15-07.15.122 in Book Two: The Fifteenth Year of the Third Millennium of the Common Era
- July 15, 2015, 4:30 p.m.
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- Public
Blah. I’m in such a weird funk right now. Just… blah feeling. I’m at work right now for a quick 3 hours, then I have to pack for a whirlwind week. Tomorrow night, Wife and I leave to spend the evening at my parents’ place before driving to Chicago for a wedding. Friday and Saturday will be spent in Chicago for the wedding of my legitimate-threat-to-herself-and-others-crazy Godmother’s son. Immediately after the wedding festivities wrap up on Sunday, Wife and I drive to the Wisconsin Dells for her big family get together. As soon as that wraps up, a long drive back to Omaha so I can work a 12 hour shift at the jail. Then get back in the car to drive to my parents’ place again for my Mom’s 62nd Birthday and my 2nd Interview. In other words… I’m looking at… almost 1400 miles of driving in my immediate future.
All of which I would be more than fine with if this Dallas County job was a sure thing. Honestly… if I knew I would be moving my wife out of Omaha and moving both of us closer to a city where we still had friends… I could conquer anything. But the job is most certainly not a sure thing. And that kind of hit me today as I realized that I hadn’t sent out any resumes in July yet. I want/need to send out at least one before this whole Big Driving thing. There is an opening in a NW County that would be 222 miles from my parents and 251 miles from my best friend and Wife’s parents. In other words, it would be a Law Job in Iowa (conforming to my requirement of Law Job and Wife’s requirement of Iowa) but we would be living farther away from all of our people than we live now.
Plus… for some reason… all day today I can’t quite shake the feeling that where I am at 30 is where I should have been at 20. And that gets me thinking about medication and mentality. I wasn’t diagnosed, and we didn’t start treating, until I was 20. Experimenting with pharmacology solutions to my Fibro certainly changed things. I didn’t feel the pain as intensely, I was much more in control of my moods and emotional outbursts… but the cost was everything changing. How I looked, how I processed, how I emoted, how I connected to others, what my hobbies were, where I liked to go, what I liked to talk about… I am as different from the person I was a decade ago as that person is different from 10 year old me. Which leads me to question how much of it was maturing that I needed to do, how much was chemically induced… all of those questions. And looming large in the background? The ever-present reminder that… the only woman I dated after starting Fibro treatment is the one I married. Was that coincidence? Chance? Was it luck that I met her at “the perfect moment” or was I likely to marry whomever I dated during that time?
I love riddles. But a fair riddle, a good riddle, is one that has a definitive answer. Life, it seems, is not a riddle… because so many Life Questions will never have an answer, never have an explanation, never reveal a purpose.
Last updated July 15, 2015
Sharee ⋅ July 15, 2015
I hate driving so that all sounds nightmarish to me. We're driving to Nashville (work trip) in a week, while it's only a 4 hour drive I'm still dreading it.
stargazing ⋅ July 15, 2015
I believe that we are right where we need to be. We may not always be happy with where that is...and we may compare ourselves to others and feel like we are behind...but that doesn't do any good. We are all on our own journey, and there are lessons that we needed to learn, and so this is where we are.
Good luck with all your trips and your job interview!
Spilledperfume ⋅ July 15, 2015
Rhapsody in Purple ⋅ July 15, 2015
I think there is a lot of people in their 30s who feel behind where they should be in their lives. I don't know what its like over there, but here there is a whole thing about how your 20s are for exploring life and finding yourself, but then a lot of people in their 30s are now feeling like they wasted a lot of time.
But sometimes you just need to trust that you will end up where you need to be. sometimes it won't feel right, but its all part of the journey. We are gathering experiences and knowledge and one day that will pay off.
Good luck with the job hunt
Deleted user ⋅ July 15, 2015
I know what you mean... at 29... I could have made other choices throughout my twenties so that I might be somewhere different than I am right now, but somehow, I don't know. I'm trying to transcend that awful feeling. Because it truly IS pointless and more hurtful than necessary. It's a trip. It's one step at a time. So much luck to you and this month's job hunt. I am doing the same, currently.
colojojo ⋅ July 16, 2015
The fibro treatment could've been a thing, but at the same time, I think people change SO much between 20 and 30. Before I left, my friends and I were talking about how you could look at people at each different age between 20 and 25 and EACH of them has a different level of maturity and different outlook on life. You could look at the SAME person at each of those ages and see the same difference. The fibro treatments could've exaggerated it, but it is also normal to change so much.
Always Laughing ⋅ July 17, 2015
I think you are going through life just like all of us. I am a different person than I was a year ago at 35 way different than I was at 22 when I finished my two BA degrees, a different person then I was in my late 20's when diagnosed with my auto immune disorder and a different person since going into remission. Life is always changing and we are always evolving and maturing.