Re-building Rome. in Musings

I feel that after a really messed up break up, I become lost and use sex as a coping mechanism.
It’s one of those things that I’ve realized from the many disastrous break-ups. I drown myself in lust, cocaine in hopes to feel some sort of emotion. It’s a drug that allows me to heal, but in reality it’s something that destroys me.

I’ll wake up the next morning with a bloody nose, stuffy nose, naked next to a guy who the drugs whispered in my ears “he could love you” the night before. I look like shit, he kisses me, grunts, looks at me and I pull on my jeans. “Andy?” he reaches out for me, smiling “Let’s have breakfast?” and I look at him and realize, that I knew his name somewhere in the night. In between the sheets and the moon light, I whispered it several times, but the memory of his name was only temporary.

“I don’t even know your name” I say as I grab my bag off the floor. “You shouldn’t want to know me” I peer at him and he looks at me wide-eyed as I watched the whole world I built for him last night crumble. I hear the whispers of love in his mouth as he hugged me, when I whimpered on his shirt. I don’t remember his name, but I remember thinking of how much of a conniving bastard I am for harping on the genuine emotions of this guy who wanted to just hold, protect and kiss me.

I fed off of his own emotional insecurities and through them manipulated his feelings. He didn’t know I was sniffling because I was using cocaine.

I’m an emotional vampire—I feed off of the validation that he gave me when he fucks me because I’ve made myself wish to be loved and protected… and I don’t necessarily know if the sex was good or not because I’m not at all interested in the actual sex and orgasm, after all I am coked out and have coke dick. After penetration, I feel validated. I’m not ugly. I’m not undesirable. For a split moment he holds me and I can imagine he’s someone else, someone who I wish would have never made me the monster I am, taking advantage of a man, who’s name I can no longer remember. A poor unfortunate bastard who I build up to have dreams of me being his and him being the knight in shining armor.

He stands up, he’s naked and charges toward me. “You said my name all last night…Is this a little game you play with guys?” he said as he pressed me against the wall angrily. I start feeling panicky. I start feeling a overwhelming anxiety, flashes of being slammed against walls by the one man who I thought loved, me enter my mind.

“Get the fuck off me!” I scream. I start feeling tears welling up in my eyes. He grabs me by my arms and looks at me deep in my eyes. His eyes are blue and they’re so deeply disappointed. He lets me go feeling me angrily tensing up.

“Fuck you Andy” he said pushing away from me “Fuck you! FUCK YOU! You fucking cunt!” he said pulling on his hair walking away from me. “I can’t believe I thought—holy fucking hell—” he turns around to face me “Wow!”.

“Have fun with those thoughts” I said pulling on the door and walking out of his apartment “Who the fuck cares what your name is?” I said walking down the hallway. “FUCK YOU!!” he said as he walked out his hallway. I turned around and smiled held my middle fingers up “I’ve already fucked you!” and I walked down the stairs as he yelled a billion other things at me.

Unfortunately, that is who I’ve become now and it seems like I have no cares in the world. I didn’t know who that guy was. I don’t remember his name, and I am really trying to remember his name, and it’s as if I never said it—but I know I did. I want to be loved on my own terms, in my own way and have a way to allow someone to feel like they have something over me, but I clearly have everything over them.

Then a text message from Shane as I walked in the bright sun:
Baby where are you? I just got to your apartment, remember Breakfast date?
-I’m not you’re baby. I had breakfast and I’m heading to work.Bitchy much?
-How about you jump off my dick?
*Whoa. WHOA BUDDY! I could actually ask why the fuck haven’t you been home all night, but I’m not your man, so I am off your dick. Call me when you’re not a fucking bitch and want to push me away. Meanwhile, swallow my fucking piss.

I didn’t text him back. Although I did think it was a weird comeback “swallow my fucking piss”

When I got to my apartment building I threatened my concierge. If he ever tells anyone that I am not home or that I haven’t been home, he will be feeding his kids off of his unemployment check as I have told them before I moved into the building that I have an order of protection against an abusive ex-partner. I was sworn up and down that the employees at the front desk do not reveal any information and are only allowed to let people up to my apartment AFTER calling me and asking for my permission.

But I did get what I deserved.
He did piss all over the breakfast he bought me and left at my door step.
He also destroyed the flowers he bought me.
A ripped up little note in the death of all the flowers. I junked the food. Placed the note together.

“To my handsome Prince. Forever yours for whatever you want me to be, xxo Shane”

WHO the fuck knows what I want. I haven’t had sex with Shane since the first time I did. I feel weird doing it, not because I’m not attracted to him, but because I feel like some karmic retribution is going to come swindling my face. Then again, what kind of karma am I getting for literally devouring, weak defenseless men’s hearts.

I started crying in the middle of my empty apartment. I just feel so lonely and I feel like such a fucking loser. All I keep thinking and re-thinking is, why the FUCK couldn’t Alex just love me? or why the FUCK couldn’t I just shut my whiny-complaining fucking mouth and just stay with him. I think of him all the time and I wonder if he’s thinking of me. I wonder what he’s looking at and if I go into a store I wonder if he was there before me?

Then again… I don’t miss the bloody noses or the constant long sleeves, bruised chest, lying to people about how I cut my lip.

I apologized to Shane.
I called him and right when I was about to tell him where I was and what I was doing the night before, why I hadn’t come home. He immediately stopped me and told me that he would rather not even know…and then I just told him a lie. I guess a lie that makes him smile is better than the truth that would make him upset. He apologized for pissing in my food. And we both laughed.

And then, I realized myself becoming an emotional vampire and feeding off of his attention. I just couldn’t do it though. I couldn’t just have sex with him for my own self-validation. I know him too much to just kick him out of my apartment and feel good in hurting him, digging a knife and twisting it. I couldn’t do that to him.

So as he laid there naked and I realized what I was doing. I cried on his chest. He held me and kissed my hair. I told him what I’ve been doing, how I’ve been feeling, how miserable I feel, how I hate his ex-best friend for making me so weak. How I hate that my ex-husband is his ex-best friend. He just laid there and absorbed all my tears on his chest. “You can tell me everything. I’m here for you.” he whispered and I felt calm “He never knew how incredible you are” I felt him pull my arm around his waist and he snuggled deeper into me “One day you’ll see how beautiful you are, I’ll be here friend or whatever, telling you ‘I told you so’” I don’t think I’ve ever seen Shane be so delicate.

And I’m so angry and paranoid and cynical. I just tell him all the wrong things…“why do you care?” “why do you stick around”

and all his answers are…the same exact ones every time—because he wants to stick around, because “I don’t know if I’m in love cause I’ve never felt it, but I know I love you like crazy”, because he likes to see me wake up, because he feels horrible that he was the one that had to drag my naked body out of a tub after overdosing and drinking. because he feels a crazy, need to protect me and to push me to see what he sees in me.

It felt better. It felt better to wake up next to him. Know his name. Cuddle with him and heave on to his chest and hear him say “one day at a time my prince”.

i wish i could feel the same way that i felt when Mads said I was good…but i know that I just have to build to get there.