I went to Santa Barbara last weekend with Rachel. I wanted to go on the trip with her, especially since she was paying my way, but I was also worried that this wasn’t the best time to be away from Jayson. We talked about it for a long time and finally agreed that I should go. He took a few days off work because that seemed like the best option rather than finding someone to watch the kids.
Things are not great between us. I am still sleeping in the spare bedroom. We have not kissed or had sex since I cheated on him. I tell him that I love him and he always responds that he loves me too. But we are repairing the damage to our relationship so slowly that I’m not sure it’s even going to be better. There is still a part of me that worries he’s going to decide to leave me. I don’t want to think like that, but I do.
I feel weak (and a little bit disgusting) by how much I miss sex. Being in therapy for sex addiction and not getting ANY sex at home is really making me obsess about it. I’ve had to resist the temptation to masturbate many times, but I don’t want to make an already bad situation worse.
I’m overwhelmingly sad about a lot of things. I find myself crying randomly throughout the day. I’m sad about what I’ve done to my marriage and my family. I’m sad about having violated the commitments I made to my church. I’m sad about the distance I feel from so many people I care about. I’m sad that I still have urges to do things that would make things worse instead of better. I’m sad about Megan. I haven’t talked to her in a month and she and I would normally at least text each other almost daily.
On the other hand, I had a nice few days on the trip with Rachel. I couldn’t help but think about the last time I had been in California, on a family vacation to San Diego. It was right around this time of year in 2008. So much was different then. Rachel and I were still in high school, and she was just starting the first parts of transitioning to female. I remember struggling on that trip to not refer to her as Tom. I remember going to the zoo, SeaWorld, and a nude beach. But the biggest memory of that trip was that Megan, who was 20 at the time, announced to the family one evening when we were having dinner in La Jolla that she had been working at that point for several months in pornography.
I remember how angry my moms were with her at the time, although they have now come to completely accept it and even support her career choice.
It was bittersweet to enjoy the trip with Rachel, because it was also a reminder that I’m losing her. She checked out her new office and visited a few apartment buildings she might rent from. It’s all so real now, and I still don’t want to accept it.
What if my husband leaves me and my sister moves away?
Typing that sentence has sent me into convulsions of tears.
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