So we did lunch and stopped at the store. My daughter said she was about to throw up and then on the way home, I almost shit my pants. I didn’t poop yesterday and then it hit me out of nowhere. I stopped at a gas station and was going to run in but then I thought about what if they’re cleaning the bathroom and I can’t go? I made it home but my pants are wet so I have to wear something else.
Then she wants me to put Disney on the TV. For whatever reason, it kept asking me to log in on my phone and kept sending me codes and every time I put the code in it was wrong so I unplugged everything and waited. I finally got logged in on the TV but I pray to God I never have to do it again. It’s awesome that you pay for this shit and it’s a bitch to actually use it!
I have talked to my daughter again about cleaning up after herself and not eating so much. I think she didn’t feel good earlier because she ate way too much last night. She gets this overeating thing from my Mom because when she was over there, all they did was sit and plow down way more food than any person needs. I remember my daughter would come home and say she’s burping up nasty stuff and I told her because you are eating too much! We aren’t going to sit and eat every minute of the fucking day!
My Mom taught her a lot of things that have really pissed me off and I’ve spent a lot of time correcting. Such as we aren’t going to eat every minute of the day and we don’t look up people online and talk about how ugly they are! My Mom would sit there and show her ugly people and seriously thought that was a great idea! No actually, you are teaching my daughter to be a judgy bitch like YOU! My Mom also LOVED to sit and badmouth everyone in front of her when I would tell her how her real Dad would do that shit and I wasn’t okay with it.
We were talking about my friend earlier too. I told her how she’s going to come across a lot of toxic people in her life. She was telling me how no one says anything good about me and I just said that I don’t mind if people don’t like me but they don’t need to be discussing it in front of you. I honestly believe that is the most disrespectful thing anyone has ever fucking done and it’s going to take me some time to not be angry about it. I don’t give a flying fuck what opinion anyone has of me but my kid doesn’t need to fucking hear it!
Again, if I’m so awful please stay the fuck away from me! You aren’t doing anything good for myself or my kid when you are ‘trying to help’ but my kid has to hear you say ugly things about her Mother. I have heard everyone my whole life talk shit about me. I’m honestly sick of it but it hits a lot harder when they’re doing it with your child present. I just wish if people felt I was as terrible as they believe that they would just leave me alone.
I understand that people talk bad about others because of insecurity and issues within their self but it’s getting really fucking old. If you decide at any point you don’t like me anymore or feel some type of way, I’d rather you not be watching my child because then I have to sit there and wonder how she’s going to be treated and what she’s hearing.
It’s honestly not a fun feeling when you don’t like anyone in your circle and don’t feel good about anybody. I just want to feel safe and have safe people for my kid. My daughter would tell me how my friend’s son would be mean to her and then my friend would offer to buy her a gift card but then not do it. I feel like not only is that manipulation but several mind games being played.
All I know is I will never tolerate any of this shit again, I don’t give a fuck what happens. Just like I will never again buy food for my Mom’s house. Even if it came down to me quitting my job I would because I can’t handle this shit. These people have all done more than enough and there’s no fucking way on Earth I will ever go along with it again.
My Mother is a very insecure person. I remember when she came to my daughter’s last day of school and was asking me how I’ve lost so much weight. Well, I don’t eat. Her problem is she LOVES to overeat. She will sit there and consume 10,000 calories, spike her blood sugar and then cry around that she doesn’t feel good. I’ve explained all of this a million times and nothing changes. It’s like when she’d come to my place, raid my fridge and eat the most unhealthy things and then wonder why didn’t feel good. Like, how the fuck can anyone be this fucking stupid?
I think it’s one thing to be hard headed but once you cross over into stupidity, you’re a lost cause and I won’t waste any more breathe trying to make you understand shit. I’ve decided that if my daughter eats way too much tonight, I will no longer be buying any snacks or anything extra. I honestly can’t watch her gorge down food anymore nor will I allow it. Why the fuck can’t we eat in moderation? She used to really love a certain popsicle from Sam’s Club that had like 40 in a box and would clear them all by the end of the day. I finally blew up one day and told her if she kept doing it, I won’t buy them anymore. She has since learned that one or two a day is all she gets.
