So I worked daytime yesterday. I was absolutely exhausted. I’m so glad to just be sitting here getting a break from everything before my daughter has her sleepover tonight. She was asked to stay at their house but she doesn’t want to because her friend has little sisters and she gets overstimulated. I’m not thrilled about the sleepover but I’m home tonight.
I’m annoyed at how much money I’ve spent to keep her busy. I wasted at least $100 over the weekend and realized that I need to start cutting back. I don’t have a lot of money and I don’t make a lot so I can’t keep affording her game tokens and new toys every week. I also don’t like her constant snacking and I’m going to stop buying the stuff all the time.
They’re trying to find someone to open this morning. Well, it ain’t gonna be me! I did that shit yesterday and made $7. I hate working daytime. It’s not profitable whatsoever and I’m exhausted. I have to do it on Sunday and I hope it’s busy since it’s the weekend.
I’m just severely pissed at my Mom. I just don’t think she’s ever cared about my daughter the way I hoped for. She just wants too much her own way and I’m not going to have my kid in an unsafe situation again. My little brother was convicted on animal cruelty charges and still gets to live with animals and there’s been no accountability for him at all but she wants my daughter around him?!
It sucks that she gets bored at home but I’ve also spent a lot of money to keep her entertained so if boredom is the biggest complaint, I’ll take it. I know she’s safer by herself than she was at my Mom’s or my friends house. It does suck that things ended up like they did but I’d rather not have that added stress everyday that I’m at work worrying about her and her safety. I was so sick of being in situation that I had to accept and had to pray that nothing bad happened. I can’t live that anymore and I’m not going to.
I’m angry that I’ve been left in this situation by her real Dad. It’s like how much could he care about his child when he’s never been there? I’m extremely disgusted at how I’ve done it all for almost 9 years and he’s just ran from any and all responsibility and I know that it’s never going to change. I have no doubt he’ll die before I ever see another dollar from him. I just can’t believe how people and create a child and do this shit to the full time parent with no regard.
I have a friend that I work with that is always dating and meeting new men. She seems to find ones that overall have their lives figured out and show effort for a little bit and then just quit talking to her. I realize that it’s not all about looks because she is beautiful inside and out. It just again confirms my theory that people care until they don’t. It’s never a good idea to be a woman and chase a man because your value goes down big time. Don’t ever chase anyone and once they decide they don’t want to talk to you, there’s no point in sending lengthy text messages because it’s not going to make a difference.
If someone doesn’t see your worth, there’s nothing you can say that will change that. I think when you sleep with a man right away, they don’t need to keep your around. They got what they wanted.
For me, I will never put forth a lot of effort again. I spent much of my life chasing the wrong people and that’s not me anymore. I make effort with the ones that make effort with me and I truly believe the right people will come along when they’re supposed to. I need to just be by myself for awhile and figure me out. I’ve made more than enough mistakes with people and I want time to reflect so that different decisions will be made later on.
Again, people care until they don’t. People show up until they don’t. People love you until they don’t. You readjust and keep going. Nothing is forever and that’s okay. I personally like that the only person in the fore front of my brain is my daughter. I couldn’t imagine chasing anyone because at the end of the day, it just makes you more lonely. Then that turns into anger because you wasted your fucking time.
I think more people need to learn how to be content with being alone. It’s like for me I look around at everyone in relationships and they are fucking miserable. I was one of them. Just because you are taken doesn’t mean that you are being chosen. People get bored and don’t care after so long. I was talking to my manager about this yesterday and telling him that once things start going bad, there’s a better chance of it staying bad and even getting worse before it gets better. The best thing you can do is leave.
My biggest thing that I want to work on is learning how to be a bitch, be very vocal and have boundaries. I also want to be more closed off where I am more careful on what I’m telling people. I think it’s good to tell people the overview on your experiences but not add every emotion you felt in it either. I also want to be more quick to walk away from people that are the victim in every situation regardless of their behavior.
Stress has definitely decreased now that I don’t deal with certain individuals. It’s sad that you know with a lot of them, that things are only going to go so well for so long and you have a sense of relief when it’s finally over. I like when things ends because then I don’t have to worry about it anymore. It’s like I would text my friend everyday and if she didn’t answer right away or would take hours, then it would be the thought that she’s mad at me and she’s not going to watch my kid.
There was plenty of times when my Mom or friend would watch her that my anxiety was just through the fucking roof. I was so sick of worry about having a sitter and having to worry about my child all night that I was working that I knew if it went on any longer than it did, I was seriously going to quit my job. I knew that I couldn’t keep living in that constant state of stress. I didn’t feel good about her being at either place and I spent most of my time at work worried sick about her. I was so sure that I was going to get the phone call that she was hurt.
You can give the same people so many chances and you think after every falling out that if you stay away from them long enough, it’ll be different the next time but that’s not reality. People DO NOT change and no matter what they do or no matter how badly they mishandled you, they aren’t going to be anything but the victim. I always have this unbelievable sense of relief when I finally don’t have contact with them. Garbage people are garbage people and no matter the bond or history, you have to accept them for what they are.
I will never again go along with anything that disrupts my peace and keeps me up at night. People that want everything their way are good examples of what to stay away from and not be like. I would NEVER expect anyone to go along with the shit I have. I couldn’t imagine treating anyone the way they’ve treated me or my child. This thing where everyone wants everything their way is no longer going to be my reality.
It’s like this deal where people abuse you and you aren’t to see it that way because they’ve ‘helped’ you. NO. I don’t give a fuck if you’ve helped me or not, I’m not going to un see the abuse I endured. They want you to see gray instead of black and white. There’s no amount of money or ‘help’ that’s going to make me see gray. Honestly, I think most everyone is abusive and a lot of times it’s disguised as help. They are thrilled when you need help because then the shit can just go on longer. If you didn’t need them, you’d be like fuck this and out the door a lot fucking sooner.
I don’t want help from anyone ever again. It’s cost me my peace too often. I don’t need anything from anyone and I’m going to keep it that way. I have no problem not really having anything to do with anyone. I see everything way better when I’m not putting up with anyone’s bullshit.
It absolutely makes me livid that these people knew what we went through and they still chose to put us through even more and called it ‘love’ and I don’t appreciate it. Their idea of caring or being supportive was just abuse using a different title. If you don’t want to help, then don’t. If you can’t be what someone needs than don’t try! I don’t appreciate when people jump in to ‘help’ and then say you used them. No, I didn’t. I didn’t ask you for a fucking thing and CHOSE to OFFER and hand it over! That’s not being used. That’s making sure you get to be the victim.
These people are nothing without their games. If they don’t have anyone to play the game, they are nothing. They are irrelevant and they know it. People don’t care about you like they make it seem. They care about creating situations so they can be the victim.
I’m doing laundry and then I may run and see about a new pair of glasses because my daughter wants a pair at a different place and I don’t want to make 2 stops once I pick them up.
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