They Wouldn't Let Poor Krud... Join In Any Hashtag Games in I Can't Believe It's Not Twitter™... Spray!

(That is a total lie, btw. As you will soon see.)

Future me is often a disappointment to past me, but to be fair, it’s often because past me was such an inconsiderate jerk to future me.

My favorite country artists are cartographers.

[hashtag game]YouAintFromHoustonIf:

• you were banished to the Phantom Zone by Jor-El.
• you’ve spent your whole existence in a parallel universe where Houston never existed.
• your birth certificate says Des Moines, and eighty witnesses sign sworn affidavits that you’ve never left Des Moines.

You’ll be pleased to know that none of my tweets were made in a lab.

[hashtag game]MakeATVShowMediocre:

• How I Met Our Waiter
• Knight Loiterer
• Sure, You Can Do That On Television, Why Not.
• So You Think You Can Amortize The Remainder Of Your Mortgage Before There’s a Considerable Change In The Interest Rates

If I’m understanding the difference between order and pre-order, then every pizza I’ve ordered was actually a pre-order.

[hashtag game]FakeResumeSkills: Adept at harnessing innovative terminology to obfuscate the downward growth trends of my skillset.

HQ: “Ant-Man, have you infiltrated the picnic site?”
Ant-Man: “Copy that. I seem to be in a bit of a pickle.”
[Possible “Ant-Man” dialogue.]

[hashtag game]VideoGameASong:

• I Will Be Your Frogger Figure
• Big Bad Tron
• Sister Golden Axe Surprise
• Don’t Let Zaxxon Go Down On Me
• Castlevania Freedom

[hashtag game]LittleWhiteLiesITold “I’ll definitely eat these vegetables I’m buying. They won’t rot in the fridge this time. I’m going to eat healthy!”

Sites that list recipes for given ingredients need perspective. If I say potatoes, don’t say “just add lobster for potato-stuffed lobsters!”

[hashtag game]RejectedBikerGangNames:

• The Piñata Lords
• The High Fiber Regulars
• The Suburban Hamburglars
• Sons of Aromatherapy

[hashtag game]SoftenAFilm:

• Full Meadow Jacket
• Cardigans Of The Galaxy
• Fleece Academy
• Velveteen Wolf
• Eight Kittens In A Duffel Bag
• 007: Dye Another Duvet

[hashtag game]ThreeThingsToLove:

1. Raindrops on roses
2. Whiskers on kittens
3. Whiskery raindrops on some weird rose/kitten hybrid with claws AND thorns

“You know what water is AND who gave us the Statue of Liberty? You must have a PhD!” - internet quizzes

[hashtag game]BBQaSong:

• Happiness Is A Warm Bun
• Dad Tongs Braise So Much
• Sometimes Rub Just Ain’t Enough
• Smoke On The Weber

My Kindle has a menu option called “Locate My Kindle.” I assume that if I choose it, it’ll say, “You’re pointing to it, ya big dork.”

I could not say with absolute certainty that everything in our fridge door had been purchased during the Obama administration.

I often consider a food to be delicious before I’ve even eaten it, which I realize is presumptuous.

Loretta Lynch singing: “Just gimme #FIFA,
and their kickbacks,
FIFA and all the bribes,
FIFA! Without warning,
FIFA all through the night.”

McDonalds sales are down 2.3%. I blame an increase in Hamburglary.

Someone told me this morning that I obsess too much, and now it’s all I can think about.

At work I come up with all sorts of plans, goals, intentions, ideas, but when I get home they morph into chores, internet, TV, and sleeping.

Whenever my phone rings, my brain runs rapidly through a list of people I hope it isn’t.

[hashtag game]PutChocolateInASong

“Allllll my Reese’s live in Pieces…“

“And now it chills me to the bone… How do I get Toblerone… How do I GET Toblero-o-one....”

“Cadbury Egg, man… (ooh!)
Cadbury Egg, man… (ooh!)
I cannot swallow this!
Goo you can chew!”

Thinking back on all the time periods in which Mickey Mouse has been depicted, it’s occurred to me that he might be a Time Lord.

Sudden old-feeling realization: There are people who weren’t born when “The Matrix” came out who can now drive a car.

“Katy Perry vs some rebellious elderly nuns for control of a convent!” “Brilliant! Write the script.” “No, that’s actually happening!” “Oh.”