It’s been a lot easier to afford healthy food now that I’m not feeding an extra person or putting food in someone else’s household. It’s seriously so nice to buy corn on the cob, onions, mushrooms. I enjoy buying to cheap steak that’s boneless. I buy a lot of cottage cheese and when I buy crackers, I get the multigrain. I’m in control of my shopping and essentially my diet because I only feed my daughter and myself now. I wonder how much weight I would have lost in the past 2 years had I just been single.
I think sometimes people are just setbacks. I think once you realize that someone is just dragging you down and keeping you from being the best version of yourself, that alone should be enough to walk away.
Everyday I think about how blessed I feel that I get to run my own show. I get to make all my own decisions. I’m in control of my money, my free time, my work schedule, the way I raise my daughter, and my DIET! I love being able to eat the right things and know I’m in a much better place just being on my own. I have my own identity and no one will ever take that from me again.
My daughter said something this morning how nice it is to eat eggs that aren’t cooked in bacon grease. We ate that A LOT and everything was either fried, bathed in butter or from the BBQ. I realize why the fuck I was so big. I remember so many times getting sick thinking about the food I ate. I didn’t want to eat like that. No wonder I’ve been on medication for high cholesterol. I can’t even remember a time where we ate anything healthy and even if it was veggies, it was slathered in grease, butter or it was friend. So, it’s not exactly healthy anymore.
Sometimes I’ll read past journal entries and I just get so mad at myself for allowing all the shit I did. People treated me like absolute dog shit and yet, I still wanted them in my life. I chased people that didn’t choose me. Well, now I choose myself. Either people will choose to be in my life or I rock alone.
I know that there’s a lot of shit I will never tolerate again. I’ve wasted years chasing love because I didn’t love myself. I didn’t know what love was or what healthy relationships looked like. At least now I have a much better idea of what kind of relationships I want with other people.
Please let work be busy tonight. I seriously don’t even have $100 in my bank account. I spend a lot on my kid to keep her busy at home though. At least now I’m just buying stuff for her instead of stocking up someone’s fridge and cupboards or burning up plenty of gas driving out to BFE to drop her off or pick her up.
It’s honestly so peaceful just doing your own thing. I like not putting up with anyone’s bullshit anymore. I have the freedom to stand up to people, not feel like I have to hang out/talk to people and I no longer have to worry about my daughter or myself being manipulated or controlled.
My daughter and I have talked about not taking stuff from people even if it’s offered and how it’s never a good idea to need anyone for anything. People tend to abuse the situation at full capacity and you don’t always notice right away. All of it happens gradually. I think people work very hard to see how long you are going to put up with it until you finally blew up.
I remember the other day when she was sitting on her couch talking shit asking me why I can’t work during the day and how I don’t do anything during the day anyway and I remember when I was driving to work thinking how that was going to be the LAST FUCKING TIME she spoke to me that way. I think she said that to me because she didn’t want to watch my daughter anymore and because I had asked so many times if her and husband were okay with it and she constantly confirmed they were, it was better to be mean and dehumanizing than be honest and just say it was too much.
Honesty truly is the best policy. I would have preferred if both her and my Mom would have just told me they’d watch her until I found someone else or not watch her very much then be mean. I just wonder how much better things could have ended had they just been honest as soon as they felt watching her was impeding on their time.
I’m glad that it’s over with her and my Mom. I would have liked things end where we still have some contact and everything but I ain’t gonna take all the blame for things going bad. I get that both of them feel that they helped and how I wronged them but I also feel I was wronged too.
My best friend does understand but thinks I should still try and maintain some kind of relationship with my Mom for the sake of my kid. I just don’t think my Mom is the type of person I want my kid hanging around with and I also am not going to allow her to be around my little brother. My Mom doesn’t really like to leave her house and that’s fine but I’m not bending anymore. I’ve always done what everyone else wants and bent myself around what other people think they need. Well not now, I won’t do it.
I’m honestly pissed at just how much control they both had and made sure I knew it too. I don’t appreciate someone saying my daughter can spend the night so I can go out but then text right when I get off work asking if I’m on my way. I didn’t even get upset because I’ve dealt with this same shit for so long that it doesn’t even phase me anymore but I will never again be under anyone’s control. When she was to spend the night, it wasn’t even my idea, it was HERS! I don’t care to go out and I’m honestly tired when I’m done working that I’m good to just come home and do my own thing.
I just don’t get how it can be YOUR IDEA to have someone’s kid spend the night at your house and TELL YOUR FRIEND to go out and then decide right when they’re about to get off work that you want them to get their kid. What kind of sick minded games do you really feel you gotta play? I remember getting that text thinking well yeah I mean it’s a good thing I didn’t make plans or have my heart set on going out.
