Ok so I had my niece last night and her parents will probably come for her after awhile. They went for a bike ride with some other folks and will be back later on. She’s watching cartoons and laying on the couch. I had a helluva time getting to bed last night, even with 3 Tylenol PM yet again. So I finally pass out, I’m not fully asleep yet and Matt calls. It’s about 2 am. He didn’t say anything of importance, was just kinda rambling and I could tell he was drunk. I was super surprised to hear from him but also annoyed that he calls when I’m under a handicap of sleep so I answered and then realized it was him. He didn’t say why he was so weird a couple of nights ago, I hinted around for an explanation but didn’t get one. He was trying to get me to come over but I couldn’t.
We hung up after a few minutes and then he text me saying he was an alcoholic but his friend died and he blames himself. I told him that drinking isn’t going to make the pain stop and told him that even if he would’ve been there, there was no real chance that he could’ve stopped the accident. I could tell he was really down. I wasn’t fully awake to say more to him about it but he and I had made plans for tonight but then told me he was going camping and was leaving this morning. I was completely crushed because all I’ve wanted for days was to see him and be around him.
I haven’t heard from him today but he said that he would text me when he gets where he’s going because he’ll has service. I’m just really bummed that he’s such a great guy but lives in such hurt and pain. It sucks that I saw something good in this person, good enough for me to want to get to know him better but he’s got plenty of reasons to push me away so I’m not going to try too hard anymore. I know all too well what happens when I pursue someone like this and I just can’t go through that hurt again.
So from now on, if I hear from him great and if I don’t, then I don’t. I’m not gonna try to see him or anything anymore. I admit that I like him, I admit that I have feelings for him but he’s dealing with his own demons, doesn’t want a relationship, and doesn’t show me anything either way. I can’t tell if he likes me or not and I’m not going to let myself get so wrapped up in this that I end up completely shattered. I don’t completely hate men yet and I don’t want to end up where I stop trying all together.
As far as my job stuff goes, I have a job interview tomorrow morning at 9:30 which is like the ass crack of dawn for me but I’m gonna at least go and see about it. It’s for something I’ve never done before and not sure what the pay is but I’m sure it’s more than what my current job is offering. I just can’t stay where I’m at and I’m honestly going to become severely depressed if I have to go back. That place is more of a fucking joke than the last one and it’s just not what I had expected at all. I just can’t handle people so much younger than me telling me what to do and the tips are absolutely horrible. If I stay, I’m going to be fucked financially because I won’t make enough to pay everything on time and in full every month.
All I know is I need time to figure out me. I need time to figure out what it is I really wanna do. I’m angry that I gave so much to a job that kicked me to the curb over the dumbest, most petty shit and now I have to figure out where to go from here. I just can’t believe how fast life can change and how it can put you in such a different spot so quickly.
I’m honestly scared. I’m scared that I’m going to end up jumping from job to job because of my social anxiety. I’m so scared I’m not going to be able to pay my bills, especially my car. I know that I’d rather die than go back to that job where everyone there is younger telling me what to do and even if I work 40 hours a week, I’m still not going to make enough to pay for everything.
I just can’t believe this shit. I am so glad that I got out of there and all the bullshit but for the next job to be just as bad, it’s just too much to fucking handle. I just don’t know how much longer I can stay so that’s why I have a job interview tomorrow and have a couple of other places I’m going to put in applications. I know that there’s no perfect job but I’m sure I could find something better than where I’m at. The place where I have the interview for tomorrow is Monday-Friday and on call evenings and weekends and the pay is based on commission. Definitely not my ideal thing schedule wise but it wouldn’t hurt to at least check it out. It’s just frustrating how so many places want you to put so much of your time and effort into it and the pay is completely not worth it.
All I know is if I didn’t have a car to pay for, things would be completely different. I’m still wanting to take a break from working and see about getting my ass back in school but I know that I have to work because I know how hard it is to get back into it after sitting at home for so long. I just wish this shit could be way easier. If I would have ever thought things were going to be this hard when I was a kid, I definitely would have done things way different.
I’m hoping I’ll get my check from the hotel tomorrow so I’m can pay at least some of my cable bill and I need to pay my dental because my cleaning is on the 29th. I also am gonna have to pay my car insurance with my credit card because if I pay it with my debit card, I will be completely broke and won’t be able to afford gas to get anywhere. It’s just so frustrating to have worked for almost 2 years and still be where I’m at. The wages here are complete bullshit and it makes it tough to get by and have any kind of savings.
So I just re-read the ad for the job I’m to interview tomorrow morning and I’m starting to have second thoughts. I didn’t realize when I responded that it was Monday-Friday but you have to be on-call weekends and evenings and the pay is based on commission so if you don’t have any sales, you don’t get paid!!! I just can’t wrap my head around these places that aren’t even offering an hourly wage! Don’t they realize people have bills and responsibilities to take care of that require money?!?!?! I just can’t even.
I’ve had a raging headache for the past week along with severe chest pains that about knock me off my feet and I know it’s stress induced. I spend about 95% of my time trying to figure out what I’m going to do and what kind of jobs that I even want to apply for considering the pay with most of these place are either minimum wage or a little bit above. I want to work part time so I have time for sleep, my niece, and possibly going back to school but if I’m not making tips, I’m not going to be able to survive on $8.50 or $9 an hour, which is the going pay rate for most of the jobs here.
Life has just become so much harder than I could have ever imagined and I’m fighting so hard to not completely giving up but my depression is hiding around the corner waiting to come out full blast. I’m just so scared about everything and I just don’t know where to go from here. This place is such a fucking joke and I envy all my friends that have managed to get the fuck out of here.
Sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe and the walls are closing in on me. I just wish I was a normal person that didn’t have to worry about my social anxiety making it difficult for me to work in certain places and as much as I’d like a break from working, I know that would be detrimental to me getting a job later. I just feel so trapped and I’m scared I’m never going to find the light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe I just set my sights too high but I know what I have to make to be okay and no matter what job I find, I won’t make anything even close to what I need.
I just have to get something figured out because sleep has gotten to the point of impossible. I take more and more sleep aids every night and still find myself wide awake at 3 or 4 am. I tried to nap earlier but a fly landed on my arm and woke me up so now I’m even more cranky.
Time to shower, or maybe lay down. I don’t even know right now.
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