I want it to be over, but I could wish that for a bullet wound also. in Where's Bree? Gone...

It starts here: Stolen Faces
Well, it started on OD, and fell over to here.

Call me crazy. -shrugs-
If I have proof of being taken advantage of from my abusers?
If I have the names of the people who hurt me? I don’t believe that’s insanity. Now, if I make up accounts and pretend to be people who don’t exist?…that would be insanity.

I almost want to spokesperson for what happens to so many people online. Being the type of person I am, I do surround myself with like minded people. People who’ve been hurt, and those who seek help to get better. Trauma can do that to a person. To find a norm among madness.
There’s also “Fight or Flight”.

Me? I’m a fighter.
-waves- “Hi, My name is Bree, and I can only put up with so much crap before I do something about.”

Deep down, I’ve always been a fighter. My little flame can’t be truly burnt out. I admit I might be the person who doesn’t know when to stay down. I can also be a stubborn…uh very stubborn hell to be reckoned with fighter. It’s how I was raised. To challenge and push.

I always want solid closure. Who the fuck wouldn’t? I want at the fucking very least…an sincere apology.

You be amazed at what an honest apology could mean.
It doesn’t mean, forgive / forget. It doesn’t mean, YAY we can all be friends again!
It means, “Hey, I’m totally fucked up, I did something completely shitty to other life and I feel legit remorse for this”. It also means I won’t hunt you down and make your life as equally miserable as you’ve made mine! …jk I ain’t got time for that. Me writing is the extent of my ire. Rawr.

I’ve seen this though. This amazing thing called an apology. I’ve had a person come to me with the most sincere one. One that I’ll hold up to others and compare.
She was the only girl I could ever recall ever having a passionate hate for. Something I don’t think I’ll feel again, because it was a learning process among the hell of dealing with it.
I didn’t even hate my father as much as I hated this girl, and my father was a murderer.
The fact that this girl made it her daily mission to hurt me, or find some way to make me feel threatened, twisted into a hate for her.
Over what you might ask?
A guy.
Holy hell was this one guy not worth the shit that got rained down.

This girl was an ex girlfriend of the guy whom I also had the misfortune of dating. I don’t know why they broke up, weirdly I never asked. I should have.
When I had realized, he was feeding her crazy by staying in contact with her, and cheating on me with her. I instantly broke it off.
There is a long history story between the three of us. But that’s neither here nor there with what my point is.

To her, the idea that I even existed and even slightly mattered to the guy, made me her wish I was dead. I know cause she told me all the damn time with wished I’d die. To her, this dude was the be all end all of her life. She’d call me from blocked numbers in the middle of the night crying, “You fucking slut, this is all your fault. I love him!” then hang up.
Good fucking grief. He cheated ON ME, with HER. AND he went back to her when I broke up with him. But every fight they had, I was the one she called to blame.
There were calls, email, AIM messages, Yahoo messages. She broke into my apartment once and left me a note asking “how safe to you feel at night knowing I can just walk into your apartment whenever I feel like it”. I think she made a copy of the guy’s key. I was scared of her. She was a nutcase, but I knew I could take her if it came to that.
It eventually did come to that. She showed up at my work, she started talking shit about my parents. Egging me on. I had had enough, and grabbed her hair then threw her head into the wall. The bitch was durable cause she came back at me throwing punches. So her and I both got into a physical fight, cops were called and stuff.
It was a mess and I was possibly contemplating going to jail over the relief of getting to beat her senseless with a baseball bat or something. Just so it’ll eventually be over, and she could finally hate me for a legit reason.

Thankful, I’m a rational human.

My hate we both knew was totally warranted. Which made the apology on her end almost a staggering relief.

Some friends said “I would never forgive her for what she did”.
Which I don’t.

I don’t forgive that girl that tortured me and made my life hell for a year straight. But I do forgive the girl who wrote me that message, apologizing for the girl she once was. Saying “I can’t really blame it all on the drugs, but they didn’t help at the time I was hurting you. I am embarrassed about what I did and said.”
And “I’m also sorry it took me this long to realize what I was doing to you”.

It’s the known that we ALL make mistakes. We ALL do some petty fucked up things. But we can accept fault with the hope to build back the dignity that was lost.

