Dentist in Diary

Today was appointment two of the root canal, in which the dentist did the actual root canal part of the procedure. Next time I go in, on June 13th, I guess I’ll get my hollowed out tooth yanked out of my mouth with the vice grip of death. I’ll also get the post, and get fitted for a crown. It’s been so long since I’ve had a root canal that I can’t remember exactly how it goes. I seem to recall being cauterized at some point. A blow torch and smoke was involved already, in my appointment today. But good times.

I guess I waited too long to see the dentist, after all. Oh well. My tooth is hurting, now. Probably from burns? I have no idea. I’m weighing the idea of taking a pain pill, although I don’t like the way they make me feel. The “high” from the pills (hydrocodone) is alright, nothing special or wonderful, but the way I feel emotionally when I take them isn’t so great. It’s hard to describe. Maybe I should take one.

The past couple weeks I’ve been deliberately thinking about a certain someone every morning on the way to work in an attempt to suss out what went wrong with our relationship and why she is too uncomfortable to have anything to do with me. I don’t want to say who it is…but it’s someone I was close to for many years. I use the word “relationship” in a general sense. There was never any romance involved, although I was in love with her. I never told her how I felt about her for several reasons. For one, I didn’t want to ruin our friendship. “Relationship” was her word, in the one and only text she sent to me after I’d asked why she had seemed so distant when she last visited. “I’m uncomfortable with our relationship when we were younger,” she wrote. That’s all the reason she gave as to why she was ending all communication with me.

I know what happened. I was there. But I’m still confused. As far as my perspective of the situation is concerned, nothing happened that I feel was unforgivable or worthy of great emotional discomfort. Then again, I was in love with her, so it’s easier to forgive myself for certain things that happened. It took me only a few hours to fall for her completely, that one day years ago, sitting next to her in the car. And believe me when I say I tried not to look at her in that way. I tried my best to look away. But I’m only human, and I stole a few lusty glances at her that day. We weren’t alone. Maybe someone noticed at the time and finally told her all these years later. It could be. But still, I feel like I deserved a chance to explain what happened from my perspective. I never chose to fall in love with her. If anyone, prior to that day, had told me I would fall for her, I would have never believed them. If I could have made the choice, I would’ve chosen to never feel that way about her.

It could be that when I said “I love you” before I hung up the phone those few times I said it, she could hear the truth of the feelings behind my words. I stopped saying that in an effort to preserve our friendship and avoid any weirdness or hurt feelings. Not that it matters now. I almost wish I would have confessed my feelings to her back then. Just put it all out there. But I wouldn’t have. I wonder if she ever had feelings for me. Could she have also been in love with me? If there is such a thing as true love, it’s what I felt for her. What I still feel. For a long time I told myself I’d refuse to speak with her if she ever contacted me. But now, after thinking about her every day for weeks, I know I’d talk to her. And if she does ever call me, or write to me, I will tell her how I feel. Because I have nothing left to lose where we’re concerned, and because telling her would help her understand why I did what I did.

My tooth still hurts. Either I take a pill, or eventually, a drink. Can’t do both. Meh.

After the appointment, I decided to not go back to work. For one, half my face was numb. And also, I wanted a break from the phones. My dad is paying for the lion’s share of the cost for the dental work. I feel guilty letting him pay that much money since I can technically afford to pay it myself, even though it’s very expensive. I really appreciate him being so generous.

Well, I’m kind of tapped out from writing about…stuff. I just wanted to check in. Life is going pretty well for me. No big problems. I bought a $50 iPod shuffle which I’ve been enjoying quite a bit, as well as a few new 3DS games. I’ll try to be better about writing, here. I really do want this to be a bigger part of my life. Take care, everyone.