Beautiful Stranger. in Musings

I always write about it.
I always hear guys tell me the same shit, one after the other. I’m a cynical New Yorker and I just have a hunch the type of guy I am, and they’re just looking for a place to bury there dick into.

However, as many times as I’ve heard that line—it’s always from the same type of guy. He’s generally a preppy jock. He’s really clean cut and proper. He’s super, duper college educated. He’s a geek at heart but presents himself to the world as the all-american boy. This is all true for all the guys I have dated. Down from Sean all the way up to Alex and Shane… Latino, Black, White—they all have that inner geek, with the Varsity boy-next door outward appearance.

Which to me has always been a conflict because I’m not the boy next door. I’m the boy that would sit at the art-freaks table or actually—I’ve always been the boy that never sat at any specific table, I was super cool with the straight guys, I was the go-to gay guy for all the popular girls. I hung out with the gang members. I hung out with the nerdy kids. I hung out with the goth kids. I’ve always been like the cool, untouched by labels version of Jane Lane (Daria’s Best friend) dressed in all ink black, even though I’m Latino, I am the color of a bleached out brown paper bag. My hair is always matte and dirty looking.

So let me set up the scene…

I’m dressed from head to toe in pure black (all the way down to my underwear), my hair was actually perfectly, wavy and messy. I just left a Givenchy party that I was invited to and because I started to feel like I was there, just for recognition and to be seen, I left. I didn’t just leave, I literally stood there for 20 minutes and ran the fuck out (clearly after 4 glasses of Moet, cause a bitch can drink!)

I hailed a cab and went to the nearest gay bar—I told all my friends at the Givenchy party that the people attending were so lame. So when I settled in at the nearest gay bar— I was drinking and texting and I heard one guy say “who are you texting handsome?” and I didn’t even look at him or pay attention, I wasn’t interested in any sort of conversation. After a bit I started realizing that I was not waiting for anyone, but that I would have to go home, or be solo at the bar.

I put my phone away and began feeling comfortable at my own alone-ness. A guy comes in, looks me up and down, takes a swig of his drink, turns toward the exit and stared into the bar room floor.

I was immediately, instantly attracted to him. However, I was intimidated by him because of his really strong and stand-offish demeanor. I glanced at him from the corner of my peripheral view. One hand in his acid wash black jean shorts pocket, the other hand pressed his glass against his chest. I took a pull of my cigarette, I glanced at him again very uninterestedly and was seriously confused, intimidated and turned on by him. His eyes were an insanely fucking shade of blue. He was tall, slightly stocky with a really sexy, unkempt beard and a bald head.I didn’t know what to do with myself. He caught me staring at him and I immediately dropped my eyes toward his shoe, looked back up and glanced at him and looked out to the street. “Hey mate? Can I bum a smoke off you?” he said in a really heavy British accent, the sound of his voice alone made my chest tight. I fumbled through my bag quick and nervously and pulled my box of cigarettes open toward him. There was something about his hands that literally made my dick jump in my underwear as he pulled out a smoke and rested it on his lip. “Let me have a light” he said with the cigarette resting in his mouth as I handed him my own cigarette, he lightly held my hand, steadying it to his as he peered into my face. He stood next to me and I moved nervously slightly away from him. “You here alone?” he said looking at me through the reflection of the glass across from me. “Yeah. Got ditched by friends from a Fashion week event” I said crossing my legs. “Sucks” he said blowing smoke out of his nose and looking at me from head to toe. “I guess” I said shrugging “Being alone is kind of nice though, it takes a lot of balls to be at a bar by yourself” I said. “You here alone?” “Yup I am. It takes a really special man to hang with his own thoughts . It forces you to interact with other people” he said sipping on his cocktail. I felt his blue eyes ripping me apart. “What’s your name?” I fumbled, wiping my hand on my pants. “Oh right!” he said standing in front of me properly and wiping his own hand. “I’m Mads” “Nice to meet you” I said smiling and feeling his hand grab mine “I’m Andy” I said shyly. “Good name. Handsome boy” he smirked. “What you drinking?” he said. “Tanqueray straight” I said swirling the glass.
Let me buy you a drink” he said.

As I was about to say “No” a guy interrupted our weird interaction and asked me for a smoke. As I opened the box and held it out to him, the guy looked over at Mads and said “wow man your fucking hot!” and Mads stared at him intensely. “So what?” he said. I broke up the intensity by offering him another smoke. “I don’t smoke pretty boy” he smirked at me. “Wait but you bummed one off of me” I said furrowing my brows confused. “Exactly” he said biting his lip. The random guy said “OK, well Good night” “I don’t understand Mads” I said confused. “I don’t smoke mate” he said pulling the door open “I’m going to get you a drink, think about me not smoking and get the hint” he said as he laughed “Wait here for me okay?” his teeth were fucking incredible, as he lightly tapped my chin with his fist and walked into the bar.

