I’m sitting in the bathroom at the shop, alone.
I don’t care that I’m alone. I relish time to myself. I am nervous though,because the townsfolk treat this place as if it is my home, and if someone sees me in here they just might come knocking. It’s happened before, and I stay secreted away in the tiny bathroom and they eventually go away.
I guess what they don’t realize is that in a lot of ways, this little place of employment is my refuge. It’s the only thing I have that I feel I earned, and it’s the only place where I feel in command of my own life.
I can’t get hassled here. Nobody can reach me. I can smoke a joint and lick my wounds and make some kind of peace with myself.
Speaking of being able to reach me…
The silver fox has been calling me repeatedly. He acts as if nothing is wrong, but deep inside, he knows the reason I don’t answer his calls. It kills me to let it ring. The pull to answer is so strong that I have to power the phone OFF so as not to give in to the temptation. My heart pounds when I see his number come up on my phone, and I wonder if he knows how much he hurt me. For me, sex is a very big part of a relationship. Sex, or rather, the sharing of your body with someone else. The actual ACT itself.
For one, I am inhibited in the presence of a good looking man, and thankfully, that is usually what I end up in bed with. To share sex, I have to trust. I can’t do it casually, unless my lover is involved. That, my friends, is a whole nother entry.
When you have sex with someone it makes you so damn vulnerable. Potentially, it can kill you. That is what I am MOST upset about. He did not use a rubber with me and I guarantee you he isn’t using one with someone else. So, now I am sleeping with whoever THAT skank slept with, and THAT is just not alright with me.
So, my silver fox, you rotten bastard. How DARE YOU decide what I am exposed to as far as infectious diseases are concerned? Thanks for using your superior judgement to decide MY fate. You rotten fuck. You are cheating on your wife with me and cheating on me with your whatever the fuck it is.
Really?
It’s been said before that I am a bad, bad girlfriend. So, I confess.
I have also been cheating, but here’s the difference.
I was emotionally cheating. With my male best friend. There was no sex involved and still isn’t and I think that is either because the fucker is impotent or gay. But, even without sex, he’s my sugar daddy. He buys me shit and takes care of my kids AND my every emotional need.
He takes me to dinner. He takes my kid swimming and he brings me pop and lunch every day that I work.He puts gas in my car, he holds me when I cry and he gives me advice from his perspective and for my own good. He is totally devoted to me and would take me into his house in a heartbeat.
When my car breaks down, he fixes it or pays someone else to.
I don’t allow him to pay my bills or he would. He offers. He is not a rich man, he is just a devoted man.
BUT FOR ALL HE DOES FOR ME, I CAN’T LOVE HIM LIKE I DO YOU.
I have to have a physical connection with someone to completely and fully be satisfied in a relationship. He and I, we don’t have that. We have trust and comfort. We are familiar with one another. He’s bossy and I don’t like that. He makes me upset sometimes with his dominant behavior and curt responses, but I always know where I stand with him and he is always tender to me if I complain or rebel. He never yells, but he never kisses or touches me either. He gets moody for days at a time and is a recovering addict. Sometimes, I say he “manstruates” and I am not exaggerating.
So, here I am. Loving you, even though you already found my replacement.
I knew this day was coming.
I just didn’t know it would literally gut me.
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