The Night of All Clichés in Musings

I showered today.
Our cleaning lady woke me up…

I didn’t call her, it must have been Alex.
I deleted everything off of my journal here.

I walked out of my apartment in $450 jeans,$1500 shoes and a 100$ tshirt. I only tell you this because, I’ve never realized how privileged I am. Obnoxiously privileged, however, I was born into the most disgusting poverty. My mother told me when I was 20 that she sold her body to provide me bread and milk. I mean you use what you got to get what you need.

I went to a restaurant and I ate by myself. I haven’t had alcohol for 2 weeks and I could only finish half a goblet, before I started feeling dizzy.

I payed my bill but the card was declined. And then immediately I assumed he shut off all of our joint accounts and joint cards. I called him and left him a fucking filthy, Dick message… Something along the lines of “fuck you and your fucking money etc. etc”

He called me immediately and said he lost his wallet and cancelled all of his cards. I felt like a douche.

I walked out of the restaurant. I was so dizzy from the wine. I went through my pockets and found a bag of cocaine.

I smashed it on the ground and started crying, squatted.i watched my Louboutin patent leather get covered in dust.

I cried because that drug destroyed my life. I cried because I never considered myself an addict. Addicts are toothless, poor, slum lords. I am a privileged man living in a door man building, with investments a home and money in the bank. I do things that most people only dream of doing.

I don’t live paycheck to paycheck because I made sure that my mother’s mistakes didn’t become mine. I’m not rich… I’m not poor… I’m not middle class… I’m an upper middle Latino– because I worked so hard for it.

As I was crouched down crying, watching the cocaine fly on my shoe… I’m literally yanked by my arm off the ground…

It was alex. I dislike Alex because I feel like he’s every cliché. I resent that because happily ever after only happens in children’s books.

When I felt the yank as I cried I swung so hard and hit and shoved.

He hugged me and said angrily “if I were to rape your or mug you, you’re little girl punches wouldn’t stop me”

I fell into his arms. Alex as usual, the Prince Charming to my fucked up pathetic world.

I don’t think that anyone knows how much I love him. How I worship the ground he steps on. I don’t even think he knows that I would collect his sweat and bathe in it. That’s how love sick I am.

He scolded me “you’ve cried enough Andy, stop fucking crying”

He had an entire conversation with me… He said something a long the lines of “if you put that cheap powder up your nose and I find out.... “You will regret the day you met me”

“Is that a threat?! Alex!”

He said I made my vows to you— I just know you don’t love me as much as I do.... Really? I think I love you so much that I can’t bear my existence without him.

He kneeled in the street. Grabbed my left hand and placed the ring on my finger. I lost so much weight these past few weeks//- the ring I thought was in my sister’s care around our grandmothers necklace.

The 75k ring was in his pocket and he slid it in my ring finger. This is why I don’t realize how fucking absolutely fortunate I am. How many people have periwinkle diamonds— with the cut, clarity and carats that he gave me?! I honestly feel like the rings worth would cause a dent in AIDS research.

I walked home with him.

He hugged me so hard. I couldn’t breathe.

He opened our apartment and it was full of candles. Tons of candles.

I scoffed when I saw them. And he placed a handkerchief over my eyes. Shoved himself behind me.

His voice was super deep and sad. “If you ever choose that white bullshit up your nose over me Andy, I will leave and you will never hear from me again”

I turned around and tried to rip the blindfold, but he held my arms so strongly on to my sides and kissed me.

I tasted the bitter agony as it intertwined with my lips. The reason he covered my eyes was because I’ve told him that I never, ever want to see him cry. Yet I tasted his tears as the died on our lips.

He stripped me and I was blind. He pushed me onto our sofa and I could feel his hands devouring every part of me. His kisses burned my chest. He loved me with every piece of himself and I was his blind recipient.

Even blind I felt him staring into my eyes as he released himself in me.

Asi laid there and ripped the blind off, he just smiled… His nose was red, his eyes were swollen and again he said:

“You will never be mine tresor… You are always something you experience, and that kills me”

Until that intimate moment… I never realized that even if I give myself to someone… Even if I believe I do belong to someone— they will never have the feeling that I actually belong to them.

My friends. My family. My own mother has said the same shit, I will never, ever belong to them—I’m a fleeting moment they try to harness futilely.

As Alex made love to me again, on our bed, he stopped and said “you’re toxic to me, and I know I’m toxic to you, but I need you to be mine, even if it kills me” and as he said that, he collapsed on my chest, kissed my hands hard and held me so tightly–I felt my body going to explode and become our bodies.

He made love to me for hours. He cried— I cried— as our sticky sweat bodies tried to coalesce into one another. We made love in the ryhthym of the night, until I hurt---- and he hurt… As we felt soreness. The birds chirped and the morning came and as I sat on his lap his hands gripped on my waist and he loved me. His left hand with the wedding band I made for him to match my engagement ring and wedding ring. His left hand intertwined with my right hand.

I looked at him deeply, and said “I never ever want to feel like this with any other guy but you” as I felt all of him release in me, I fell asleep on top of him, as he stroked my back and said ” I love you insanely” and before I drifted off with the sandman I hear him say “you won’t ever know tresor, how crazily beautiful you are, you’re fucking crazy and beautiful beyond what I can ever describe to you in words”

I fell asleep on his chest…the most restful sleep… Knowing he doesn’t know how beautiful he is .

Last updated July 22, 2015