She's Not Me in The Stuff That's Not Interesting But Is The Most Interesting Stuff I'll Write

In order to understand this entry, it will be helpful if you have read Pictures for Lovers of only because I’m going to be referencing people and events that I mentioned in that entry.

Furthermore, this originally was going to go into my other book, The Song Remembers When, which is a Member’s Only book, but some recent developments meant that this music entry is not just a random trip down memory lane.

Someone sent me this music video probably because of the references to The Golden Girls and Troop Beverly Hills. I laughed along and remembered the funny moments from some of my favorite pop culture moments, decided I liked the song and bought it from iTunes.

When it was finally divested from its wonderful visuals, I realized that this was a story that I could’ve told. It’s a song for Edgar and I.

About five months after Edgar and I had broken up, he came over to my house with his new girlfriend. She was endlessly fascinated with Edgar’s bisexuality and the revelation that I was his ex. I tried to remain in a positive state of mind despite the fact that my ex’s new girlfriend was sitting on my couch, drinking my absinthe and just basically pressing all my buttons.

She finally passed out and Edgar and I went to my bedroom. He told me finally that he felt I had betrayed him… which I guess I did, it wasn’t until I heard this song that I realized that I actually cheated on Edgar. I didn’t understand at the time, but this song put it all in focus.

The previous summer, while Bastien was visiting me from Paris, I had randomly gotten back in touch with Adam, the littlest Christian, and left Bastien with Edgar, who was still my boyfriend at the time, so I could meet up with Adam. Of course Adam and I had combustible sex which only offset the fact that Edgar and I always skirted sex. I didn’t tell him because I didn’t think I was cheating, there hadn’t been any explicit rules, but his background was different from mine.

I was unfaithful. I cheated on my boyfriend. Do you know what a strange realization that is? I never felt guilty about it. I didn’t realize that it hurt him until I mentioned it casually a few weeks before we broke up.

Edgar was everything to me. He consumed everything I had. I thought about him constantly, dreamt about him. I could only sleep comfortably if I was in his arms (something he found highly amusing because he felt like it was the only way he truly had power over me, if only he knew).

I just looked at this girl, this new individual that was meant to replace me and I couldn’t help but feel like she was a pale imitation of me but with a pussy. We had sex that night while she slept off her drunkenness on the couch. I thought it somewhat ironic that he technically cheated on her with me.

He hasn’t touched me since.

Today, I randomly ran into Adam. It was awkward and it had no depth. It was like running into a cardboard cut-out. I don’t know how I feel about him being back in my life.

When I listen to this song, it takes everything within me not to fall apart crying. It just has so much despair for me, and I couldn’t figure out why, and it’s because from my lips “she’s not me” isn’t a statement of empowerment. It doesn’t reaffirm that I have something she doesn’t. It’s a bellow of sorrow because she has something I don’t have; she still has Edgar.