Decree nisi in Juggling with Hedgehogs

The court paperwork arrived yesterday. I was shocked by how it affected me. You’d think, considering what I went through last year, and the fact that I’m now estranged from both my children, that I would be self-righteous, a bit relieved, kind of angry but defiant or whatever. But I just cried. Seeing a piece of paper telling you that six weeks and one day after the nisi date (which is Friday the 13th of February, just to add some piquancy to it - my first marriage was on Valentine’s day!) your 21 year marriage will come to a crashing end just bloody hurts. I don’t want the man back, I don’t want the lifestyle back, I don’t want any of that, quite frankly, but it’s a very bloody long time to be with somebody for it all to just end without you having a say in the matter.

So the evening got off to a bad start and then got worse when Paul was over an hour late arriving. On a couple of occasions in the past, when he’s been having difficulty sleeping, he’s fallen asleep in the evening when he was supposed to be seeing me. So I presumed that had happened and sent him a couple of messages saying that I was presuming he was sleeping and that I loved him.

Around 20 past 9, he messaged me to say he’d been on a long call to his mum, dealing with the fact that his uncle has suddenly decided to contest his gran’s will. His mum cared for his gran for years, her brothers did nothing, and his gran re-wrote her will and left everything to his mum. His mum actually insisted that the brothers were given something, but one of them has now decided that she has in some way engineered things and hidden money to cut them out of it. I have no time for that kind of greed, it makes me livid. But poor Paul has ended up having to deal with his mum in a flap, and will now have to see a solicitor and arrange to have all the paperwork gathered together to prove the uncle doesn’t have a case. Which is all time-consuming and stressful for all concerned and not really what any of them deserve in the slightest. Families, eh?

So last night, I didn’t talk to him about how the decree nisi announcement had made me feel, because it wasn’t appropriate timing. I kept it all inside, and I’ve been quite weepy in work today. I think I am actually depressed again, and should probably get some meds sorted out and some time off work - again - but I’m trying to fight my way through it this time. I think I can do it. I have 5-HTP, which really helps, and I have Paul, which is like having my own personal magic wand, and great friends who are of more value to me most of the time than my useless selfish children. So I’m just going to battle on.

I had text messages back and forth with my ex last night and today to sort out the final bits for the divorce. He still hasn’t told me where he’s living - even though I know, unofficially - or that he’s living with Caroline (and that’s a ditto).

So I’ve arranged for him to visit next Monday evening to assess what’s left in the garage that he wants - or doesn’t want. After that, the last thing we have to do is sit at a computer together and do the Clean Break agreement. Then, we just wait for the divorce machine to trundle on and churn out a piece of paper that says we’re both free to marry again.

And then they all lived happily ever after…

Last updated January 29, 2015