bleh in just testing

Lots of unpleasant things in my head basically my weight and my lack of sex drive - the 2 are most definitely tied.

I deserve to be cheated on.

If there wasn't free online porn Will would probably cheat on me.

November 10th was the last time I had sex with my husband. And before that there was probably another 2 week spell.

I can blame it on a lot of things. For a while when he was out trucking we had a lot less time together. I don't like morning sex cause of morning breath. I don't like sex too late when I'm tired. I'm fat and hate my body and the waves my entire body makes while having sex. I hate how hard it is to even cum because I have to get out of my own head and worry about what he's looking at to even have sex. I don't have as often as I should but then I make that an excuse to have sex cause I don't want him touching me all stubbly but I'd have to shave every other day to not be stubbly.

But in the end - it's all excuses. If I WANTED to have sex, I'd have sex. He's always willing.

He doesn't push and I never initiate so... it just doesn't happen. He jokes about wanting sex - and I get when he really means when he 'jokes' about it

I do find him attractive and on the rare occasion that I kinda feel like doing it I'm lazy and I just don't do it

The same with exercising

I often think about how I need to do something about it but I don't. And it's so discouraging because I get tired and stop so quickly that I don't feel like I'm making much of a difference and I have no control over eating. When something comes in my mind to eat it - I eat it. No matter what I might have just eaten or promised myself I wouldn't do.

When me and Will first met the sex was crazy and I know it dies down over time but.... I dunno

When I got let go from my last 'real' job it was a hard year of being unemployed and I wasn't really in the mood. When I got the Panera job I was at work at 5am and home in the middle of the afternoon. Will wasn't usually there but even if he was I was TIRED.

When I quit Panera it was a rough patch with money issues.

Now I have this job and I am happy but I still have issues. I'm like $6,500 in debt and I usually only spare $100 a month

But still it's all EXCUSES cause if I WANTED sex I'd get it.

I wish I wanted it enough to go for it.

everything - anything

but I'm tired.

But I'm tired of being tired.

In other news - though equally depressing - I hope no one mentions the 30lb weight gain since they last saw me 6 months ago.

I have no idea what to get Will for Christmas - nor do I have money to get it.

I wish there was some safe cocaine I could take to get off my ass and do stuff

I'm so serious