A drunk, hot mess girl came in to talk to me. “You’re really cute!” she said as she wobbled around in her heels. As she continued to talk to me and I entertained her conversation, Mads walked back into the room and gave me my drink. “Mads this is, Lydia!” I said. As she exclaimed “Hi Mads!” he was completely unamused by her. “Wait are you straight?” she said to him stumbling on him and he looked at her angrily. “Yes Lydia, he’s straight and he’s just here to bash the gay guys” I said as she looked at me confused and Mads began to laugh. “Wait don’t do that. Maybe you should leave” she slurred on her words. And he stared at her in the face intensely. “What I’m not scared of you!” and again I broke the intensity by saying “Lydia don’t mind him, he’s just the really intense guy, but he’s really harmless” “Oh” she said as she ranted about her job and made no sense. I smiled and kept nodding and when she stopped talking Mads says “That was a fucking, insanely boring conversation” he reached over to put his drink on the table and slid his hand over mine.
I laughed nervously and said “Don’t mind him. He’s just the dick at the table, if you don’t get his sarcasm, he’s going to be offensive” I said putting my hand on his forearm. “Oh I guess I don’t get it” Lydia said angry “Well the point is that he’s trying to be a dick so that you can go away” I said laughing. And Mads jerked his face over to me and intertwined his hand in mine and kissed the top “you’re pretty smart babe” he said pulling me toward him. “I wanna kiss you so bad right now” he said breathing heavily into my face “You’re so fucking hot ” he breathed heavily “Can I kiss you babe?” he said lightly pinching my chin. “Okay” my voice quivered as I felt his lips on mine. He pulled me really close to his body as he kissed me, I felt his fingers dig into some points of my back making me collapse onto him as he relished in the fact that I became weaker in his arms. As he pulled off of me he said “You need to try again” he said intensely staring at me and smiling. “I’m sorry. I just have really bad alcohol breath” I said fumbling. “I’m not a bad kisser I prom—“ “I’m kidding” he interrupted. “You’re so fucking sexy, you know that?” he said intertwining his fingers into mine, and grabbing my ass “Fucking hell, you have a fat ass” he said whispering in my ear, grunting. Pulling my hand on to his dick and I continued laughing nervously. “Why do you laugh?” he said, his eyes twinkling. “It’s just weird to get compliments and I don’t really do all of this often” I said pulling my hand off his crotch. “Fucking hell” he said holding my hand and kissing it “I don’t want to force anything on you, I’m so sorry” he said as he pushed my hair off my forehead. “You’re not forcing anything on me, but I’m not that type of guy who is overly sexual” I said pulling away from him. “It’s not that I don’t like you. It’s a me issue, not a you issue” I said fumbling in my bag. “So you like me?” he said “Am I being too intense?” he said pulling himself to look me straight in the eyes. “Yeah I like you” I said smirking “Yeah you are being intense. You kind of make me a little nervous, but I like it” I said grabbing his arm. “I don’t like that you feel nervous” he said as he moved back “I just want to have you naked, suck you, lick your chest and look into your eyes when I make you cum” he said kissing my hand. “Too much?” he smiled. “No. I’ll tell you when it’s too much. I’m not that type of guy to not say anything”I looked at him in his eyes. “But what’s my name?” I said smiling. He looked at me stunned, “Justin” he said quickly. “Nope” “Jason!” he said. “Ah fuck!” he said as I nodded no. “See that’s what I meant. It’s pointless to fuck when I’d be a random notch on your bed” “What’s my name then?” he said smiling. “It’s Mads. You’re from Denmark” I said calmly. “Shit!” he said as he put his hand on my waist. “You sure it’s not Jason?” “If that’s what you want it to be…Yeah, I’m Jason”I shrugged. “I’m sorry!” he said pulling me toward him “It’s Andy” I whispered in his ear. “Yes! That’s right! Like Disney’s Andy!” he exclaimed. “I’m sorry, I hope you can let me kiss you again” he said leaning in toward me. “I don’t want to fuck you, you’re so sexy, I don’t want to force you” he said as I kissed his lips “I was tied, down and raped at gun point when I was young, I don’t want you to feel like I’m pushing myself on you” he said.
My heart crumbled as I heard that super intimate moment of his. “You’re so fucking beautiful, you don’t even know that you are huh Andy?” he said as he kissed me. “Those brown eyes, these sweet lips. You’re damn special, insanely beautiful and it’s hot that you don’t even know you’re this beautiful creature” he said kissing me deeply and sliding his hands down my pants “you’re on a different caliber of guys, no bullshit mate” he said kissing me deeply. I felt his beard tickling my face.