Even my best friend said that would have pissed her off too. I like when she actually agrees with me because she’s never done too much of that. It’s still just so crazy that I don’t have to deal with any of this shit ever again.
I wonder just how many other single Mom’s have been through this shit or something similar. I’ve dealt with this same shit no matter who’s watched her unless she’s been at school or daycare. Everyone has completely enjoyed using my child as weapon and I can’t even find the right words to express how grateful I am that I am free of it. I seriously think a lot of the time, your family and friends are happy that you are in a very vulnerable position and they take full advantage.
I’m extremely pissed that my BD has left me to be in the position to deal with all of this. I just don’t understand how any of this is okay. It’s just wild how people can have kids and do absolutely nothing to help raise them and still feel they are the victim. That motherfucker has absolutely NO FUCKING CLUE what I’ve put up with. I’ve never had anyone outside of daycare watch my kid that I could feel good about. Everyone was fucked up in their own way and I didn’t have a choice because I had plenty of bills, the expense of a child and more often then not I didn’t see a dime from him.
I get that he’s always wanted to hurt me and make me suffer but OUR child suffered just as much. He couldn’t see past hating me to have any regard for his child all these years but then wanted 50/50. He’s not done living his best life and he’d never be the Dad she needs. You can’t run from your child and think almost 8 years later you’re going to be handed 50/50. I remember telling my friend that whether I kept him away or he stayed away, he’s still been absent 95% of her life and it’s not going to be a thing to send my child off with a stranger knowing he can’t feed her or have to question if he has a safe place for her to sleep.
Why wouldn’t you at least attempt to get yourself together before trying to obtain your child that you’ve never cared about? He had no real defense for anything in that court room. He just thought because he’s the Dad he would get whatever he wanted handed to him on a silver platter and didn’t think the judge was going to ask questions about his stability. He’s never had to be a Dad or worry about childcare and yet, has gone more than half her life not working. There’s absolutely no excuse.
It’s like when he’s threatened me with court or kidnapping. Where the fuck were you when I asked you to help when she was teething? Where were you when my car was broke down? Where were you when I needed diapers? Where were you when she started crawling, walking? He’s missed every first day of school, potty training and doesn’t even know what her favorite food is. He didn’t choose his child, he chose himself. It’s disgusting to be told over and over and over again how I’ve kept him away but fails to remember all those times I BEGGED and PLEADED for his involvement.
I really won’t get any alone time tomorrow. I’m going to shower, get her to her program and then I’ll have a couple of hours before I have to leave for work. I’m scheduled til 4 but will leave early to get her.
But yeah, looking back I wish that I would have had it my way where all the contact stopped and waited for him to take me to court. He wouldn’t have gotten shit then and life would have been more peaceful. We should have gone to court right away, not 8 years later. It just makes me mad how much my friend and my older brother disregarded my wishes and kept talking to him because they truly believed it was going to change. If contact would have stopped right after she was born, he would have had to take me to court and that would have honestly been the absolute best thing.
I still wonder if everyone truly thought he was going to step up or they just liked watching the fireworks. I don’t believe anyone cared how I felt and the sadness I carried around. A lot of is because all he did was say the most hurtful things he could about me to everyone. I will always question if people genuinely cared about me through all of this.
I carried so much anger and hate for years. I think a lot of it is because the drama wouldn’t stop. I never had a moment’s fucking peace. I should have been just straight up MEAN and made sure everyone understood that I don’t want to hear about it anymore. I was seriously just trying to move forward and not sit there and read the hundreds of screenshots of how fat, ugly, and stupid I was.
My brother loved to tell me shit that BD said and then turn around and say, “I don’t want to hear about it” and it’s like okay well then don’t fucking tell me about it in the first place!! He’d always say how I needed to let it go and it’s like right but y’all ain’t LETTING ME LET IT GO! You keep someone upset but they aren’t allowed to say anything? Okay well in my book that makes you just as abusive! If you stopped talking to him and stay out of it like I told you to do a thousand times, the shit would fucking end but you won’t!
People absolutely LOVE drama. The feed off it. It’s purely entertainment. It’s solely for their amusement and they don’t care if this shit is getting to you to the point where you need mental help or medication! If you no longer care, then where does that leave them? The game ends when you stop playing.
