So many people today asked me why I as released from Young Women. I wanted to cry each time. Instead I just said that I was working on some things with the Bishop. I think people that have been in the church for a while knew immediately that meant I had committed some sin, but no one pressed me about it.
I want to say it’s been a terrible week, but instead I think I’ve been doing a lot of very positive things to make up for cheating on my husband. Things are not even close to better, but I’ve been making progress and I feel like my life might not be as ruined as I thought it was.
I saw my therapist on Tuesday and again on Thursday. Twice in a week after more than six months without seeing her. I had stopped my regular visits after I joined the church because my commitment to God was enough for me to know that I couldn’t sleep around any more. I have had many other lovers since I met Jayson. I continued to cheat on him even as we had two kids together. When I got pregnant with my son, that’s when I knew I needed to stop. Jayson and I started talking about marriage and I started seeing a therapist. She immediately diagnosed me with sex addiction, and I made the commitment to not have sex with anyone other than Jayson. I was faithful to that commitment until last weekend.
The problem with addictions is that as soon as the initial shame of what I did wore off, I wanted to do it again. And that’s why I’ve been seeing my therapist so much. I can’t make an already huge problem worse.
At church, the bishop has decided on a formal probation for me, with an assortment of things that I need to do to be forgive, as well as things that I cannot do. I’m sad that I can’t have my calling anymore. I really enjoyed it.
He was very positive with me, and said that after some time and some work we could make this all better. Jayson and I had been talking about getting married in the temple in November, which clearly isn’t going to happen now. But maybe next November.
Most importantly, Jayson and I have talked without fighting. He’s angry at me. He has every reason to be. Things are far from good between us, but we’re talking. We aren’t sleeping together, although we seldom slept together anyway because of his work schedule. He had promised to leave me if I ever cheated again. He said I had run out of second chances. I’m hoping there is one more chance still left. He hasn’t even mentioned the idea of leaving me in all of our fights/talks since last week, so I think that’s a good sign.
I have not talked to Megan. My sister, one of my closest friends, my maid of honor at my wedding, and yet she seemed to intentionally encourage me to do what I did last week. I take blame for my actions, but I still know a lot of the fault is with her too. It’s like she did this to me and then vanished. Rachel mentioned that she’s heard from her, but didn’t go into detail.
In other news, what would definitely be the big news of the week if it wasn’t for everything else going on, Rachel has officially accepted a job with a law firm in Santa Barbara. I’m losing her in September. Sometime in the next few weeks she is going out there and she has asked me to come along. I’d like to do that, but I want to make sure it’s OK with Jayson first.
Her new employer is paying all of her moving expenses, which include her flights back and forth as she is transitioning from one coast to another. Must be nice. I’ve been holding it in for a long time, but I’ll admit I’m super jealous about how much money she suddenly has. But much more than that, I’m really sad about losing her.
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