The Rants of Mads. in Musings

The halls of my salon remind me of drugs.
I don’t know how many educated cocaine addicts there are in the world… Most likely a lot because it’s an expensive high. I feel like I am a super well educated drug addict—from the fact that I grew up in the ghetto to the fact that all of my finances are put in place.

I honestly don’t know what Mads or Shane are doing with me because I’m a fucking live volcano… At any moment can those things that I prize so dearly can come to a crashing halt.

Moreover, this weekend was a fucking disaster—seeing my ex-husband sprawled out at s VIP section of a club with all these filthy, money hungry faggots. I didn’t see him as I was dancing with Mads and a bouncer came over to me and said “Andy, the mister wants to see you upstairs” and I looked at the poor bouncer like who is “the mister?” So I get escorted in and I see Alexander just sprawled out with his shirt untucked, his tie undone and two filthy faggots around each of his arms, like we are in some sort of urban gangster movie. And when I realize it’s Alex, he pushes them both away, stands up (barely) and kisses me and hugs me. I pushed him away and went back into Mads’ arms and he smiled the way I remember him smiling when he would hit me.
I looked at gin so pathetically and asked him what the fuck does he want?
He snatched me by my arm and it hurt a lot as he put so much pressure into my bicep and I exclaimed “Alex you’re fucking wasted” and Mads pushed his hands off of my arm and said “Don’t touch him like that, mate unless you want a problem” and it was at that moment that Alex just looked so feeble because no one, not even me has told him to back the fuck up.
It all ended in Alex drunkenly, swaying and saying something along the lines of how I’m such a good boy. And then pulling up one of his faggot trash dick suckers and telling him that he should wish to be an inkling as good as I am.
Immediately, Mads just pulled Alex’s hand away from the guy and telling me “you alright ? You finish your business with him, and fucking throw that ring out. I’ll buy you a better one” and Alex heard all of it and smirked and slammed himself on the couch and said “better than that matey? Better than millions of dollars MATEY? He won’t have better than me”

It was the epitome of an abused spouse. The fucking epitome and it made me go haywire. It made me go so crazy that all I remember is being on top of him and hitting him. Punching him. Slapping him. Screaming. Feeling Mads rip me off of him by my waist and me kicking Alex’s shins and then being escorted out by bouncers with a bloody nose and seeing Alex with bruises and scratches all over his face and pinching his nose. I fucking let go… all my years of frustration, even as two men tried to pry me away, I still kept trying to slap him and punch him. I’ve never been that boy. I’ve never been so angry, I couldnt compose myself, I was such a piece of shit to you that you custom made my ring and made it a quarter of a million dollars?I was so fucking worthless, your fucking punching bag that you want to flex for these faggots around you, but I was worthless, when these fucking lonely faggots dance around you and on you—yet i’m the boy who still has your fucking quarter of a million dollar pretentious ring, what the fuck do those assholes sitting by you, around you have? a cheap ass bottle of Belvedere Vodka.

i fucking worshipped the ground you walked on Alex and all I hear is Mads and Shane screaming “Say everything you want to say, and move on”

I was so worthless to you—yeah, I was so fucking nothing to you. NOTHING, yet i have all the money, i have all of our property

I remember punching him one last time in his throat, and feeling my rings skid on my on his chin. I heard Mads screaming in my ear “it’s not fucking worth it Andy!!! Wake the fuck up, you fucking dick” and hearing Alex say “no leave him, he has a lot to say” as he stood up and tried to tower over me, as I cried and bled from my nose—or from some cut on my lip. “You fucked with the wrong boy Alex, I won’t make your life miserable, but I know that karma will eat you alive.

Being escorted out of the gay bar made me feel like such a piece of shit… But knowing that he didn’t get the best of me made me feel so accomplished. I fucking beat him and I’m sure he will go to his job and everyone will see that I fucking beat you. I

Watching those faggots that he embraced, scurry away, made my entire life—those assholes are after you’re fucking money.... You thought I was after your fucking money?! And if someone jumped on you like I jumped on you I would’ve been the first ghetto bitch fighting! But I wouldn’t have looked like a fucking dirty ass H&M wife beater wearing ass trash. You left fucking proenza schouler for bitches that actually look like an American Apparel mannequin (sorry, I’m having my white woman moment) You left Chloe for legit ghetto project Spic trash?? So you left an expensive label trash whore for some guzz buckets I can find on the highway selling oranges?? and yet you thought I—ME—was after your money? do any of those knock-off, low self-esteem having, trashy, PreP swallowing ass whores have there own business? know about investments? are fucking investors in other businesses? NO THEY ARE FUCKING NOT, BECAUSE I DIDN’T NEED YOUR FUCKING MONEY. And they linger around you because you let them.

I was after your money? Yet I didn’t ask for shit in our divorce, you just gave me everything!!!! You would beat me so hard, I would see black and wake up in a pool of my own nose bleed. You’re a piece of fucking shit and I’m the asshole that put up with your punches. You never fucking loved me, you never even thought of me. You traded the heart of the ocean for a shiny nickle.

Your fucking web of bullshit.

