From no protection to no connection
From swallowing to unfollowing
From hosting to ghosting
I had stage 4 FOMO this weekend. It’s pride in my city. I would have to go alone, hang out alone, when I could just be alone at home without wasting any time or money. Not that I stand with the woke Taliban anyway. My friends suck; they don’t want to do anything fun. All my friends are straight. They’re married with children. I’ve been outgrown. I want gay male friends.
I was feeling sorry for myself, so I did some retail therapy. Then I soaked up some sun in a field. That never fails to cheer me up. Lowkey wished I were just at a nude beach. I don’t want tan lines.
I’m not desensitized to this Grindr culture, but the heartaches aren’t stopping me from trying to make connections. It’s naive, but I am trying to make friends on there. I have a few small wins. Christian, Jared, & Matt. Alex and Rostlav, too, if I can just adjust my expectations.
I deleted my IG. I hate who I become. That schmuck glued to his phone waiting for a DM. An invite to something, anything. I’ll cave and reinstall it. I’m weak.
It’s like our phones are glued to our hands. I respond to everything right away because I am mature. It’s just a respect thing to me. I get why people turn off their notifications, however. I’m frustrated, but I’m understanding.
I was chatting with two guys last night on Grindr. Actual conversations. I’m smitten with both of them. I am supposed to meet up with Curran tomorrow, but he is barely responding to me, so I’m over it. He’s been partying hard all weekend for pride. He’s been posting pics of it, and he is hanging out with an old acquaintance I didn’t like. I got mixed feelings about it. Though I found that old acquaintance obnoxious, I found him very attractive. Mason, a closeted young jock, is aiming to come over this evening, but I dunno. I think I’m looking for a fling. Adam, one of the guys I was chatting with last night, would be a hot, steamy, and wild fling. The other guy I was talking to, I lowkey want to date. He has a Libra moon. Libra is my Kryptonite.
Anyway, I’m off today. I have a somatic healing session, and then I’m gonna lie in the sun some more. If Adam isn’t too hungover, he said we can hang out. I know better than to count on it. I spent the last two Mondays stuck in anticipation, only to be left hanging. Also left angry because my roommate refused to coordinate with me and give me privacy. She comes home around 8:30 most days of the week, just not on Mondays when I want to host someone. She asked to find a new place together. It’s really hard to afford a place on your own, but I would rather live without another bachelor. She keeps cock blocking me.
Blah! This dickstraction does need to end, but I have been slowly pulling my life together. I swear!
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