My peace is the most important thing now and I won’t allow ANYONE to disrupt it. I like that I wake up happy in the morning, I’m fully in control of who’s in my life and who’s not and no one is going to take that from me. I will no longer engage in anything that makes me feel like shit. It’s like people don’t want you to get over it. They want you to stay upset and spiral because they feed off that. They LIKE you upset. They LOVE the negative and they enjoy helping create it. If there isn’t drama, leave it to someone in your circle to make it happen for you.
Even at work, people will come to me to bitch about someone else and I never really say anything. I just nod and act like I’m listening but as soon as they start in, my mind shuts off. I seriously don’t care. I know how I feel about certain people too but I ain’t gonna say anything behind anyone’s back. It’s just not worth it.
I think most people have a lot of the same problems I do. I get why more and more people choose to be single and stick to themselves. I’ve learned that even if I truly love people and want to be around them, it’s going to come with some kind of price. I also know that nothing is forever and you can feel strongly about someone for awhile but over time, you just get bored with them too. I think my friend enjoyed hearing my drama and after so long, she got bored of it. I think everyone cares to a point and they’re only going to care for so long.
Even now, I am good at goodbyes and once things start going bad with someone, I’m just going to walk away. There’s no point in even trying to communicate because they are always right and they aren’t even going to attempt to understand where you are coming from so why waste your fucking breath? Nope, I’m just going to walk away.
The older I get, the more I realize how communication is irrelevant. People only see things the way they want to. Things only work as long as you’re willing to shrink yourself and put up with more than you should. I don’t know if anyone is truly happy with whoever is around them and you can feel like you are at the time and then realize later just how fucking wrong you really were.
I think if I have any more drama on my cell phone, I’m going to change my number. I am not going to deal with anything that stresses me out on my phone that I pay for. I understand that people are miserable but I’m not and I won’t allow them to inflict that on me whatsoever.
Staying unbothered is the way to go. I have a friend that is so unbothered that it should be studied. That bitch just doesn’t give a fuck. He doesn’t get reactive over anything. I think people like that have a really good understanding about life and human nature. There’s no reason to get out of pocket. People can only get to you if you give them the power. Don’t let anyone have that power.
I can honestly say I hate my Mom. I honestly think she’s one of the worst human being to walk this fucking Earth. She acts like she is such a nice, caring person but she’s definitely not. She’s as evil as they come. I am so fucking glad I don’t need her to watch my kid anymore. I was so sick of my concerns being ignored and not having any say in what was going on. Her maturity is definitely not where it should be. I think she’s very manipulative and a fucking liar.
She told me one time after leaving the creep that she didn’t get rid of him when we were growing up because, “she didn’t want to be alone” and I think about that sometimes. Because her comfort was the most important thing, we had to grow up the way we did. My parents never cared about us kids and it still pisses me off. I think she deserved what she got because of her own feelings. Not only did she choose that for herself, she chose it for her children. I just don’t understand how as a Mom you could allow what she did.
My Dad was always really mean to my older brother because he was the ‘step Son’ and that still pisses me off. He treated me like shit too and that’s why I will never speak to him again. I don’t have anything good to say about my parents other than I’m glad I don’t have to have a relationship with them. My daughter doesn’t have to have a relationship with them. I don’t have to have a relationship with anyone anymore. I can CHOOSE who I share my time and space with.
I’m leaving in about 10 minutes. I don’t want to go but hopefully the night will go fast. I’m feeling good though. I have realized the last couple of nights that I should probably steer clear of Alani’s. Those things have way too much caffeine and I think they’re severely fucking with my blood pressure. I was at work a couple of nights ago and had nausea hit me like a fucking train. I don’t drink them for caffeine but for the taste but I think I’m going to take a break on them for awhile.
There’s a lady on Tik Tok that makes content about being single and living alone. I think she got severely hurt and now, she’s embracing her life as a single woman and she just seems so strong and confident. I like strong women and it definitely makes me feel good about being like them. Sometimes you are so much better off alone.
I like how much control I have now. I don’t answer to anyone and I’m living like the way I want to. I can have my house how I want. I can just worry about my daughter and myself. I’m not waking up crying in the middle of the night or feeling like I’m going to wrap my car around a pole. I like just being able to take a deep breath and feeling good about my life. My daughter and I are safe and our home is calm.
Time for work.
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