checking in in Diary

I felt like I should write something here, especially since it’s been so long. Two months, it looks like. I’ve thought about writing…I just haven’t made the time for it, I guess. My job has been overwhelming me, affecting the way I live my life. After work, all I want to do is vegetate in front of the computer and watch youtube videos and drink whiskey for hours. Afterward, I’m too tired and too buzzed to write anything.

In the mornings, on the way to work, I’ve been thinking a lot about a certain someone, about how she completely cut me out of her life without so much as an explanation as to why other than to say “I’m uncomfortable about our relationship when we were younger.” I have no idea what she’s uncomfortable about. Was it something I said or did? Is it because of her feelings for me? Does she know I’ve been in love with her ever since the day we went on that hike in southern Utah so many years ago?

I told her, “I love you” for awhile after we hung up the phone (and so did she). But at some point I decided to stop, because I didn’t want her to know I was in love with her. Other than that, we had a great, healthy relationship from then on. I don’t want to write any more about it here, because it makes me feel angry and depressed.

I almost got fired because of my lack of attendance. But I’m still working. I still don’t like my job. Often, I hate it. It’s still uncomfortable for me to talk on the phone, especially if I’m hungry, angry, tired, or depressed. Anyway, whatever, it’s a job. It gives me something to do. In the end, it’s probably for the best that I keep struggling until I get comfortable talking to people again.

My writing has gone by the wayside once again. I want to get back to it so I can finish what I started. It’s easy for me to get discouraged, though, because I don’t know how to finish the novel or write the climax or even what the climax will be. I know Carmen will become a sort of vampire, and that all the main characters will be trapped in the fortress of glass, including the bad guys and the bad girl.

It’s late, and I still plan to make my version of succotash. It’ll be pretty good, I think. I’m just winging it. I don’t have a recipe, but I’m using corn, roasted red peppers, onion, beans, potato, celery, chicken broth, and half and half. I’ll put some creamed corn in there too if I can find some. I’m hungry…all I’ve had to eat today is a super-unhealthy fast food meal from Burger King. I waited until 5 pm to eat lunch, too, and got in a super bad mood because of being so hungry while being forced to talk about debit cards and checking accounts and automatic payments and NSF fees for hours on end.

Okay, well, it’s been nice to check in. I’ve been thinking about all of you on my “Favorites” list even though I haven’t been around. Take care. I’ll write again soon. No, really, I will.