I haven’t kept a journal since open diary went down.
I had six years worth of entries there. I miss that site like crazy and the friends I made there.
I don’t have time to bring anyone up to speed, because I am writing for therapy. It’s kinda like watching a new soap opera. You just grab a cup of coffee and start watching, and eventually you learn the cast and characters.
I left my husband of 25 years once, about eighteen months into my affair with the silver fox. I stayed out on my own for a year and it was by far the best, yet most difficult year of my life. I came home because I was under immense pressure from my mother, my oldest daughter and my husband. I knew coming back was the wrong decision, but I did it out of desperation too, as I needed some pretty involved surgery and aftercare.
Yes, I am a married woman, and I have been in a monogomous extramarital affair for seven, almost EIGHT years. I have been monogomous, my partner has not.
My partner is not to be confused with my husband. My husband has not been unfaithful, for he is too unkempt and ill mannered and socially awkward to approach another woman.
I suspect my silver fox has had lovers other than me all along. I have caught him in some suspicious situations and have made all out accusations against him. One time, a piece of spam email infested with a trojan virus came to my inbox and it had a list of all of his contacts in the details header. I knew they were women by the email handles. I even emailed a few of them and said, “Hey, I think we have the same boyfriend.” None of them responded.
I looked quite a few of these emails up and found their yahoo pages. Many of them were women from his age group and area, as noted in their respective profiles.
I also caught him with a burn phone. I saved the number for over a year after we began dating, and he assured me the phone was out of commission, just like his DICK was supposed to have been…
I called the number, over a YEAR later and there it was, up and running without so much as a hitch. He hadn’t even changed the voicemail greeting.
He tried to lie his way out of that one, confusing me, or rather trying to confuse me about some “sim” card mix up, and he kept the phone or the sim card at work and somehow it got activated, and yadda yadda.
I chose to turn a blind eye.
Looking back at this one weekend in question, I had a premonition, per se. I remember he went to his cottage to “work” without the wife, and he NEVER called me. He claimed it was bad phone service, and from that weekend forward, he NEVER called me while he was away at his cottage again. Not even when he went into town on Sunday morning, and DID have ample cell tower coverage.
I’ve spent the past three days inspecting the tissues of my vagina for any lumps, bumps or abnormalities. I’m envisioning my lover at rest stops, engaging in sex for money or even worse, for free.
Every song that comes on the radio makes me want to either cry or vomit.
I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. There’s no doubt, I’m in deep.
BUT, HERE is the good news!
This gut wrenching bit of garbage has seriously evoked the FLIGHT OR FIGHT response within me. I’m NOT spending the rest of my life in a loveless, sexless marriage of covenience. If I stay in this marriage, then what I see with my fox is what I HAVE to look forward to. If I don’t’ break from this marriage, I will end up just like him, hurting other people while looking to fill the void in my heart. I will never be able to love another person fully, or to be with them all the time or in times of trouble or need. I will never be able to embrace a good, satisfying relationship.
If I stay married, I will always be in relationships where I cannot fully give OR receive. Where someone has to be second, or by the looks of things to come, THIRD for Christs’ sake.
Nope, I’m not living like that.
BUT WAIT, I AM living like “that”. Why?
Because I do not really want to struggle financially, and worry about my own bills and my own medical coverage. I’m scared to be that poor, and it’s easier to sit here and know I’m safe and be miserable the whole while because my life is empty without passion and love and excitement.
I’m gonna trade all that I’m missing for security and safety from poverty? Yeah, I guess I am, because I have been for all this time. Seven years has passed me by.
I guess I had determined it was easiest to sit here and be safe. But, safe means a heart full of pain and a lifetime of illicit affairs trying to fill the void. And feeling losses like this one, over and over again.
So, I’ve decided definitively to opt for the poverty.
I’d also like to have alimony, child support and a cash settlement for my equity in the house, please Alex.
Somewhere in my future, there just might be a daily double.
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