wat i think in Musings

“You prick, I’m here bro! I love you! I fucking love you!” he said pouring down the wine bottle down the sink “understand you fucking spoiled prick!” he said slamming the bottle into the sink as it burst into a million pieces “you’re fucking so insanely beautiful!’ he said as he wiped his fingers “Bro you’re so out of my fucking league!” he screamed “YOU’RE FUCKING OUT OF MY LEAGUE!” he said as tears welled up in his eyes, “You want to fucking die nigga?! YOU WANT TO DIE?!? Over some white trash that didn’t love you?!” he said as he jumped onto my air mattress, “I can’t love you enough for the two of us Andy… you’re so fragile in you’re own confidence” he held me hard against his chest “You want to die over a bitch-ass nigga who beat you?!” he said kissing my forehead hard “You give up on yourself over some fucking white dude who fucking thrashed you?!”he said sternly as I heard his voice trembling in my ear “You are so fucking insanely beautiful” he said pushing me harder on to him “learn your god damn worth Andy!” he said as I cried on his chest “Baby, learn your fucking worth, you should be loved with diamonds and trophies” he pulled the blankets over our bodies “but I can’t protect you and love you, if you want to die”

Through my belligerent tears on his chest, I just kept thinking—maybe I wasn’t good enough. Maybe Alex hurt me because he loved me and I need to stop being a fucking pussy.

i can’t stop thinking about him. and it hurts. and it hurts so fucking much. it fucking hurts! IT FUCKING HURTS! It hurts and I can’t see the end of my pain. I can’t erase that I married him! I can’t understand that he laid back and gave me everything, when I divorced him… down to his fucking sock!!!!!! WHY?!!?!

WHY the fuck did you just lay back and tell me I get the apartment, I get you’re money, I fucking get everything I need to live as a fucking dumb ass bitch who will never need to work again!?! You fucking loved me? or was he trying to atone the fact that he destroyed a perfectly good boy!!!!!!!!!!?

ALL I WANT TO DO IS SCREAM. I want to be gang banged by everyone and everything so I CAN FUCKING FEEL something!

Alex, if you loved me so much…if you loved me so purely… why was I the victim in your hands?

If you fucking loved me “forever and a day” why did you slap me so hard to make my nose bleed and not only slam me against a wall, but choke me until I saw stars in my eyes and you only stopped because I punched you in the stomach and then you fucking watched me crawl on the floor away from you.... YOU FUCKING LOVED ME?! YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT!!!!!!!!

I only hate the living shit out of you because I understand that Hate is not the opposite of Love. I must’ve loved you to actually hate you. The opposite of love is indifference. So I understand that I fucking hate the living shit out of you for hurting me so much, when I was too stupid to get away from you.

and here the fuck i am.
HERE THE FUCK I AM. I STILL ATE LUNCH WITH YOU! because in some world, in some way, you would love me eternally. I wouldn’t walk on eggshells with you. I wouldn’t be laying on your best friend’s lap. he wouldn’t hate himself for being an accomplice to your abuse.

i feel like you hated me. i feel like you fucking hated me because i wasn’t a fucking WIFE, you hate me because I was your actual fucking equal! You hated that I could be a man with you and you could fight me like a man. You hated me because I was so secure with my fucking self. You would abuse your strength and outwardly physical big-ness to try to stifle the fact that I was just a fucking pretty little faggot.

But that’s why you married me, you stood there at the altar knowing I was a good person and said “I will love you until forever and a day” and now you’re my biggest enemy, because you weren’t man enough to understand that I am a fucking man… a fucking secure man…

then the light shines and you’re best friend is my best friend wiping all my tears away telling me—that you were a fucking monster. An indescribable animal.

but nonetheless i am still so angry that i fucking love you. i fucking love you so much. even when you said i was a fucking skanky gold digger. i would love you even if you had 2 pennies in your account… i would love you and adore you and drop to my fucking knees and kiss your feet and worship you…

because you were my everything.

you were my life.

i even dreamt of you when you laid next to me. you were my all. and you will never fucking understand how much i fucking loved you, obsessively, like an addiction. i love you insanely.