The Final Goodbye. in Musings

I went out for dinner and catch up with my friends. I really haven’t seen them in so long. All they really know is that I ended up in the hospital for a pill overdose. I actually haven’t even seen them before then. I would usually always be out for dinner, or drinks or even a quiet night at home with my close friends playing Cards Against Humanity or something stupid involving wine, cheese and lots of laughs. But I’ve dodged them all and I’ve only been seen out with Alex.

It honestly isn’t funny when they see me and one of my closest friends who thinks I’ve abandoned her for my man said “where’s your body guard? He’s not joining us?” and she rolled her eyes.

It’s midnight and I realize that I forgot all about my phone. It was at the bottom of my bag and when I look at it, I have 23 missed calls, 15 text messages, 8 voice mails. 20 of them from Alex and 3 of them from my mother. Immediately, I freak out thinking why the fuck is my mother calling me at night. She only calls me during the day and in the afternoon to check in on me and chit chat. I call her immediately and she starts freaking out on me, like I’m a 15 year old who passed his curfew. Then after she calmed down, she told me that Alex told her that I hadn’t been home for a long time and that I was probably doing drugs with my “friends”.

So I broke down at the dinner table in front of everyone. I was enraged and crying. Between sobs, I told her how bad it has gotten between Alexander and I. How he’s turned from loving to a raging verbal and physically abusive maniac. It was like a light went off in her mind, why I wear long sleeves in the dead 95 degrees of summer, why I look so pale-gray with dark circles and why I’ve lost 15 pounds, why I haven’t really been as bubbly and silly as I usually or why my best friends who know my mother ask her about how I am doing and she realized immediately how grave the situation has become. It’s not drugs that is eating me alive and making me look emaciated, it’s that I have no appetite, and I’m searching for a will to continue surviving.

She demanded that I come to her house immediately and that I place a restraining order on him and all the motherly things she could come up with. I felt miserable again thinking that I’ve made her cry and worry about me. I can’t just up and leave Alexande. I do have to play it very cool and carefully, because I don’t know what he is capable of, I’m not afraid of what he can do. I just have grown to know him for the past 3-4 months and I know that he’s become incessantly psychotic, possessive, obsessive and increasingly abusive. He’s even started to dig through my laptop and finds it strange that I have no history, it’s because everything I do, I do it in private mode.

I was in a bubble with my mother and I immediately realized that I was at dinner with 5 people listening to my conversation and I quickly jolted into my “I’m fine. I’ll call you later” default mode. I didn’t really want to ruin the happy vibes from our reunion. Nonetheless, the million and one questions came thrashing at me.

Victor comes to hug me. Caitlin looks at me angrily and pulls up my sleeves and sees scratches and yellowed up bruises on my arm. It all became a pity party for me as they tried to force feed me and tell me that I’m too strong and too good of a person to put up with that. Or they started bashing Alex saying that they knew that he was a fucking prick and they couldn’t of fooled them.

I got home and he was completely and utterly manic. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him look as deranged as he was that night. It was like his eyes were completely blank. I expected it. I’m so tired of feeling like I’m walking on glass with him. Before I even entered the apartment I turned my voice recorder on my phone on. And now as I listen to it, I ruminate on how pathetic I am for even loving this man as much as I did. For even thinking for a split second that I was unlovable, untrustworthy and unworthy of kindness.

I hear the crashing of my bag’s contents on the marble kitchen island. I hear myself telling him “Alex can you please calm down and talk to me like a civilized man, there’s nothing in my bag” I can hear a glass tumbler crashing against the wall and him saying “I don’t know what the fuck you don’t understand Andy! I work all day so you can spend my fucking money on slutting around with your fucking loser friends” and I keep playing it. over and over and over and over and over again. I hear myself mumbling and then him coming really close to my face and grabbing me by my shirt… i hear it tear. i hear him yelling and calling me a loser. a slut. how i’ll never be loved by any man.

i heard myself crying like an idiot, telling him that he’s sick and needs help. and him becoming even more enraged and slamming me against a wall and it keeps replaying, and the pain of grabbing my hair so hard from the back of my head against a wall, and me becoming angry and grabbing my keys from my pocket and digging them against his forearm. And scurrying away into the study. He pounded on it and then gave up.

I think the saddest part of me replaying the scene in my mind and on my phone over and over is that when daybreak hit, I thought it was all a nightmare and I feel brainwashed when he says I hurt him. I walked out of the room and saw him laying on the couch with a bloody towel. I scurried to our bedroom and took the mace that I stored away in the pocket of a jacket in the closet.

