Ah, quiet. in The Rant Dump

Today I’ve decided to take a little vacation. I stopped thinking about the things that I have to do. I’m in my room the whole day, barely spoke at all. I allowed myself to do whatever I felt like doing.

So today I listened to some classical music. I’m not really that enthusiastic about the whole genre. Just some select pieces. It was kind of frustrating because I only knew a few. While listening, I grabbed my kettlebell and swung away because I like how it makes me feel warm. I am weird when I am by myself.

I still can’t do push-ups so I’ll do some gradual training to get there. I don’t know, I just like being able to do stuff since I’m kind of frail. I want to be fit, the type that survives in a fist fight. Which reminds me, a few days ago Luther and I were talking about DotA. “If we lived in a DotA-like world, what kind of character would you be?” I asked. “Eh, a long-ranged villain guy,” he answered, which made sense. He’s tall, lanky, mildly diabolical, and crafty.

“How about you?” “I dunno, what do you think?” “…A melee tank with an awesome sword.”

I was kind of…surprised when he said it. As someone weak and stamina-lacking, it’s not the job for me. Another thing is that people have labeled me as the ‘smart’ one, so I would’ve understood if he told me I’d be a Wizard.

It’s true that I always pick swordsmen in most RPGs I play. I don’t know why. Most people I know go for the Wizards because they’re cool, fun to play, and quite dangerous once mastered. But I like swords, which can be bland in RPGs with magic, good lawd.

So maybe this is one of the reasons why I want to be insanely fit in real life? I don’t want to just look good. I want to feel good. I want to feel strong.

I took the MBTI test for personality typing and I got INTJ. Basically it’s a mastermind kind of thing– always on the side of logic, analytical, a thinking person. My scores weren’t very definitive except for the Introvert part. The rest were verging on <10%, which means I only have a slight preference for my N/T/J part.

I realized that my INTJ side is made to compensate for my lackings. I learned to think so that I can work smart, not hard. It’s not my core personality, but a persona I use to make life easier. If I were readily strong, I suppose I would be a reaction-type of person, mostly improvising along the way since I would be confident with my capabilities. But I suppose if I kept my thinking part, I can use that to make stuff even easier.

Well, that’s the problem with me. I am used to easy things. When I encounter problems, I detach myself and look at the big picture. “What is so hard about this?” I’d ask myself. Then I start realizing that it’s not that difficult and it becomes a game for me. This way of thinking has gotten me through so many things. But I shouldn’t rely so much on this. What if it came to an impossible point? What do I do then? How do I cope? Real life can pull a fast one on me. There. I need to be fundamentally strong.

Wow, now I’m just rambling. Sorry for putting you through this, future self. I know you’ll be re-reading this and would facepalm because of the lengthy rants. Oh, and at the moment, I’ve moved on from classical music to Dubstep stuff. I learned to like it while watching DotA montages. They used these for BGMs, and I thought they were stimulating.

Speaking of games. DotA, gawd. I tried the Delusion trick for this, and it didn’t work. The big picture is okay, but the little nuances are too many. I hate myself because I want to be good at everything. That’s why whenever I try DotA on my own, I end up restarting after 15 minutes because I mess up. Which should be fine. But nooo. I suppose I’m the kind of person who doesn’t know how to get back up after failing. I need to be strong! And now you finally realize that I don’t just mean physical fitness.

I also realize that I am a passive learner. I can’t learn if I pay too much attention, if I force feed down information. I need to let things ‘sink in’ without conscious thought. It literally takes time. I noticed this when I was learning how to play the piano. After a long while of hiatus, I played out of the blue and noticed a significant improvement. It’s weird and kind of a hindrance in real life since there are demands and time constraints for things that matter.

I want to catch up to Luther soon. I’m putting pressure on myself. This is literally just a game, and I’m making a big deal out of it. Well, why not? It’s the main reason why we hang out, might as well be good at it.

…This is supposed to be how nice and quiet my day is, but I ended up ranting, ha.