Troubled motives in My heart is on my sleeve

My motives are twisted. In everything I do. I couldn’t pull myself together to go to work this morning. I sat at my desk and I cried. I wrote an entry here, feeling like if I put my feelings down it would ease the pain some. When the entry was finished I tried to turn on the computer and work. I failed. I pushed myself to go walk on the treadmill. I tried running for a minute and my chest felt like it was on fire. I’m not a runner. Heck, I haven’t even been a walker for the past year because I “didn’t have time”. I did some squats and lunges on my way back after using the treadmill and the bike. Push myself just a little bit more because if I can get back in shape he’s going to want to come back. I took a call for work and then couldn’t do it again. I went back to the treadmill. Made myself do 20 minutes alternating walking and jogging. I can push myself harder when I let the pain out through my muscles than through my tears. When that was over I came back and it was time for lunch. I walked that hour, to Subway and back to get a veggie sub. Light mayo, no salt. He was standing in the doorway and I had to say hello and keep going. I wanted nothing more than to stop and have lunch together. Instead, I ordered my lunch and walked back to the office with it.
Detaching myself is the right thing to do. It is the hardest thing to think of because I want to depend on him, I want to keep him near me as long as I can, I want to try and change his mind. But he is only here out of a sense of obligation and responsibility. I know this in my heart. My heart will never begin to heal if I keep him nearby other than for the sake of the boys. I need to keep pushing myself with exercise in nutrition for ME so that when I get myself to a point where I’m strong and confident I can say, “This is ME. I’m strong. I’m confident. I’m happy. I’m not second choice.” Those words are so easy to type and I can’t for the life of me start to believe them.