And Furthermore ...... in Scottish Meanderings

Okay I’ll try for a slightly cheerier entry this time despite some of the events of the year so far!

Some of you will have already seen this photo on Facebook but it’s a good pic of the 4 generations and sadly the last one I have of Mum in her own flat.

From left to right:
Nikki holding Lilah, Lily, Mam, me

Lilah is the sweetest, most content, cuddliest puddle of cuteness ever which of course has made Nikki’s job as single mum to both of them that much easier. She’s now well settled into her semi-detached bungalow in a small, quiet, friendly village about 25 minutes’ drive from here but she’s through in Aberdeen quite a lot to various groups her and Lily are part of so I still see them all quite a bit during the week.

She had a much better time of it in labour this time round and Lilah made her entrance into the world fairly quietly with hardly a peep and has stayed that way ever since.

Unfortunately poor Mum has been a having a terrible time of it this year and I’ve just newly sent an e-mail to pull out of the interview tomorrow for the job I applied for because I have no energy to get a 10 minute presentation which is required for it organised due to the fact I’m absolutely exhausted having just returned from Inverness at the weekend. It’s clear Mum is going to need long daily visits for a while yet and it’s not fair to put that onus entirely on my sister, Lorna, who is her main carer.

And also no matter which way I’ve tried to word a spiel about what’s going on with me just now it’s consistently coming out as ludicrous that they should employ me!

On the 6th September Lorna phoned us to let us know Mum was much more confused than usual - getting very mixed up about rooms in her flat, not being able to find the bathroom, not being sure what room she was in & so on. The following day Lorna found poor Mum in the sitting room convinced she was on the toilet and a large rose vase which had been on a coffee table had been turned over and was in smithereens in the middle of the floor.

She was listing over to the side when she tried to walk and we suspected a mini stroke at first - however once ensconced in hospital and having had a CAT scan, they discovered she had a small brain tumour which was causing swelling in her brain. The very fact she’d gone into hospital without a murmur was cause for concern in itself as she hates the place and is convinced if she darkens its door it will only be to come out of it in a box. Anyway she was put on steroids which were supposed to reduce the swelling in her brain but which made her very tearful and distressed so another drug was given to try and reduce those effects. This is how the awful cycle of medication starts.

Lorna has had Mum’s name down for a residential home not far from the flat for a while now because it’s been clear she’s really needed more care than we can provide but she adamantly refused to move so we did all we could to try and keep her in the flat. But she was miserable. Phone calls were really distressing and she was frequently in tears telling me no-one liked her, no-one visited her, she was desperately lonely and better off dead. (At this point she was having almost daily visits from Lorna and Lorna’s youngest daughter, Caroline & her 2 boys, and the rest of us plus neighbours visited in between times). Added to that her hearing was getting much worse so that she could hardly hear anyone on the phone which of course just added to the stress because we couldn’t pacify her or calm her down unless face to face with her.

So after she was in hospital for a fortnight and having decided as a family not to do any invasive procedures re the tumour, a place came up in the nursing home and we decided to accept it because there was no way she would be safe at home on her own and the hospital couldn’t keep her indefinitely. Luckily she was confused enough not to know what was happening so the actual transition went better than expected but within days she had become terribly distressed and upset, continuously pleading to die and take her away from there. It was awful to see and hear.

Lorna used to be a Social Worker - she just retired this year - and she worked with the elderly with Alzheimers so she was well acquainted with nursing homes in Inverness and she said this one - the Isobel Fraser - was one of the best. I had a look at their Inspectorate Report and it was certainly impressive but I’m so glad she had personal knowledge of it because I would have been seriously worried had I not with some of the things Mum was saying.

The place is very old-fashioned but I must admit it had a good atmosphere when I first went there to see her room and the staff seemed nice. Her room was terribly small with no space for anything much in the way of personal items but Lorna did a sterling job of getting photos organised for her walls even though she only had a few hours to do it in the night before.

She put group family photos and special occasions on one wall ......

....... and children, grandchildren and great grandchildren on the other.

But of course what any family wants is a replacement for themselves and for the staff to know Mum as we know her and that’s never going to happen. However we were coping okay and finding if we showed her lots of old photos that would trigger off memories of years past and she would go off down memory lane quite happily. When we used to visit her in the flat and she would do this I would say to her to write it all down and I would type it up for her but I knew writing was becoming a real chore at that point so I didn’t expect anything to ever materialise. So I was amazed to find in the post one day several scraps of paper from her with scribbles on them of what she could remember and, combining that with what I knew of her life, I concocted a half decent story and got it bound in a hard cover to present to her on her 90th birthday.

This was 4 years ago and it’s proved an absolute Godsend. Apart from being really useful for the staff in the Home to read, we were able to read it to Mum when we visited and she loved the memories it invoked.

However not even this was working eventually. Whoever was visiting her on any given day would report back to the rest of us at night how she was and gradually the texts were becoming worse and worse then about 2 weeks ago I went up to find her slumped in a corner of one of the seats, breaking her heart and groaning continuously to take her away from all this, let her die & so on. Lorna had said the doctor had decided to put her on anti depressants so I went and asked what kind she was on and was horrified to find they were the ones I was on. Knowing how hard I’d found the side effects and how groggy I’d felt on mine, I couldn’t imagine what that would be like for a 94 year old who can’t express what she’s feeling properly and after a chat with Lorna & my brothers that evening we decided to take her off them.

She was certainly better after that but the negative moods continued although she could be brought out of them and she had days when she seemed to be better and happier. This last week though it’s been dreadful and she’s been terribly unhappy. I was through at the weekend and she was miserable both days, hardly eating, refusing medication. Lorna and I managed to get her to eat a few mouthfuls of food and take her steroids and paracetamol but that was only after spending hours with her which we can’t expect the staff to do.

The problem is we don’t know how much of it is the tumour, how much is the steroids and how much is her not settling into the place or indeed, a combination of all three.

Yesterday I researched the steroids she’s on and the side effects are conducive with what she’s experiencing so I spoke with my brother, Ian, last night and we both agreed there seemed little point in continuing them to prolong her life if that life was then just a misery. The tumour untreated would, I imagine, eventually cause more confusion but the thing was, when she was more confused and therefore less aware of what was going on, she was much much happier.

Ian said he would give Lorna a ring and see what she feels but I haven’t heard anything back so far. We have to be really careful we include our other brother, Mike, in any discussions because he’s away down in London so it’s easy for him to feel left out because he’s so far away whereas the 3 of us are in contact all the time.

It’s agonising to watch this. On Sunday I went in to see her at 3 in the afternoon and she went off to bed at 7. I went in to say goodnight before I left and she was in tears again, desperately unhappy. It was almost like it was happening in her sleep - I stroked her head for an hour and spoke to her but her eyes were shut the whole time and she was unaware I was there. She gradually drifted off but the thought of her lying there in such misery every night just breaks my heart.

Sorry - I’m not making a very good job of this being a cheerier entry am I?

I’ve just had a text from the local library to say 2 books I’ve reserved have come in (Andrew Solomons ‘The Noonday Demon’ and ‘Far From The Tree’) so I’ll take myself off and go and get them - perhaps some fresh air will help :)

Last updated March 28, 2018