“♫Love isn’t always on time…” - Toto “Love arrives precisely when it means to.” - Gandalf

I’ve been considering trying to do the Couch-to-5k thing; I’ve totally nailed the first part, the couch portion.

Inner Child: “Ooh! Jelly Belly factory!”
Outer Adult: “We need to go home.”
Inner Child: “Home isn’t going anywhere.”
Outer Adult: “Touché.”

I am naturally drawn to the broken, the incomplete, the formerly whole.
And then, once they’re gone, I eat the remaining intact chips.

Me: “…not until recently…”
Them: “But it’s been that way for 15 years!”
Me: “Okay, for me the entire 21st century is ‘recently.’“

“Ew, gross. Hey, not bad!” - my tastebuds when I bite into a cherry tomato. Every. Single. Time.

[hashtag game]TodaysKidsWillNeverKnow:

• what it’s like to have to wait anywhere from an hour to a week to find out how vacation pictures turned out.
• The arcane rigamarole that was the library card catalog. See also Tedium, Esoteric.
• what it’s like to have the meas– oh wait.
• what life will be like in 2175. I’m assuming.
• the disappointment of playing a tiny disposable record from McDonald’s to see if they’d won the McDLT sweepstakes.

I like big plots and I cannot lie
You other viewers can’t deny
When a show comes in
With a nitty gritty pace
And a plot twist in your face..

[hashtag game]RidiculousExcusesToStayHome: I’m the second little piggie. It’s what I do.

“Serving Suggestion: slice and cook a bunch of fresh exotic vegetables to add to this eighty-cent bowl of dried instant ramen.”

“It’s five o’clock somewhere.” - People with no regard for the concept of “quarter til.”

It’s National Junk Food Day. Finally this food group will get the attention it’s been denied for so long.

Today I’m going to try to keep myself upbeat rather than keep beating up myself.

Me: watching trailer “Wow, Pixels looks dumb. No way I’ll see that.”
People: “Pixels: worst movie ever!”
Me: “Well. Now I have to see it.”

“C’mon and now touch me, babe! Can’t you see that I’m not afraid?” - Jim Morrison was fame and a tune away from just being creepy.

TV show idea: Frankenstein’s monster becomes a drama coach who focuses on the importance of staying in character, in “Breaking Bad.”

Whenever I see the phrase “Dick’s Sporting Goods” I want to nod like Arthur Dent and reply, “IS he?…” [hashtag]NeverGotTheHangOfThursdays

I’m an adventurous picky eater. Which means I’ll try anything once and then never again.

My brain at night: “Eh. Staying up another hour or so won’t matter.”
My brain in the morning: “Every second of snooze is extremely vital.”

Me: Ctrl+C text
Me [5 min. later]: Hitting Ctrl+V “Where’s what I copied?”
Windows: “Oh! Did you want that?”
Me: “Yes!”
Windows: “My bad.”

[hashtag game]IfMyBedroomWallsCouldTalk I would just get a new place, because that would freak me out. And who could I tell? No one would believe me.

For some reason, the term POTUS makes me think of some kind of food spread. “You know what’s really good on bagels? Fresh tangy potus!”

I accomplish more creatively in 90 minutes waiting at the laundromat than I typically do in 24 hours. Fewer distractions, I guess.

I ignore most trending topics, but I always click on celebrity names, just to see if they’re okay.

Dear Netflix show blurb writers: If a synopsis includes the phrase “later learns”, “turns out” or “ends up”, DON’T include it in the BLURB!
Other Netflix blurb plot phrases to avoid: “it’s revealed”, “all along”, “when in fact”, “to their surprise”, and “but instead.”

How did the farmer get TO the river with the fox, goose, and corn in tow? My teacher could never explain that. (And why does he HAVE a fox?)

Imagine if people talked like website lists. “Oh hey, there’s this awesome new local restaurant you guys should check out before you die!”

[hashtag game]BoringComicBookPlots:

• Batman goes shopping for dark socks and underwear, asking each pair, “Tell me… do you bleed?”
• The Joker sneaks onto a gambling riverboat, but is thwarted when the captain asks that he be removed from the deck.

The office shredder has a label warning people to keep away fingers, ties, hair, aerosol spray, and some small person, I’m assuming Steve Buscemi.

–

THE END.
(Or IS it?)
::double-checks::
(Yeah, it is. Sorry for the ambiguity.)

Last updated September 22, 2015