So my daughter and her friend were seriously stressing me out last night. I was so fucking glad when her friend went home last night. I kept telling them I was getting overstimulated. Like I hate when they’re slamming doors, keeping doors shut and my daughters tv sits on the floor and I worry about it getting knocked down.
My daughter was pissing me off right away this morning like she does and I blew up. I told her I won’t accept her telling me “no” anymore. I am so sick of anytime I ask anything of her she can’t just do it. I honestly don’t even ask much at all so when I do, I expect her to just fucking do it! I told her from now on when she sees a bag of trash ready to go out, to just take it out. I shouldn’t have to ask. I’m also sick of her not wanting to take a shower. Like we aren’t gross people and we shower every single day!
I know the boredom for this weekend has set in. We did go and talk to the lady about finding a big sister this morning. They don’t have anyone to match her with but hopefully they will soon. Then we got a couple of groceries because we needed eggs and bacon for the mornings. I ordered her new glasses but need the other place to send over the prescription so we’ll see how quickly that gets done. I may run somewhere later and try to find a pair for myself. I’ve been to a couple of places and just couldn’t find any that I liked. My face shape has also changed since my weight loss so I feel like I need to be more aware of how they look.
I feel kind of lonely. I wish it was easier to meet people. I do miss having someone and it would be great to find a cool person to connect with. I checked in on Facebook dating and it’s still the same shit show. Ugh, I’m seriously just wanting a new friend and it’s like finding a needle in a fucking haystack.
My daughter brought up that man in the car earlier. I told her that I know she misses him but it’s okay to know when people shouldn’t be in your life either. We don’t really talk about either one of these men and I honestly never really know what to say. I know that we both would like to have another person around, I just don’t know how to make that happen.
I truly wish it was easier to find people to hang around with. I just don’t think I’ll ever find what I’m looking for. I know that I want someone similar to what I had before but someone who can drink in moderation, put my feelings first sometimes and someone who has a motorcycle but most men want you to have your own and that probably isn’t going to happen. Those things are expensive. I’m lucky to even have a damn car.
Then I think about what I’ve gone through with people and then I realize I’m better off just doing my own thing. I just feel bad that I don’t try because my daughter loves everyone and she needs more than just me.
So she called from CS. They’re just nothing they can do. They can’t take any action because they don’t have an address for him. I told her there is no way anyone could be homeless for this long. She said every time they check an address it keeps coming back as homeless. Well, of course it does! He is smart enough to hide! He doesn’t want any responsibility! It’s better for me to take on every expense!
I told her that her 9th birthday is in 4 fucking days! I shouldn’t have to pay for everything by myself! She says she understands my logic, there’s just nothing she can do. Well, that’s awesome! I seriously want to understand how the fuck all of this is okay. I don’t have any money and live in constant fear of not being able to afford everything by myself. There’s never a time that I’m not worried.
It really gets old when every single person around you just makes your life hard. I don’t remember the last time I had anyone in my life that didn’t make me want to rip my fucking hair out and yet, they’re the victim!
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