Breaking free - no matter the pain in My heart is on my sleeve

I’m so torn. I’m going to start my first counselling session later this morning. I need to pour out my thoughts and my pain to someone else to help me rationalize and learn to cope better with the hurt. That also means I’m working away from home so he is picking up the kids and taking them to our…my house until I get home. He’s so good to do this stuff for me and I know he believes he’s helping, fulfilling his responsibility but inside I die a little more each time he’s around so casually and drives off to go do and see and talk to her. Every time he’s near and doing things that I once depended on him for I am still holding on to the hopes and dreams that we could go back to our old life. And even though that’s what my heart wishes for, my head knows better.
I need to break the pattern and break free. I need to set him free and in the process set me free so that I can start healing. I want to be strong, I want to be happy, I want to look back on a memory and smile because it happened, not wish I could have it back.
My heart hurts this morning. My chest is truly heavy when I breathe. I never in my life thought that I would be going through this, that this is where our journey would take us. I told him this morning of my plan to detach so that he could be set free and wouldn’t have me hanging on and interfering so much. He read the message but didn’t answer. I’m not sure if that hurts more than it would if he simply replied with an “OK”. I wanted him to fight me for it, damn it. I wanted him to tell me not to let go, that he was reconsidering walking out on us. But I know that’s not what he feels. He feels guilty and responsible for hurting us and walking out, but his heart is elsewhere and that is stronger. And I wouldn’t want him to come home now, knowing that heart would never fully be mine again. As much as it hurts, I have to break free for both of us.
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