This is a tough one to write. I’m in an unhappy place right now. I’ll start at the beginning.
Megan came to town on Thursday to spend the holiday weekend with us. We haven’t seen her in a while and it was nice to have her here, at least at first. On Friday night she suggested we go to a bar together. The guys had the night off of work for the holiday and Jayson could watch the kids. But I told Megan that I really don’t do bars because I don’t drink.
She insisted we would just go to someplace low key to hang out and catch up and that I could drink soda, so I agreed. We went to a fairly quiet place not far from home. I ordered a lemonade.
I got up to use the restroom and when I came back I was pretty sure that my lemonade tasted like it had alcohol in it. But I decided I didn’t care. I had specifically told the bartender I wanted just a straight lemonade, and I figured it was my imagination. As I drank more, I started to feel a little buzz. I was never very much of a drinker back when I used to drink, so it doesn’t take much.
I asked for a refill and I saw Megan give some sort of signal to the bartender. I realized at that point that she had told him to put alcohol in my drink even though she knew I don’t drink anymore. I wanted to be pissed at her but I was feeling buzzed and happy. After I had my second lemonade I told her I wanted to do tequila shots.
We got very drunk together, and my memories of the rest of the night and fuzzy. I remember her disappearing for a while and then coming back and telling me she had just had sex with someone in the restroom. I remember being very happy for her, which is crazy and weird and not like me at all. Then I remember telling her I wanted to go have sex in the restroom too.
It wasn’t hard for Megan to find me a willing partner, and I have vague memories of going into the bathroom with him and having sex. I don’t remember it very well at all, I can only really say I remember it enough to know that it actually happened.
I remember crying a lot for the rest of the evening, hanging all over Megan, and telling her that I’ve just ruined my life.
I woke up Saturday in Rachel’s spare bedroom, sleeping next to Megan, and not sure how I’d gotten there. I woke her up and we got into a huge fight. We were screaming and yelling at each other, with me telling her that she had no right to trick me into getting drunk and that she needed to be more responsible. She’s my older sister, she ought to be looking out for me not encouraging me to do bad things.
She just kept telling me that I wanted it and she was only helping me do what I already wanted to do.
The whole house woke up because of our fight. I told Jayson I needed to talk to him and we went downstairs. I have no secrets. Jayson knows about my past and how many times I’ve cheated on him. He knows that I was in therapy for sex addiction. But I was still terrified to tell him about the night before. I told him everything. I told him about the drinking and the sex and that I don’t even remember the face of the man who went into the restroom with me.
I cried and hugged him and apologized and begged him to forgive me. He left the room and I heard him arguing with Megan. That made me feel a little better.
When he came back he suggested we sleep in separate rooms until we figure things out. I sat there and cried by myself for more than an hour.
He took the two older kids out to see fireworks last night and I told him I’d just stay home with the baby. He responded, “Good.”
We went to church together this morning. I told him we should get there early so I could speak with the bishop and he completely agreed. I sat down with the bishop and told him everything. I cried with him. Jayson and I were the perfect new couple in the ward and I’ve ruined it. I’ve ruined so much.
The bishop told me he would work with me through the process of repentance. He assured me that no sin was so big that I couldn’t be forgiven for it. I felt a lot better after we talked, and he said he’d talk to Jayson and me together after church was over.
In sacrament meeting, I was released of my calling. It felt like a public shaming even though no one knew why it was happening.
After church, the bishop talked to both of us. It was a very serious talk. He said that he can’t tell us how this will affect our marriage. He said he’d like to see us work through it, of course, but the decision of our marriage surviving this is between us. He spoke directly to Jayson and said that God will forgive me for what I did as long as I repent properly, and he expects Jayson to forgive me as well. He said something along the lines that God can pick and chose whom he forgives, but for Jayson he is required to forgive me.
I saw Jayson nod slightly.
On the drive home he told me I was going to start seeing my therapist again. I knew it was a demand and not a request so I didn’t respond.
When we got home, Megan was gone. At this point I don’t care if I ever see her again.
This is all very fresh and there’s still a lot to figure out. I’ve been doing a lot of crying and I think there’s a lot more crying to come.
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