the maddening of mads. in Musings

after 4 glasses of wine.
two make-out sessions that almost ended up in the bathroom.

hundreds of “im sorry”
one 13.85 uber ride.

i had sex with Mads.

i’ve felt his dick in my hand, but i’ve never seen it.

when i did it was very average… but i’ve never been some size queen.

what he did with it, still leaves me breathless.

he ripped his jeans off and ripped mine off in one really hard, forceful action. he kissed me deeply, harshly, burning into me and his beard smelled like crayons.

i felt like it was a trite 50 shades of gray novel when he looked at me and looked at my body and asked with his gritted teeth “are you ready for me?” and it wasn’t gross, it wasn’t like he thought he was the shit, it was more of an transcendental type of ‘are you ready’.... and i felt him.

burning.
deeply. firmly.
grunting, as his right hand dug into my occipital bone. his left hand grabbing my face hard into his mouth as I panted into his mouth.

as a summer breeze into a hammock is all i could think of… it was hard, but it worked.

his steel blue eyes, looked into my silly brown eyes, and he bit his lip. grabbing my hands and placing them on his body.

i felt his groan. and kissing my bare shoulder, continuing to thrust.

“Fucking love you” he whispered in my mouth.

and it took me back. you don’t love me, youre inlike with me. your in lust with me. you don’t fucking love me!

he pulled himself off of me. and kissed me.

so deeply i felt dizzy.

“it crazy, how i love you, and you looked at me like a crazy bastard, mate. but im so in love with you” he wrapped himself around me. and i laid there stiffly in his arms… thinking —you’re so deeply infatuated by me, you dont fucking love me… you love fucking me, you love kissing me, but you don’t know me enough to love me—then again i’m a cynical new yorker.

he guided my hand into his and intertwined my fingers in his and kissed my hand…put them on his chest. “think all you want, but i’m fucking in love with you” and i kept getting stiffer in his arms—“you fucking toxic little cunt, i fucking love you” and he laughed and climbed on top of me “i love the way you make me feel, i love the way youre such a bitch, i love the way you look, i fucking love you…and im man enough to say that i love you only after 3 weeks!”

i fell asleep. in his arms. i’m not inlove with mads. i don’t love him. but it freaks me out that he’s so crazy that he loves me.

thank you for loving me.

xoxo