I felt his presence like a ghost. He embraced me and I flinched. He cried. He said he loved me, adored me and that he’s stupid. He doesn’t understand why I make him so angry or why I can’t just let him vent or why I always hurt him.

The physical marks that I carry, the tenderness on my scalp from his hands clawing through my hair, the bruise on my mouth that I’ll lie to people telling them that I just had a really fucked up time with my lip injections, and not him squeezing my mouth so hard I felt his fingers shaking from how hard he was pressing my lips against my teeth saying “i don’t want to hear any of your fucking lies Andy!”. It makes me so mad that I know I really, truly, whole-heartedly believe he will change. However, I’m too smart to know that he won’t change with me and it makes me cringe to think that if he’s able to do it to me, after how much he worshiped and exalted me, how he will be with his next boyfriend/husband/girlfriend/wife.

I guess when all things come out in the open… I didn’t feel so lonely and cornered. If 5 people were able to gather enough resources for the top domestic abuse divorce attorneys in NYC who also happen to be well versed in gay marriage, movers, buyers for the apartment, every loose thread possible that has been racking my brain on how to get out clean and easy, it was all figured out for me in a matter of 48 hours.

It took 8 people 4 hours to pack 4 closets, 3 dressers, 2 bathrooms. I had people at my apartment at 7 A.M. arranging my entire new life from storage space to attorneys. It took 1 hour to gather an emergency restraining order at the precinct it was just so many things that I barely have the strength to understand or really want to understand, I’m just following blindly what the next step is, like swallowing medicine, holding your breath and closing your eyes. I loathe everything that I am doing, because I feel like I’m betraying him utterly and completely, it’s like all of his flaws and privacy is being ripped open. I love him and maybe I am sick, that’s why everyone around me is just taking over because it’s taken me so long to actually do it myself. By the time I end up doing it all, it will probably be 2 years too late and they’d be arranging a funeral for one of us.

He will be served with a restraining order tomorrow morning at his job. How much more humiliating for me and even more so for him? I can’t stop what’s happening and I’m just running on empty. I protected him and the show we put up for too long and now…now it’s time to protect myself and move forward. It took so long to do. It took so long and I kept so silent to preserve your image because I hoped that one day, you would snap back to my Alexander. My saint. My hero. My best friend. My lover. My husband. My life.

Our possessions. Our memories. Our life. Our love. It’s all dust in the wind.

I have dreams of you. We’re throwing snowballs at each other and throwing fries from a greasy bag running around your car and giggling back and forth , that stupid song playing on the radio “it’s a beautiful night, we’re looking for something dumb to do”, the one that became our song when we ran down the aisle laughing and we twirled gripping each others forearms and a big gasp from our families when our stupid shiny shoes made you slip and we tumbled onto the floor and died laughing. That song was the first time you said that you wanted to spend forever and ever times infinity with me and I said “meh! get a ring bro” and you laughed and shortly after you did get a ring and proposed at my birthday dinner, in front of everyone I knew and everyone you knew. You started tearing and shakily held my hand and I was completely confused and you asked “please be mine forever?” and I felt the world spin and I heard tense gasping and I laughed “which one of us should wear white though?!” and I heard the roaring laughter and Jennifer saying “does that mean yes bitch?” and I laughed, and pushed my finger on to the ring and said “Yes, yes, a million times yes!”

I took my rings off today for the last time and as I placed them on the nightstand, alone in Caitlin’s spare room I see “I know I wanna marry you” inscribed inside the ring. I think I died inside. A whole entire piece of me collapsed.
you were my happily ever after.
you will never know how much I love you and you will never understand that if i ever did love you, i have to have loved me too.
i hope that you will always remember that i made you happy once.
i hope you know that i was beautiful once.

i hope you read the letter i left you and you feel the billions and trillions of deep, dark agony of you letting those two, fully dysfunctional-functioning boys die from the moment you lost all respect for me by hurting me the way you did.

I can’t see you anymore. I can only see you in my dreams.
Now it’s all just a show. A miserable show. An angry show.
I have to let you go to save myself. I’ve let down my armor because I can’t fight for this anymore and it’s far too late to fix. Did you ever love me? or will you continue to think im that fucking slutty whore gold-digging loser?

i love you. i loved you. i will always love you. i hope you find peace in my good-bye and find true happiness Alex.

Sincerely yours,

Tresor.... or what you’ve left of him anyway.

Last updated July 29, 2015