Now With A Smidge Too Much Hashtaggery in I Can't Believe It's Not Twitter™... Spray!

So in lieu of brand-spanking-new material [not that I condone brand-spanking], I’ve put together a handful of tweets, but this time I wanted to share some of the ones that involved hashtag games. I may have done that before, I’m not sure. But those themes sometimes bring out more of my creativity. So anyway, on with that.

[Note: since hashtags do weird things to the formatting, I will be leaving off the literal # symbol most of the time.]

I don’t know if anyone has addressed this minor angle, but I imagine the touch-screen industry is not thrilled about ebola at the moment.

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KFC is now selling hamburgers.

I just don’t know what to believe in any more.

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If depression can be hereditary, would that mean I have hand-me-down blue genes?

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In TV and movies, phones always know not to ring until everyone is done talking, unless interrupting someone will create a plot point.

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“People with our alarm system are 3 times less likely to get robbed.” Wow, imagine: Less likely, times THREE.

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Yesterday was #NationalChocolateDay.

Today is #NationalCatDay.

It’s a slippery slope, people…

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My nephews have been jaded against the “flexible pencil” trick by the existence of actually flexible pencils.

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Obi: “Only a Sith deals in absolutes.”
Anakin: “Says who?”
Obi: “I… read it somewhere.”
Anakin: “Are you sure?”
Obi: “Absolu– hey, wait.”

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[Hashtag Game: ScaryStoriesIn5Words]

“Die!” “Wait! I’m future y–“

“Be quiet!” Said the urn.

“You don’t appear on infrared…“

What’s making that other shadow?

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My knees are now voice-activated!

Voice Commands:
Stand up - “Ergh.”
Sit down - “Oof.”

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I think the Earl of Sandwich would have reconsidered his invention if he’d known it would eventually lead to the KFC Double-Down.

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My wife in the car last night, conversationally: “I need to go on a cow-breeding spree. I need the leather.”
Minecraft w/o context is weird.

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The Roy Orbison song “Pretty Woman” has a lot to answer for.

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When it comes to drink garnishes, lemons are sublime.

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The Force Awakens. Which is a good thing, since it was totally slacking off on binding the universe together.

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My excitement for Toy Story 4 is significantly tempered by the fact that I’ve never seen a good fourth installment of a series.

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Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t give out that info.”
Cold-Caller: “It’s publicly available information!”
Me: “Then I guess you’re in luck.”

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Walgreens advertises “24-HR Pharmacy” and “1-HR Photo.” One of those sounds extremely inconvenient.

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4 Things No One Tells You About Lists:

1. They’re arbitrary.
2. They smell like raspberries
3. My mom invented them.
4. They’re not mauve.

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“I instinctively know throughout all of time and space what verbal utterances have occurred in some reality.” - Said no one, ever.

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Proof that Google no longer works the way it used to: over 2.3 million alleged results for “waffle-scented dolphins.”

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Who has two thumbs and finds excuses for his lethargy?
looks down at arms
Well, I’m busy typing, but you get the idea.

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29 Things Only Male Irish Administrative Assistants Who Rent An Apartment In An East Suburban Neighborhood Of A College Town Will Understand

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A fun thing for kids: have them write witty sayings on slips of paper and then flush them down the toilet. Tell them it’s Twitter practice.

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“…the regular crowd shuffles in. There’s an old man sitting next to me, making love to his tonic and gin. I’ve already called the police.”

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Some claim that glossy magazine paper causes fewer papercuts, but I still feel torn on the issue.

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I am tired of the Lost/Alias/OUAT method of telling us people’s stories backwards. Either establish your characters or don’t, please.

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“I’m All Ears!” - a slogan you don’t want to read on a package of hot dogs.

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Nutella: Why are you ADVERTISING?! Didn’t you read the alarming article about your own shortage?

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I’m feeling incredibly old as it is, so please in 2015 if we could keep the Back To The Future II references to a minimum that’d be awesome.

[Note: This is clearly not happening.]

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“We need to stick together.” - advice that I really wish the frozen patties I bought would stop following.

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[Hashtag Game: MakeAMovieShorter]

A Recap Of Violence

The Seven Second Itch

The Brief Peck Goodnight

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Taco Bell is advertising “chicken rolled tacos.” Any idea what it means if something is “chicken rolled”?

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Pithy sayings are like snorkels - they let you see things in a different way, but they only go so far.

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So, is there a sanctuary for pardoned turkeys somewhere? Or am I believing a comfortable lie?

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Disclaimer: this product is not intended to solve the problem our 30-second ad just got done claiming it will solve.

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Does anyone still remember back in the mid to late 90’s when we’d roll our eyes at people who carried a phone with them wherever they went?

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I often forget to check the safety pop-up indicator on jar lids, so yes, I do lead a life of danger.

[Note: I’ve noticed I talk a lot about food products. Write about what you know, I guess.]

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Here, have a haiku:
Hump Day boredom has set in.
(Yeah, that’s all I’ve got.)

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Take any advice with a grain of salt. But make sure it’s sea salt, and never within half an hour of sleeping, unless you’ve exfoliated.

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“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results while arguing with an invisible gazelle named Steve.”

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Trivia: If you could take all of the french fries that have ever been eaten and lay them end to end, that would prove time travel is real.

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[Now-off-season Hashtag Game: XMasAMovie]

Twelve Angry Men Drumming

The Sound Of (Repetitive, Sing-Songy, Major Chord) Music

God Rest Ye Merry League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen

I Saw Mommy Giving Santa Claus The Long Kiss Goodnight

He Sees You When You’re Sleeping, He Knows What You Did Last Summer

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“Your forehead smells lovely.” “Why, thank you.” “Don’t thank me, it’s your smelly forehead.”
(You won’t find this stuff in romance novels.)

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It bugs me that anytime I don’t agree to a decision my computer’s made, I have to choose “Cancel.” As if I’m backing out of existing plans.

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By this spring, every favorite show of mine will have ended. It’s like pop culture decided they no longer want my business. o_O

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Does anyone ever bite into a chocolate and say, “Yay, orange cream filling”? I’m just curious.

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“Jingle All The Way 2, Starring Larry The Cable Guy” <– that is not a snarky satire/joke. That is a real product that exists in real life.

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The average American consumes 46 slices of pizza per year.

I am above average!

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I believe in moderation, which means when I eat a bag of chips, I don’t always empty the crumbs at the bottom into my mouth.

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We bring out the best in each other, like two gift cards scraping off each other’s silver coating to reveal the 16-digit code.

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Okay, I think this is enough for now. I didn’t actually get to most of the hashtag games I’d had in mind when I considered adding them. Some other time, perhaps. Unless I actually remember to actually write actual entries again, actually. Stranger things have happened. (Like gas being half the price of a year ago. Didn’t see that coming. I can fill my tank on a twenty again! Anyway…)

Happy Hump Day, where applicable.

OH wait, one more tweet, from the hashtag game ConfusingPickupLines:

Was your father a thief? Because this swab of your spit is a 99.8% DNA match on an FBI most wanted list.

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Okbye.

Last updated January 14, 2015