Sunday Plasma Sunday in 2015

I didn’t sleep well last night. It was most likely a mistake to try falling asleep to a new album that I’ve been jamming out to (Dangerous Intentions by Patterns, check it out!) instead of being bored to sleep by an audiobook like usual. There was certainly some anxiety. I had a nightmare, which usually doesn’t happen, and I woke up several times during the night. On the way home from work today, my anxiety increased exponentially. Even during sushi with the roommate afterward, I still couldn’t fully enjoy delicious fishy treats delivered via conveyor.

I really shouldn’t be feeling so anxious, this is what I wanted. I finally found a job better than the plasma center, which admittedly took me far too long to do. I’m still staying on there Sundays, since I want some extra money and I like pretty much all of my co-workers. They’ve also been beyond cool about working with me schedule-wise when I gave them less than a week notice of finding a different job.

Anyway, I now drive an hour in the morning to McMinnville, i.e. the middle of nowhere, Oregon. I’m a contract phlebotomist at a heart and wellness clinic that seems to cater largely toward elderly patients. It’s a Monday-Friday 8am-5pm schedule, which is far better than what I had, although the hour drive sucks. I make 4.29 more an hour than I do at the old job, which feels awesome, but in reality probably barely justifies the drive. I’m also the only phlebotomist. After the half day of setting things up today, and a day of training tomorrow, that’s it, I’m on my own. My contacts at my new employer have assured me they’re readily available via phone, but that only goes so far. I have a day to learn how to stick worse candidates with small needles to draw several vials of blood in a manner that is new to me, plus learn how to order the appropriate tests and ship everything off the same day. It’s scary as fuck. I put on a brave face though, I don’t want them to think of me as incompetent.

Overall things are improving. The third roommate moved out into a place with his new girlfriend. Rent has went up appropriately, but you can’t really put a price on sanity, can you? Well, perhaps you can. Our friendship is slowly starting to repair itself, also bolstered by the fact we only work together one day a week. I know better than to really trust or rely on him, but he is fun to hang out with. My remaining roommate is still cool, and once she is able to get her own car things will be yet easier.

I still have my friend with benefits, though realistically it’s a very part-time relationship, we just refuse to label it. I don’t know if it will last now that our schedules are vastly different. I enjoy her company, but have a very hard time settling down. I am hesitant to trust people and dislike relying on them. I’m too used to being independent, and I’m not fully convinced she doesn’t still want to be as well, despite how loving she is while we are together. In private, that is, since we still put up a facade around co-workers of being merely not that close friends. We text a little every day or two but it’s mostly just to set up one of us spending the night at the other’s place. There have been a couple issues that have popped up. She says I’m too nice to her, referring to forgiving her over the situations that have occured. It’s nothing malicious on her part, but it is annoying and also a character trait that will undoubtedly come up in the future and will be unpleasant then as well. I don’t know, we’ll see. I know there are interested eyes on me elsewhere; I’m confident and aware enough at this point to be able to tell. I just don’t know. In a way it’s hard to improve yourself and then somewhat put the brakes on just as you’re starting to see the benefits of said improvement. I went after her, and it wouldn’t have worked before, but it did. Then she tried to friend zone me, and in the past I would have fell to that, but I sidestepped it this time. I became better. I don’t think it’s organic to simply stop and settle in like that after a little success, but then again isn’t that what a lot of people do? Often it seems to be because they have kids. She is on birth control and doesn’t want any more kids, so that is a relief at least. I’m starting to think I don’t want children at all. Maybe I’ll meet someone who will make me change my mind on that later.

I feel like I’m in over my head with the new job…I repeatedly assured them that the distance isn’t a problem, but it kind of is. I was told by the manager at the plasma job that if it doesn’t work out they can make me full time again, which is an extremely gracious gesture. I don’t want to go back to that, that place stresses me out, but it is a comfort, just in case this blows up in my face. I don’t really feel so well physically now either. I was anxious to the point of irrationality earlier and it’s still exiting my system apparently. I’m better than that though. In a couple weeks I’ll be settled in and things will be fine.

I got added to a Facebook group concerned our 10 year high school reunion. Fuck. It’s really here. Only a few months left. I’ve thought about that, hypothetically, for years. I wanted so badly to have something to show for myself, and I don’t. I honestly probably won’t even be in town for that, but still. I’m almost 28 and haven’t accomplished anything I’ve set out to. There’s still plenty of time to make it happen, and it’s entirely my own damn fault, nevertheless it’s a barfy concept. I do plan to finally visit my hometown this year. That’s part of the reason I’m working six days a week and still donating plasma. There are only fragments of memories left of my family at this point, six and a half years is almost a lifetime when I consider all I’ve experienced since then. I need to see my family, and my hometown. One, because I’m homesick, and two, to validate why I left and didn’t look back. I still have problems and chase happiness, but I don’t feel nearly as empty and lonely as I did back then. Things are a lot better, as much as I take them for granted I am aware of that.

I might start using this more. My new schedule makes it a lot harder to be social with the people I know here, who are largely from the plasma center. I’ll be staying home most nights, and I’ve always preferred writing in here at night. Perhaps I can get to know some new faces. If not, I really appreciate still being in touch with those of you who I’ve known for years from OD. I really did rely on that place and you back in the day to stay sane and feel better. I don’t know how long the concept of online community journals will be able to cling to relevance, but I’ll be here now and then as long as it is. Hopefully you will be too.