Thoughts in Torridaussity Two
- Jan. 20, 2015, 3:49 a.m.
- |
- Public
So the funeral for my grandpa’s Helen was Saturday and now that the formal process of grieving is done, I can begin to move forward in my own healing in my own way. When a death happens in my family or close friends, it makes me become very contemplative about my own life’s journey. I think about how if I ever get married there is now one less person in my life who I loved that won’t be there to share in my joy, how if I ever have children they won’t know the wonderful people I had in my life, what if I never get married, what if I die tomorrow, what if someone else dies too soon and will I be able to handle it. As time passes these thoughts fade, but they are always there in the back of my mind and at the oddest trigger come to the forefront of my mind. They can reduce me to tears in mere seconds.
I am in a clear funk and although not harmful to my life, I am relapsing in poor judgement as to who I let into my life and have a hold on me and in the long run will probably break my spirit. Sometimes I just wish they would, if they completely broke me, I think then I could cut them out completely. Instead a piece of me breaks here or there and I continue to let them corrode my soul and one day it will be broken. Sometimes we have to hit the bottom in order to get to the top.
My grandfather…he is hurting. I hurt for him. He had two great loves in his life. He is 93. He continues to move forward, but the sparkle is dull in his eyes now. I pray it comes back.
Deleted user ⋅ January 20, 2015
I pray that you are right your grandfather can move forward with a job for life...you are sooo right you have to hit bottom before you can go up....I am sorry both of you lost someone you loved..its painful always......Elizabeth
Always Laughing Deleted user ⋅ January 20, 2015
thank you
Deleted user ⋅ January 20, 2015
When we are vulnerable, we often let people in our lives that maybe shouldn't be. I hope when you are past the grief, that you are able to get your strength back and rise above.
Thinking of your grandpa.
Always Laughing Deleted user ⋅ January 20, 2015
thank you
Chic Chat ⋅ January 20, 2015
I've never had anyone extremely close to me pass away, so I can't say I can relate. I do know what it's like to be vunerable and let the wrong people in though. But that's a whole entry in and of itself.
I'm thinking of your Grandpa and you.
Always Laughing Chic Chat ⋅ January 20, 2015
thanks and I am sorry you can relate to letting the wrong people in because we all know we shouldn't do that
WomanOfSteele ⋅ January 21, 2015
So sorry your family is going through this hard time. [hugs]
Always Laughing WomanOfSteele ⋅ January 22, 2015
thanks
Reading_Blankie 📚 ⋅ January 22, 2015
When you've been with someone so long it's hard to imagine life without them. I'm sorry for your loss. In time, I feel, the hurt will fade, but she will never be forgotten. My grandpa on my momma's side died when momma was in her 20's. My grandmother always mourned my grandfather, until she could quite comprehend what was going on around her. It had faded, a bit when she had something else to focus on, like her grandchildren. She would babysit my brother and I and would tell me stories about my grandfather and their life together. I treasure those moments, because out of all the grandchildren, I knew that I was her favorite. Sounds... selfish, but I was the one who took the time to talk to her and be with her. She had a stroke and was never the same.
I'm sorry for your loss. In time, the hurt will heal, but the memory of her will never be forgotten.
With letting new people in your life there will also be a lesson, a memory and treasured moments. Sometimes we're afraid. In my life I have had a few "lessons" on decisions I made, to which I learned from and will NEVER do again. Then there are those that led me to the path I am on now.
much love.
Always Laughing Reading_Blankie 📚 ⋅ January 23, 2015
thanks, my problem is these aren't new people just people I let treat me less than I know I deserve, but when i am weak I let it happen.
Reading_Blankie 📚 Always Laughing ⋅ January 24, 2015
Well..... Aren't we a pair because I do the same thing...
Always Laughing Reading_Blankie 📚 ⋅ January 24, 2015
Why do we do this...I know why I do it for me any attention is better than no attention :-(