psychopath memoir. in Musings

“You don’t fucking know what you do to people Andy” Mads said angrily putting his arm abruptly around my waist. “You fucking really don’t know how you affect people!” he said pushing me forward into my best friend’s drag show. “YOU’RE SO CRAZY ATTRACTIVE AND WELL DRESSED THAT PEOPLE STARE AT YOU! DID YOU KNOW THAT? OR ARE YOU JUST THAT DUMB?!” Mads said standing in front of me. “I know you like to be quiet and discreet, but that doesn’t happen with you when YOU fucking wear what you wear” and I looked at him and smiled and said “Babes, I’m fucking nobody—they stare because they have nothing else to do”

and then he became even angrier “they fucking stare because you are not only dressed in million dollar clothing at a shit bar, but because you don’t give a fucking shit!” and i continued smiling at him as he felt smaller and smaller. “How the fuck do all these drag queens buy you drinks, mate?” he said. “How the fuck do they know your fucking name and you don’t know theirs, like you’re the fucking King of England!” he said angrily.

But I smile and I am who I am to everyone. I know these people for being outside and experiencing NYC night life. and Mads was so affected by it and I looked at him like “bro I don’t know what to tell you!”

One of my acquaintances looked at me and I was telling her what Mads was so upset about, and she said “bitch they know you because you’re fucking fabulous! and if a guy can’t see how drags, men, women go toward you for some reason he’s not the fucking one!”

and Mads’ hes so sickeningly gorgeous, physically— but he’s also such a good man. He turns me on not because he’s attractive, but because he’s such a good person.

how is it that a man can survive a fucking tsunami in Thailand and lose his fucking lover of 12 years and recover?

I divorced my lover of 4 years and I’m still continually fucked up by it. He fucking beat me to a god damn pulp and I still believed he was my best friend…

I want to fucking cry…I want to fucking do so many drugs and exit this world… I FUCKING DONT WANT TO BE HERE!!!!!!

But yet I exist here. I am ME here. I have to learn how to be in this world…

One fucking day I will learn that I am beautiful and that people are attracted to me because my energy is so calm, shy and cool. One fucking day I will realize that this is why Shane doesn’t press me to fuck him… this is why Mads is so horny and hard, but still doesn’t want to fuck me. WHY? because they fucking think that I’m a fucking alien. Too good to be true. Too fucking physically and emotionally beautiful that it makes them look at me like i am not just a basic ass bitch who you fuck and leave.

i’m so fucked up.
i feel like they build me up to be this weird angel but im fucking not an angel. hence why shane and mads and even alex always tell me “you are so hot, but you won’t know how fucking insanely, dick hard , amazing you are” and that’s just my summary of the three of them. they think I’m on a pedestal…but am i though? I think i’m so super plain and cool.

yet when i say that to them “im just a boy who isn’t anything” in the midst of there breath from a kiss and i hear them grumble “you’re a boy, but you don’t see that I see when you walk into somewhere the way guys heads flip to you— and I’m the lucky asshole that gets to be with you” Mads said “i’m 35 and I hate when guys just flip there heads to look at you” he said as he kissed me “I fucking can’t stand how they look at you, Andy!” he said as he pushed me on to the bar stool and a gorgeous German guy looked at me and introduced himself to me and Mads became so upset “you see, you fucking asshole! you don’t know how physically pretty you are and you don’t know how men like me feed off of that, mate!”

i fell asleep with him in my apartment naked, and he refused to have any sexual contact with me… “when you’re sober Andy, I will fuck your brains out. I know you’re worth....”

and i fell asleep on his stomach. I’ve never been that boy that a guy thinks I’m too beautiful to just fuck. But then again, I’ve never been with someone older than me that sees that i’m just too vulnerable to fuck.

i’ve never been butt naked in front of a man and him just not fucking me. Yet, Mads always rejects me…and says the same shit over and over: “I want to fuck you so much that you’ wont want my cock. but you need to be awake and amazing, so i can fuck you, i don’t just fuck drunk assholes....and i dont fuck guys who are so low on there self-esteem and you’re both”