absent in just testing

I’ve been absent because I’m not doing well. Only diet wise - everything else in my life is fine.

Thursday was a normal day. Cleaned a bit, did some the dishes, the litter boxes, painted my nails.

Friday my sis brought Emma down to our area [Will was out with friends] so my and my family all hung out, went out to dinner. Emma was making eyes at all the other babies. It was fun.

This weekend I don’t know what happened. I was on binge mode. I mean Saturday it’s easy to over eat with Will cause he likes to, he’s never on a diet. So we went out to eat, we had drinks, I just didn’t care. But Sunday. Sunday I went out and bought binge food. It would have actually been better if I purged but I did not. I ate ice cream, cake, multiple TV dinners. When I tallied it all up in myfitnesspal it was 3000 cals just for that one day.

That’s a binge. Not just an oops, I shouldn’t have had that dessert, a full on, all day, binge. And I felt fucking sick. It look a long time for it all to digest and the full feeling to leave.

And Monday I did kind of the same thing. Not as bad but I still have the ice cream and cake so of course I had it.

And exercise? Well you can’t eat 2 days worth of food in 5 hours and then be expected to actually move.

I just don’t know WHY I crave so much food. Nothing really different happened. I know I’m an emotional eater and I’m so emotional that just about every frigging thing that could ever happen to a person, good or bad, will make me turn to food. It just is what it is. I just can’t pin point what happened.

To be truthful I’ve been craving cake and ice cream the whole past week and I guess I couldn’t resist it anymore. Sometimes I crave being painfully full. It doesn’t sound like something anyone WANTS but - to me - sometimes it feels good to feel full. Maybe because I’m always on a diet and feeling hungry. And this has been since I was a pre teen. I’ve always be fat and messing with my food intake and feeling deprived and hungry and restricted and then I blow up.

There is no diet where I can eat as much as I was and exercise as little as I want and still lose weight. So a diet will always make me feel deprived. Because I’m a cow. I seriously have a stomach the size of an elephant - but this elephant wants sugar and salt.

Every morning I wake up thinking today will be better - and sometimes it is. But this go around I just feel like I’m too far gone to fix myself. I just can’t see fixing this. And I’m sad.

I’ll keep trying - I always do. But right now it’s been months of failure and I’m just sad about it. I’m sad that food has such a hold on me. That food can derail my entire day. Why is eating the only thing I want to do. I don’t really want to read, or clean, or … I dunno. Nothing is more important that getting calories in my face.

And it will probably be the same thing today. I’ll probably over eat come dinner time. I probably won’t feel like exercising or cleaning or laundry. I’ll get mesmerized by the TV and FB. Another day will pass where I don’t do shit to improve myself or my surroundings. And I’ll feel bad about it the next day and vow to do better and not do better.

I had ice cream for breakfast.

I brought a piece of cake to work as my lunch.

I’m gonna binge for dinner.

I’ll fall asleep on the couch.

I’ll wake up in the middle of the night and clean up my dishes and evidence and go to bed in my real bed.

I’ll wake up late with a stomach ache.

I’ll go to work and function as if I don’t hate every minute of my existence.

I’ll binge for dinner. I’ll fall asleep on the couch. I’ll wake up in the middle of the night and clean up my dishes and evidence and go to bed in my real bed. I’ll wake up late with a stomach ache. I’ll go to work and function as if I don’t hate every minute of my existence. I’ll binge for dinner. I’ll fall asleep on the couch. I’ll wake up in the middle of the night and clean up my dishes and evidence and go to bed in my real bed. I’ll wake up late with a stomach ache. I’ll go to work and function as if I don’t hate every minute of my existence. I’ll binge for dinner. I’ll fall asleep on the couch. I’ll wake up in the middle of the night and clean up my dishes and evidence and go to bed in my real bed. I’ll wake up late with a stomach ache. I’ll go to work and function as if I don’t hate every minute of my existence. I’ll binge for dinner. I’ll fall asleep on the couch. I’ll wake up in the middle of the night and clean up my dishes and evidence and go to bed in my real bed. I’ll wake up late with a stomach ache. I’ll go to work and function as if I don’t hate every minute of my existence. I’ll binge for dinner. I’ll fall asleep on the couch. I’ll wake up in the middle of the night and clean up my dishes and evidence and go to bed in my real bed. I’ll wake up late with a stomach ache. I’ll go to work and function as if I don’t hate every minute of my existence. I’ll binge for dinner. I’ll fall asleep on the couch. I’ll wake up in the middle of the night and clean up my dishes and evidence and go to bed in my real bed. I’ll wake up late with a stomach ache. I’ll go to work and function as if I don’t hate every minute of my existence. I’ll binge for dinner. I’ll fall asleep on the couch. I’ll wake up in the middle of the night and clean up my dishes and evidence and go to bed in my real bed. I’ll wake up late with a stomach ache. I’ll go to work and function as if I don’t hate every minute of my existence.