bobby - liver failure
Larry - massive heart attack after a lifetime of drug and alcohol abuse.
Ronnie - hung himself in his bathroom
Keith - hung himself in the laundry room
Kevin - drug overdose
Randy - drug overdose
Corky - liver failure
Isn’t that unbelievable? I pray they are resting in peace, relieved of their demons. The one who committed suicide were heavy into crack. I believe they saw this as the only way out. I thought about suicide many times when I was using and feeling so helpless. Thankfully, it never went farther than my thoughts.

So yes, I survived and have so much gratitude for doing so. I am proud of my sobriety.