I’ve heard from a sleuth of guys that I’m beautiful. However, it was always in my mind there conniving intentions, even when Alex said it, I didn’t truly believe it and I married him. The one guy I truly believed and felt that truly broke my own clouded thinking was the one guy that mad it absolutely clear that I was way too beautiful to just fuck—a complete stranger that convinced me that the way I view myself, compared to the way men view me, the way he viewed me is completely different. And maybe finally from this one stranger I can convince myself that the caliber of man that I am is truly,unequivocally beautiful.
He walked me home.
he told me most of his body is made of steel rods because he was caught in that fucked up Japanese tsunami. how he’s lucky to be alive. how he still struggles walking but he walked me home even when i refused. “What makes you so beautiful, is that you’re positively, completely ignorant to how you can light up an entire gay bar” he said kissing me “guys don’t come up to you because you’re pure beauty” he said wrapping his arms around me “You’re so ignorant that you didn’t even know I was hitting on you or that I came out to the smoking section to talk to you and I was fucking scared to talk to you after I saw you completely ignore that guy that asked you who you were texting” he said smiling. “Wait you were there?” I said furrowing my brows. “You beautiful little idiot” he said pressing me against my apartments complex fence “I couldn’t take my eyes off of you from the moment you came in and I had to be this drunk and concoct an elaborate cool plan to talk to you mate!” he said as he pulled me closer to him, kissing me deeply, pressing his fingers into my body at these weird pressure points that made me collapse into him. “Grab my cock Andy” he said pulling my hands into his shorts. “You make me so hard” he said pulling me into him. “Do I make you hard babe?” he said feeling my crotch. “I told you I’m weird” feeling awkward. “On a scale of 1-10 how hard are you?” “Uhhh…a 2..”I said “I know I make you pre-cum” he said swirling his finger around, pulling out his hand and sucking his finger. “You taste like nectarines” “I guess. That’s a biological response from stimulation though”I said shyly. “Holy fuck” he said bear hugging me “You’re such a fucking beautiful bastard” he said through gritted teeth. “Go home baby, I can’t take how hard I try to affect you and how much you affect me” he said kissing my neck. “I want to bury myself deep in you and stare into those beautiful brown eyes when I finally make you cum”
I laughed nervously.
He kissed the palm of my hand, moving his way up my arm to my neck. He dropped to his knees and kissed my hip bone, my crotch, down to the bare skin of my ankle. I felt embarrassed. “Don’t feel embarrassed by me” he said sweetly “As beautiful as you are, that’s the least I can do to worship how you make me feel by these 3 sweet hours you’ve put up with me” he said.

As he walked me to the entrance of my building, I asked him if he wanted to come upstairs. He declined. “Wait so just like that?” I yelped. “I don’t even have your number or a way to contact you” I said shyly. “I didn’t think you’d want to see a loser like me again” he said and I felt a genuine ‘holy shit’ moment. “I don’t want to be just your friend” he said kissing me “But I’m not ready to make a commitment to your type of perfection” he said shyly. “Right place, perfect man, horrible timing” he said as he kissed me again. “So I don’t get your number or facebook or whatever”I said angry. “You can have them all. That’s not what I said Andy” he said peering into my eyes. “I can’t handle being your friend, but I’m not emotionally available to commit to you the way you deserve” he said “Just like tonight. I wanna fuck you so badly, but I don’t want to cheapen how amazing you are just to avoid having blue balls” he said wrapping his arm around my neck…“Take it as it is. I met you. I wanted to fuck you. I realized I can’t harm you. So I take it as destiny having put you in my path because I had to let you know you’re beyond and I have to learn that you’re the type of guy I need to work on myself for”
All of this in a span of 3-4 hours. I have his number. I have his facebook and all of the social medias of his. Here I am. Watching day break.

Having Shane texting me: “Good Morning beautiful” “Morning Shane”
and he calls me to tell me that he ordered me breakfast and it’ll be in my apartment, he’s heading to the gym and just need to hear my beautiful voice.

Mads, just left a bittersweet taste in my day.
Thank you Stranger. Until our paths cross again.

Andy.