People can be strong and amazing. They can surprise you.
Sadly though, I can still feel that burn of fear and hate, what was left by her marking and scaring my past like she did. I have no reason to hate the woman that she is right now.
Her message was proceeded by years of silence. When I saw her name after 5 years, I did feel that sinking dread. Like something had sparked the hate in her again, and I would need to be on guard. After I finished reading it, it was the best thing to come from that mess. I had tears in my eyes. No her excuses for acting like a maniac weren’t good enough reason for what she had done, but her remorse was enough now for us both.

I hold the story of it. I’m sure if she ever speak of it, it’s probably to say something like “oh man, when I was doing coke, I went batshit insane and harassed the shit out of my ex’s ex!” Though I doubt that’s a story she’ll ever enjoy telling. I know she needed to say her side in that message just as much as I needed to hear it. Because I often wonder. “Why?” Why why why why....

Now I hold the memory of my past that she’s now apart of. Because of her jealously and spite. It’s the marks she decided to leave on the world, and on me. My story to tell cause it happened to me.

Though similar shit has been happening online for as long as I can remember.

I won’t hide my feelings of disgust or my face. But it doesn’t feel like that’s enough. That it’ll never be enough. Not for the mass cloud of online bullies, trolls and liars who are self-entitled. So quick to point the finger and blame others for their own created misery.

People have/are “Catfishing” with my photos. This is a fact. I have been told I should ignore it and be the “better person”.

But what does that really mean?
In the case that was presented toward me, it’s the judgment of one person’s belief that the “better person” is the person who lets the bullies, liars and trolls move on with their pathetic lives - because them being who they are is punishment enough. But the huge flaw in that is, they’ll just go troll, bully and lie to others. And those others will be left like I was, hurt and confused.
This is coming from someone who doesn’t understand much.

You’ll never hear me agree…
”Phew good thing I was the better person, and just ignored it. Amiright guys? So glad I listened to the super suspicious comment left defending the obvious manipulative liars. -dust of hands- Not my problem anymore, good luck world and whoever is super unfortunate to cross paths with those people in the future. Would have loved to have warned you all. But I got some ‘friendly advice’ from a stranger that I needed to be the better person.”

…for the sake of humanity, that feels almost like turning away from watching a child be abuse, a woman being raped, a man being cheated. I use extreme because I truly believe that that person is so lacking in understanding, that if I didn’t word it as such, it would go over their head. It’s the same idea they told me. “Turn away. Ignore”.

Ignorance will not remove a problem.

How am I suppose to feel other than repulsed and betrayed?
Because I was cheated, I was abused my identity was taken. And for what reason? For what purpose? My abusers are faceless and nameless online. But I’m told I’m just as bad for exposing the lie.

The girl herself who stole the photos of me is in question of even existing. I have multiple people who have said as such. These are people who were too, used by these people.
The Catfish calls them “spies”. I call them victims.

These people aren’t the brightest with their flimsy lies. Yes, it all might work in the moment, in the beginning. But weak things usually break. Not everyone is James Bond and nor are Catfish villainous masterminds.
For one, if you’re going to fake your death, you should probably check if you have mutual friends…or maybe, stop updating status on social media’s. Also, don’t post on mutual social site or say....journalling sites.

It’s funny to me how horrible people get really angry about others who help. “Grrrr I would have gotten away with it if it wasn’t for that one guy who saw me post Happy Birthday to my not dead husband!”

I, like most, try make true friendships with people. Stronger connections with people. Because I have zero to lie about. I have nothing to hide, because I’m not embarrassed of myself to pretend to be someone I am not.

They could have just left me alone. As I asked. They could have been like, “well fuck, I fucked up, and I should take my bad behavior and think about what I’ve done” But like most people with the mind of a child, they did something stupid.
They had to leave me with a lasting pain “weh, you hurt my feelings now I’m going to have you believe I’m dead”, which backfired, lol.

Deduction and the constant use of using other peoples photos. This girl is either the delusional imaginings of a psychotic 30+ male.
Check the “highly likely” box on paper.
Or a girl with a severe self image and mental problems.
Check the “please seek therapy and stop spreading your crazy” box.

I feel so badly for the people who are online believing that the girl they’re talking to has my face. That’s who I feel the worse for.

And fucking christ, it sucks to waver on trust. It’s fucking exhausting to meet someone new and instantly feel as if I’m being duped again. I feel like I’m missing chances to make friends with people because of these assholes.

Last updated February 18, 2015