I, er, what. in The Rant Dump

I’m not upset. …I think I am, but I don’t want to be. I just did some deep breathing thing I learned some time ago on the internet. I felt physically calm, but my brain keeps arguing about the points that make me upset. Yes, brain. You’re absolutely right. I was betrayed, and that is unforgivable. But I also want some peace of mind and none of the drama.

So please, just let it go?

It’s amazing. Feelings. When I found out about the upsetting event today, there’s this physical discomfort I got. I am very patient and superficially forgiving, but my mind and my ego keep on tormenting me. “I don’t deserve this.” “I’ll get even with you next time, you’ll see.” “You want war? I’ll give you war.”

It would feel amazing to give in, seriously. But I understand that being immature will not benefit me aside from feeding my ego, so I need to restrain myself. I need to focus on long-term results.

When I’m upset, I am quiet and try to smile as needed. But inside, it’s a big tug-of-war between my conscience and my fist suckerpunching someone. One of my goals is to improve my reactions to such events, so that I can get the most out of whatever I can capitalize on. I want my logic to dominate my seething emotions because raging out is rather impractical (and embarrassing, I imagine).

Seriously, I want to be better. For my age, I’m not impressed at whatever I am right now. But, at least, I know my weaknesses and so I can do something about them.

Okay. I think I feel better now. I’ll focus on learning more about DotA at the moment. It’s such a wonderful distraction.