It was kinda a slow morning and then we had to rush. My daughter didn’t really wanna get up but they’re going to do fun stuff so she was happy to go. I had to drop off a shirt and a pair of jeans because they didn’t fit right and I ordered a new pair of jeans.
I went to the dr. They are going to deal with my ingrown toenails on the 13th. I just have one on the inside bothering but it’s not infected yet. She said to come in if it starts bothering more and they want to catch it before there’s an infection. I’m hoping she called in a couple of my medications so I can get them in the next day or two.
My Mother text me this morning telling me that I’m selfish for her not seeing my daughter. I told her it was selfish that she asked me to quit my job and she told me to get over it. Absolutely maddening. Then she brings up why my brother doesn’t talk to me. I told her I don’t care what any of them think of me and I was severing ties. My best friend doesn’t agree with this but I can’t handle how much she’s done to me and every time I’m told to ‘get over it’ uh no that’s not going to work.
My thoughts are on getting my head right, losing the rest of the weight I want to lose, and getting my bag up so we can maybe plan to move at some point. I don’t know if we’re going to stay or leave but I want to be a in a good place mentally, physically and financially to do whatever it is I want to do. I came back here mainly because I needed a babysitter so I could work but since my daughter watches herself, it definitely makes me realize that I am good to go anywhere.
I know that right now my daughter and I don’t really have anybody we’re connected with and I think it’s because we aren’t meant to. It would be a lot easier to leave if we don’t have any ties. The hard part is my daughter is comfortable with where she goes everyday and her school and I’m comfortable with my job and the people I work with. I go between feeling like I want to connect with other people and have regular people to hang around with to being totally okay with it just being my daughter and myself.
Up until I left and moved across the country, I overall had my life planned out but now that I’ve come back and life is different and my perspective has changed, I don’t know if I plan to stay anywhere long term. I do like the familiarity of home and I know what to expect everyday but I also know that I want to see other roads, places, and meet different types of people too. I see everyday on Facebook that people have moved here and have been here for quite a while and are still struggling to connect with others because for whatever reason, it’s not easy to meet people here and to date. I get it, I’ve lived here much of my life and I still struggle with all this.
It’s absolutely beautiful here. I haven’t been to my typical spots since I’ve been back because I’ve just been so busy.
Currently I’m doing laundry. I can’t believe how fast my day went and I gotta get the kid pretty soon. I’m annoyed that I didn’t lose the weight that I wanted to over the weekend. I’m drinking a lot of water and I know that makes you seem heavier on the scale but I don ‘t eat a lot.
It’s just so stressful dealing with people who don’t see an issue with their actions. I don’t want to deal with anyone who brings chaos into my life and I’d rather just by by myself. It’s just crazy going from one shitty person to the next. I don’t want to have to choose between being alone or around a bunch of toxic fuck ass people. It seems like that’s how it’s always been though. It’s either the choice of putting up with shit as is or being alone. People don’t change. I think they find whoever they can that will put up with them and then expect that with every person they encounter.
Even like my 2 main friends that I talk to long distance, I don’t even know how I feel about them. I honestly think they are decent people but I don’t know if I truly like anyone other than my kid. I think we outgrow people and situations. Time is always changing. I’ve just been through so much over the past couple of years that it makes it hard to really know how I feel about anything.
My daughter is very social and loves everyone. With her birthday coming up, I’m going to have to figure out how to arrange for people to at least come and have cake and ice cream. I know we’re going to Texas Roadhouse at some point. She asked if her friend could come and I don’t really want to feed someone’s kid. My daughter and I don’t do as much together as I’d like to so I just want it to be just me and her.
Our lives were so chaotic for so long and I think sometimes it’s hard that things are calm now. I know that my nervous system is still getting used to the new normal. I know that sometimes when it’s just her and I at home we do get bored. I know we both miss having that extra person around but we need to find someone else that isn’t a drunk and doesn’t have to talk/scream all the time.
My daughter never had a Dad and then had one for a couple of years. He didn’t always treat her the best but was definitely nicer to her than me. I know that none of this is easy and probably super confusing. I think sometimes when she snaps at me, it’s her still trying to understand stuff.
I get the whole thing of I need to let other people decide what relationship they want with my kid. If they are good with only seeing her once or twice a year, why stop them? She’s almost 9 now and she is so used to the in and out that it doesn’t affect her anymore. I know that I definitely want more for her but completely cutting people out may not be the answer either. If they want to miss out, then that’s on them. The issue is people are consistent until they’re not. I’m tired of people showing one face and then showing another.
My Mom is one of the worst people I’ve ever seen. She truly doesn’t give a fuck about anything and I can’t stand the way she acts. I struggle to deal with people who have the “get over it” attitude. Well, I have. But, I’m now going to deal with you accordingly. I’m not a priority and neither is my child so I don’t feel it’s necessary to make you one either.
I’m pretty upset at how I’ve been handled by her and my friend. They both know the situation my daughter and I were in and what was going on when we came back and still chose to do what they did. I struggle to be super forgiving and understanding when the same shit happens a thousand times.
All I can say is it’s super fucking nice to not need shit from these people. I have the weight of the world lifted off my chest now. I remember telling my friend how great it’s going to be when I no longer have to have my entire life revolve around needing a sitter. I remember wondering how long I’m going to deal with it until I finally shut down and just gave up. I literally couldn’t deal with all the bullshit for myself or my kid anymore.
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