His text message at 3:46 AM: you looked like trash Andy. Why you do this to me?

my reply: nigga, you fucking slammed my skinny ass against walls and punched me so hard I would just see stars and wake up in a pool of my own blood and you saying ‘sorry’. Don’t ever be around me Alex—don’t ever fucking look for me because I’m out for blood… your fucking blood…I will kill you. I swear to God I will murder you. You fucking piece of shit, you will remember me on your last breath, I promise you.

I started to cry, so badly. Inconsolably. Mads just became my hurt pillow. “You said everything you wanted to say Andy?” He said swiping his hands down my back “don’t fucking hold it in!” He said kissing my neck in the cab… I couldn’t contain my sobbing and my hatred… and all the ruminations of my life… what if I loved Alex more? What if he beat me more and he let it out? What if I were better? What if, I were more quiet. It circles and circles in my mind.

Mads pulled me off of him and said “you don’t play do you mate?” He said holding my face in his hands and swiping my tears off my eyes… And I huffed… “You see why I dont want to fuck you mate?, you’re broken as all hell. I want to make love to you when you’re as beautiful as I see you” he kissed my cheeks and pushed me against his chest.

I took a lot of cocaine, tons of alcohol and 30 mgs of Adderrall. He never knew why I was so angry. Or why I couldn’t sleep. i could never tell Mads that I’m that I’m belligerent because of drugs.
I couldn’t feel my face with Mads. All I felt was his black t-shirt wiping my nose. And hearing him in the distance “mate you give a good right jab, made him sit down. “he giggled and I put my hands on his mouth— and whimpering “in a fight we all lose” and as Mads shoved his tank top in my nose he said “I know from you to never cross a Puerto Rican”
All Mads: “You are so beautiful” “Andy I can’t tell you enough how beautiful you are” “Mate, the dumbest things about you make me see you in a different light” “I want to hug you so hard we become together, I fucking melt into you” “I’m just a dumb bloke smitten by you in so many ways” “You’re so fucking angry and fiery—but I know when to take a back seat and let you lead, but I know when to tell you to shut the fuck up and let me lead”

I cried belligerently on his lap. And he dragged me to my apartment and opened my door and I ran to my air mattress, he shoved of his sneakers, pulled off his pants, threw his hat on the kitchen island and laid next to me. He didn’t say shit. He only held me as I fucking cried and cried… Reading all of Alex’s drunk text messages.
Alex : that’s what you left me for?
Me: that’s what I left you for, cause you’re not worth shit”
Alex: yet you still wear my fucking ring!
Me: it reminds me every day that I can do better. You want it back you douche? Ill swallow it and you can pick it out of my fucking shit.
And in my mind I laughed, because I know he will never do better than me, ever. He only says things to me to belittle me.
You want to chill with faggots who linger around you because you have money? I was the only faggot that didn’t even think of your fucking money.

I’m clearly not like those asshole faggots. You clearly will never understand me unless you beat me to a bloody pulp.

Mads rocked me in his big spoon position and said “you said what you wanted to say, stop thinking of it” and he pressed me closer.

He doesn’t need sex, although I want it. But Mads has made me realize that I have sex to fill an emptiness I can never fill, until I am whole again.

Alex—I don’t wish you the worst in life…I just hope you find peace and happiness.

The opposite of love isn’t hate… it’s indifference. I want to be indifferent to Alex. I want to not flinch and wish him well, truly and purely. As if he never happened. I want to smile in his face and love his new beau. I want to be so carefree that he will think “fuck did I ever affect him, ever?” and I will just disappear as organically as I appeared and he will always and forever remember that he made me bleed, he hurt me in more ways than physical and I still was resilient. He made me not want to exist, I want him to know that my indifference is so cemented, I will not flinch an eye if he’s forever gone. I want to be at a point where nothing, anything or everything is so non-existant that he doesn’t affect me in the grand scheme of life.

Here I have guys drooling over me and telling me that I’m such a good energy and I’m so wrapped up in my own self-deprecation----because like Alex said “who the fuck is going to give you a quarter of a million dollars, let guys try! I promise you no one will spend that on you”

Fucking dirty asshole. YOU gave it to me, without me even asking. I didn’t want blood diamonds on my finger. Yet YOU thought i was worth the money and struggle—I will find a whole bunch like you. Alex youre not special… youre not worth money, experience or time. I’m special thats why you left everything to me in our divorce, you left me an apartment, you left me a blood diamond ring, you left me alimony, you left me everything—not because you had to because our post-nuptials specified everything…you left me everything and more because 1) you don’t want your waspy parents to know you would knock the shit out of me 2)as a part of your non-verbal ‘im sorry’. You can flex all you want with all the faggots who will have you, but I know that you gave me everything because you know you were wrong.

I tell Mads all of this and he just looks at me like… “You let it all out Andy? I’ll stay awake hearing you… but just know that chapter of your life—it needs to flip the page and start a new one”

I kissed him and his beard tickled my face. You’re fucking hot Andy because you’re so fucking dumb at being you, and I like you ‘cause you’re so belligerently, idiotically, un-pretensiouly, innocently amazing. And I fell asleep in my clothes facing Mads, half naked. There was a weird emotional connection I felt when he realized I was awake on his chest and he wrapped his fingers into mine and mumbled “close your eyes, youre here. youre here with me. just close your eyes Andy” and he kissed my eyelids… and I fell asleep.