Much better in Juggling with Hedgehogs

There have undoubtedly been ups and downs in this estrangement from the kids scenario. There have been doubts and concerns in my head with regard to it all - I wouldn’t be human if I didn’t doubt myself from time to time. But as more time passes, the more certain I am that a) I did the right thing and b) it was long overdue. Also - so I suppose c) - if they cared about me they wouldn’t have accepted it so readily. My son tried to persuade me not to take such action, and I do appreciate that he did that, but daughter appears to have gone into ‘well sod you then’ mode, which speaks volumes.

So I’m getting on with my life, and it’s been rather brilliant. Suddenly, there is time for me to pursue my own interests. I’m not spending money on unplanned emergencies - I AM spending money, but I’m spending it on what I want, not what someone else needs. It’s kind of weird, being selfish. It’s a new concept for me, to be honest, and it’s quite refreshing and freeing. I imagine my daughter is thinking that I should have cracked by now and contacted her, all weepy and sad and full of apologies. Son wants to punish me. I could tell that from his recent text messages. Well, no. My messages to him were for the sake of my own conscience, because he did try to apologise. But it was all way too late, way too little and I was past it at the time. All the same, if someone genuinely tries, they deserve some acknowledgement at least. I’m sure he now thinks that he’s won some kind of moral victory. Well he can think again. It’s his birthday on the 7th of February. He’ll be receiving a single text from me, and nothing more. I expect that will garner a sarcastic response.

Whenever I imagine any future conversation with either of them, I imagine them sitting there in their self-righteousness, telling me how awful I am for doing what I’ve done, and my response is always (in my head anyway), ‘then you’ve just reinforced my actions and proven that it was the right thing for all of us’. I can’t imagine a scenario where either of them have the gumption to come to me and say ‘I’ve been a horrible son/daughter, and I want to fix things with you’. Actually, Hana hasn’t been horrible at all. She’s just been oblivious to the pain she was causing me. Uncaring, really, rather than actively awful. And duplicitous, which I really find inexcusable. But she has also possibly been manipulated, which she CAN be excused for, at least to some extent. She should still have spoken to me though. Ryan? Bloody vile. But oddly, that, I can deal with far easier than Hana’s complete betrayal.

I’ve re-joined the National Trust and intend to visit as many places as possible this year. That was the intention last year, but circumstances got in the way rather a lot. Paul is up for visiting lovely places with me, and taking lovely photographs, so I plan for us to have lots of happy days out together. I have a lot of photography assignments to do, which Paul is encouraging me with - as far as he can anyway, a lot of it is reliant on the weather, which at this time of year is just a joke.

I’m also planning our lovely holiday in Turkey in April. It’s a photography holiday - a full 8 days of touring around a beautiful historic area of natural beauty, experiencing the culture and taking as many amazing landscape pictures as possible. Paul hasn’t had a holiday for years, so he’s really looking forward to it.

I’ve been ridiculously busy at work, and I’m doing more than one job these days - something that also sticks in my craw is that I’m working as hard as I am to pay off the fine that Ryan caused with his little illegal jaunt to Greece in 2012. He seems to have completely forgotten that I sold off all my shares to pay for a lawyer, and basically wiped myself out getting him out of prison - including taking on a debt to my soon-to-be-ex-husband for his fine. It really galls me that I’m paying my ex until October this year for something I WASN’T RESPONSIBLE FOR. I was so tempted to tell Ryan that had it not been for me, he wouldn’t be in the UK and able to post insulting Facebook status updates about my bouts of depression that my daughter could then gleefully agree with! Instead, he’d be rotting in a Greek prison cell with the cockroaches and the rats, eating shit food and feeling sorry for himself. I know I’m saying I’m dealing with this - and I am - but the anger is never far below the surface. I imagine that will go on for a very long time, because these things occasionally come around a corner and smack me in the face.

My children are unworthy of me. It’s that simple. And they deserve everything I’ve said to them - and in Hana’s case, everything I haven’t said. I’m sure she thinks she’s punishing me with the deafening silence, but it’ll be eating her up. I know her way better than she thinks I do, and she hasn’t paid much attention to me lately, so I think I will probably surprise her with how long I can keep this up.