I'd be lying if I said my life wasn't amazing and filled with luck. I've been blessed with many things like a loving family, a beautiful daughter, a wife, travelling the world in the military for seven and a half years. I'm only 29 years old and I've had all that. How lucky am I? I've met some of the greatest people in the world that I am lucky enough to call friends. But it wasn't always like this. It sounds too good to be true. And some of it is.
I do consider myself lucky. I met an amazing woman who traveled with me during my military career. She stuck by me through my tours to Iraq and Afghanistan. She birthed my daughter that I am forever grateful for. But all this came with a cost. A very high one. I began to see my marriage decline in shortly after I was discharged from the Army in Feb 2012. Finding work was hard and despite popular belief, not many people hire prior service military folk. Times got hard and bills were starting to pile up. Did I mention I deal with PTSD/Anxiety? It keeps me confined to my home a lot. I am a homebody and do enjoy staying in. My wife, on the other hand, is the complete opposite. She needs social interaction. She did not understand or give me the support I need to help myself. So, this on top of everything else piled up and eventually boiled over. She left me in August 2013. I fell into a deep depression. I dropped out of college and quit working. I laid in bed thinking of all the things I could have done to save my relationship. All the missed opportunities to make things better. I lost 9 years of my life, just like that, in the blink of an eye.
Flash forward to the present day. I am currently re-enrolled in college courses. Thanks to my GI Bill, I can go to school full time and not have to work. My ex-wife and I still get along great. We get along better now than when we were together. I still care about her and hope that she does well in everything she decides to do. However, there is a downside. She was seeing a person I thought was a friend of mine. He turned out to be a horrible person and is no longer in my life. He is trash and I hope he rots for the standards he fails to have. He served in the Marines Corps just like me. Yet, he has no standards. He doesn't abide by the "code of men". The code where you do not go after a friends girl. I respect and care for my ex-wife. But he can rot. I know he is no longer a friend and I can't believe I ever associated myself with him.
Now, this part may get crazy, intimate, personal, and many other things. You can turn away if you want. I don't blame you if you do. Things I say here should in no way be held against me or change the way anyone feels towards me. I mean, this is an outlet, right?
About 10-11 years ago, I met a woman through another journal website. I wrote poetry and she liked what she read. We began communicating through the journal, then evolved to other forms of communication. Phone calls, email, myspace, facebook, etc...Never face to face. We have never met in person or seen actual video of one another. I didn't know it then, but I met my lobster (I hope you get that reference). Immediately, we both clicked. Although, we were in different states and in different places in our lives...it didn't matter. We stayed in contact closer than anyone I was dating at that time. We knew each others situations and built a strong relationship in a very short time. We had both been hurt and were both looking for someone to make us feel special. As time passed, we would lose contact for a bit and meet back up. This continued for quite awhile. The military kept me busy and she had her life in Ohio. But, when we had to chance to talk, it was like we never missed a thing. You know, I could go on and on about how amazing she is and how she helped me through the rough times in my life. How she picked me up when I thought I was worthless. I shake while I write these things because that's how she makes me feel. She could bring tears to my eyes with only a look. I've never had anything like this before. Whether she feels the same, i'll never know. Fate somehow keeps us together, but never the way I want it to be. We are still in different places. I express things to her, but not in the way of this writing. I wish I could take her. Everything she has. Everything she is. She'll know after reading this. Maybe we'll still talk or maybe she'll leave. I've never been good at hiding things from people, especially from her. I lie awake at night, wondering if I'll get a late call from her. Maybe it's an accidental call as one of the kids is playing with the phone. Maybe I could hear her in the background? I could only be so lucky. But, she is married. I constantly know that "he" is with her. Knowing full well that he doesn't deserve her. He takes her for granted. He always does. But I can't ruin something other people have. No matter how much I want something...it is not my place. But I can sit and wait. She is my perfect mate. The one you dream about. And she knows. When I sleep, she is with me. My bed is where I find peace. Whoever reads this may think I'm crazy or I am selfish. Don't worry. I'm not. I say what I feel because regret is something I've had before and I don't want to have it again. It may not change anything, but at least I know I got it out.
Hearing your name makes me weak in the knees It takes me to a place of no description I've tried...but there are no words that can
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